Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Candy: Candy: I’ve encountered a lot of goofy names for schmeckies, but this is the first time I’ve heard it being called a Venus. Unless the title’s referring to the razor? I mean, this happy couple are kind of preternaturally shiny.

And speaking of preternatural: Holy Brylcreem bouffant, Batman! What did the stylist do, like, make the male model dive headfirst into a vat before posing for the shot?

Sarah: If the quality of a romance can be determined by the percentage of the cover that is turquoise and fuchsia, this book must be an absolute keeper of all keepers.

Also, why are there pink and purple bubbles emerging from her backside? She farts in colors, like the night?

Candy: Not only do they dare to kiss a cowboy, they dare to wear buckskin fringe. A LOT of buckskin fringe. The gayest (and I use that word with a lot of affection, because I loves me some gay) buckskin fringe that ever fringed. My only question is: where’s the cowboy? Is he hiding? Is he hiding (wait for it…) IN THE FRINGES?

Sarah: What do you think his tribal name is? “Rides with Jingle Knees?” “Armbands Do Not Make Him Gay?” “Stole the Vitalis?”

And more importantly, if this book was published in 1994, and that’s the “cowboy” there on the left, was Harlequin publishing M/M cross-dressing romance over 15 years ago and not telling anyone!?

Candy: Not so much vixen as corpse shot through a lens generously smeared with Vaseline to hide the fact that she’s, y’know, taxidermied. But “My Lady Rigor Mortis” just wouldn’t sell as many copies.

Sarah: On the turquoise-and-fuchsia scale, this book would give “Venus Rising” a run for its money, especially in the eyeshadow category. But what’s the quality indicated by a cover featuring Almost-Getting-to-Second-Base with a side order of Possible-Buttsecks?

Check out the outer glow under her bum! Glow fart?! Illuminate the dark in a WHOLE NEW WAY?

But wait, there’s more! On the cover itself, there’s a sheen to the background but not the drag-and-drop couple of Photoshop magic. So his legs, and her leg that’s wrapped around his hip just… disappears entirely. Guess it didn’t make the transition from one page to the next. But they have NO LEGS on this cover. They are legless and floating in mid-air, people. NO LEGS. I just checked twice and nope, not an ARC. You might think based on that graphic that there are legs in the shadows but I am telling you, there are no legs. None. They are magic floating people. Have a look:

This cover is so bad, it wins the Levon Award. What, you’ve never heard of it? That’s because I just made it up.

Levon is a song by Elton John that has really interesting music and the most fucked up lyrics you ever heard. John composes the music, and his lyricist Bernie Taupin writes the words, so I always imagined the creative process of Levon with Elton being all, “Oh, yeah, this is great. Nice piano, building harmony, great song! Let’s see what Bernie came up with…. WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS? ‘Jesus blows up balloons all day? Jesus, he wants to go to Venus?’ BERNIE! What the hell did you do to my song?!”

And thus, this cover earns Drake the Levon Award. The book itself might be awesome, but the cover, it wants to blow up balloons all day. And blow it does.

But the truly odd thing about this cover is… what exactly is that couple doing? What is she doing to his nose? Is he checking her breath? Is she about to tweeze his nosehair with her teeth? Do legless people floating in mid air amid giant rocks really worry about halitosis and stray boogers? Let me know: it’s time to caption that cover!

You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choice for the bestest one. Leave your entry in the comments, and feel free to pimp your faves if there’s one (who are we kidding. You is some funny people) - if there’s SEVERAL that make you spit beverages onto your keyboard.

Standard disclaimer: I’m not being compensated by offering this prize. I am compensated by being able to rant about this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING trainwreck of wtfery that is this cover. I’m not compensated by whatever bookstore I contact for gift card purchasing, and the winner gets to go book shopping - this is a good thing! Standard rules apply. Do not remove tag under penalty of law. This end up. We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge. You gonna like it, and that’s a promise.

WHOA. What is up with that? Robin asks the same thing: “Does it have super-uber magic powers this belt? Does it automatically scream “I am baddass, I can wear silver studs around my womanly/manly waist without looking like a refugee from 80s disco?”

No idea, but have you noticed the belt? Have you seen it elsewhere? How many are there - are the cover models sharing it? Is it being distributed across the urban fantasy genre peaceably or is there a sparkly belt treaty in play? This is amazing. World peace via silver studded belt.

Have you found Ye UF Belt? Share a link or pic in the comments - and if you OWN the belt, please, tell us of its magical properties!