You are viewing entries from "Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)"
by SB Sarah • Thursday, September 02, 2010 at 05:45 AM
The ever-awesome LadyRhian did some scanning, and then Candy and I did some screaming and some rushing and some eyewashing, and now it’s your turn to feast your eyes on the retro majesty.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you. As usual, these covers are NSFW in the fuchsia sense. I mean, there is NO way you can pass off that you’re doing work if you’re caught having a look-see at these.

Candy: Candy: I’ve encountered a lot of goofy names for schmeckies, but this is the first time I’ve heard it being called a Venus. Unless the title’s referring to the razor? I mean, this happy couple are kind of preternaturally shiny.
And speaking of preternatural: Holy Brylcreem bouffant, Batman! What did the stylist do, like, make the male model dive headfirst into a vat before posing for the shot?
Sarah: If the quality of a romance can be determined by the percentage of the cover that is turquoise and fuchsia, this book must be an absolute keeper of all keepers.
Also, why are there pink and purple bubbles emerging from her backside? She farts in colors, like the night?

Candy: Not only do they dare to kiss a cowboy, they dare to wear buckskin fringe. A LOT of buckskin fringe. The gayest (and I use that word with a lot of affection, because I loves me some gay) buckskin fringe that ever fringed. My only question is: where’s the cowboy? Is he hiding? Is he hiding (wait for it…) IN THE FRINGES?
Sarah: What do you think his tribal name is? “Rides with Jingle Knees?” “Armbands Do Not Make Him Gay?” “Stole the Vitalis?”
And more importantly, if this book was published in 1994, and that’s the “cowboy” there on the left, was Harlequin publishing M/M cross-dressing romance over 15 years ago and not telling anyone!?

Candy: Not so much vixen as corpse shot through a lens generously smeared with Vaseline to hide the fact that she’s, y’know, taxidermied. But “My Lady Rigor Mortis” just wouldn’t sell as many copies.
Sarah: On the turquoise-and-fuchsia scale, this book would give “Venus Rising” a run for its money, especially in the eyeshadow category. But what’s the quality indicated by a cover featuring Almost-Getting-to-Second-Base with a side order of Possible-Buttsecks?
« Was it good for you?
by SB Sarah • Friday, July 23, 2010 at 11:38 AM
That’s right - you win nosehair! Just kidding.
While I wish I could give away legless levitation with glowing ass powers, alas, my powers are limited to a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of the winner’s choosing for winning the Caption That Cover: Nosehair Edition contest, featuring one of the very worst covers I’ve seen in a long time.
Honorable mentions:
redcrow for “glittery anus”
Nadia for “In a world where their love is only limited by her supply of those little Tabasco packets you get at Chick-Fil-A, together they…Wait for Dusk!”
Castiron for “She’s a rare example of the Shining Rear Vampire.”
Natalie Hart for “She wanted to go down on him, but there didn’t seem to be any *there* there ... perhaps ... his nose was so large, and so hard ... it was worth a shot.”
First runner up:
Linsalot for “He had narcolepsy, She had halitosis. They were never meant to be together, but fate intervened and one legless night in a cave was all it took to change thier lives forever.”
And the winner: Kathleen for:
She wanted a man who could find her tapeworm.
He wanted a woman who shone the sun out of her ass.
Together they embarked on a mission to find their legs ... and found love instead.
Please email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom with your bookstore choice. Congratulations!
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, July 21, 2010 at 12:56 AM
I received a copy of this book in the mail, and I stared at the cover for a good five minutes trying to figure out what in the name of potpourri was going on there. Take a look:

First, this is one of the worst Photoshopped covers I’ve seen in forever. I can’t even find a digital image that truly showcases the hatchet and machete job of cut & paste that’s going on up in here. In the actual book cover, you can see this fugly line around the couple where they were dropped in front of the rocky background, and it’s so obvious you think it’s embossing, but no, run your finger over it and it’s flat. Maybe someone got crazy with the drop shadow and outer glow tools.
Hold up, here’s a scan.

Check out the outer glow under her bum! Glow fart?! Illuminate the dark in a WHOLE NEW WAY?
But wait, there’s more! On the cover itself, there’s a sheen to the background but not the drag-and-drop couple of Photoshop magic. So his legs, and her leg that’s wrapped around his hip just… disappears entirely. Guess it didn’t make the transition from one page to the next. But they have NO LEGS on this cover. They are legless and floating in mid-air, people. NO LEGS. I just checked twice and nope, not an ARC. You might think based on that graphic that there are legs in the shadows but I am telling you, there are no legs. None. They are magic floating people. Have a look:

This cover is so bad, it wins the Levon Award. What, you’ve never heard of it? That’s because I just made it up.
Levon is a song by Elton John that has really interesting music and the most fucked up lyrics you ever heard. John composes the music, and his lyricist Bernie Taupin writes the words, so I always imagined the creative process of Levon with Elton being all, “Oh, yeah, this is great. Nice piano, building harmony, great song! Let’s see what Bernie came up with…. WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS? ‘Jesus blows up balloons all day? Jesus, he wants to go to Venus?’ BERNIE! What the hell did you do to my song?!”
And thus, this cover earns Drake the Levon Award. The book itself might be awesome, but the cover, it wants to blow up balloons all day. And blow it does.
But the truly odd thing about this cover is… what exactly is that couple doing? What is she doing to his nose? Is he checking her breath? Is she about to tweeze his nosehair with her teeth? Do legless people floating in mid air amid giant rocks really worry about halitosis and stray boogers? Let me know: it’s time to caption that cover!
You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choice for the bestest one. Leave your entry in the comments, and feel free to pimp your faves if there’s one (who are we kidding. You is some funny people) - if there’s SEVERAL that make you spit beverages onto your keyboard.
Standard disclaimer: I’m not being compensated by offering this prize. I am compensated by being able to rant about this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING trainwreck of wtfery that is this cover. I’m not compensated by whatever bookstore I contact for gift card purchasing, and the winner gets to go book shopping - this is a good thing! Standard rules apply. Do not remove tag under penalty of law. This end up. We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge. You gonna like it, and that’s a promise.
« Was it good for you?
by SB Sarah • Monday, July 05, 2010 at 12:55 AM
Sometimes, you’re just not sure if a cover is going to work. I imagine this happens to everyone in publishing. Maybe there’s two perfect covers, or two perfect models, and you can’t pick the right one. Sometimes, it’s just a question of hair. Uber curl or long and blonde?
Which do you choose? How about both! Uber-alert reader Tracey sent me a heads-up about these two… heads.
Exhibit A: the paperback cover

Exhibit B: the ebook cover

Which do you like better?
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 12:46 AM
Alert reader Robin N. sent me the following collection of images, asking, “I know you talk about the butt side vs the front side on covers, and the dismembered corpse. What I want to know is, what is it with this belt? Why do I see this belt on practically every UF book?”
Belt? There’s an urban fantasy belt? Oh yes, yes there is.




WHOA. What is up with that? Robin asks the same thing: “Does it have super-uber magic powers this belt? Does it automatically scream “I am baddass, I can wear silver studs around my womanly/manly waist without looking like a refugee from 80s disco?”
No idea, but have you noticed the belt? Have you seen it elsewhere? How many are there - are the cover models sharing it? Is it being distributed across the urban fantasy genre peaceably or is there a sparkly belt treaty in play? This is amazing. World peace via silver studded belt.
Have you found Ye UF Belt? Share a link or pic in the comments - and if you OWN the belt, please, tell us of its magical properties!
« Was it good for you?