Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Thanks Star Opal. Few things make me giggle harder than David Hasselhoff, a light saber, and a shitload of eyeliner.

Now I feel MUCH better. 

Josefina sent me a like to this video, and it’s both fascinating and really, really squicky. I may never look at pandas the same way again. And we won’t even talk about the zebras.

And dear Lord, the print ads are squicktastic, too.

*shudder*

Thanks to Bitchery reader Delia, I nearly asphyxiated myself laughing. And before I tell you why, I have to confess something so shameful it’s going to set my face on fire with embarrassment.

Remember that show Beauty and the Beast with Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman as Vincent? He lived beneath Manhattan in a community of people living in the tunnels, and there love was all hairy and forbidden? Yeah, that. I was a huge fan. HUGE. I’ve probably mentioned that before. That’s not the embarrassing part - at least there I know I’m not alone.

I had the cassette tape of Ron Perlman as Vincent, complete with his kitty-teeth, reading poetry. Lots of poetry. The Beauty & the Beastsoundtrack tape was probably worn thin by the time I was done listening to it, because I listened to that thing ALL THE TIME. The slightly lisping fang-tastic reading of “She Walks in Beauty” or “I Arise From The Dreams Of Thee”? Oh, it sent my little 12 year-old heart a fluttering like nothing else.

We will not discussed how filled with squee I am to learn that all three seasons are available on DVD. No, not mentioning that. *ahem*

So: hairy Vincent man reading poetry? Teh Awesome.

Thanks to my friend DB, I have been made aware of Poopin’ Scoopin’ Barbie aka the Barbie Doll and Tanner set.

The best part? The “treats” you feed Tanner are also the “poop” that comes out of his butt. Logan, my wonder pooch, has all kinds of posterior issues that I won’t go into because, hey, you might be eating and that Barbie video was more than enough, but suffice it to say Logan has to take doses of bacon-flavored laxative. Logan re-enacts Tanner’s treat-n-poop sequence every single day. I can’t believe Barbie is thrilled about this. I know I’m not.

But wait, there’s more! For you cat lovers out there:

Theresa Doll & her cat Mika Give Mika some water, then squeeze poor Mika over the the sandbox, and there’s clumps of cat whiz to clean up with your Barbie litter scoop.

I am just dumbfounded with the hilarity of these toys, and I can’t figure out which one to get for Hubby. To hell with awesome kickass Pirate Barbie. THESE are the Barbies that will be worth BIG BUCKS in the future, despite that pesky recall. Mark my words!

We Smart Bitches wish you many wonderful novels in your stockings (or on your eBook reader, if you and Santa have that spunky digital connection - nudge nudge wink wink) and a peaceful, warm, and very Merry Christmas.

First, from Janet Mullany, this is so not what I am singing to the neighbors:

And second: each night Freebird and I drive around our neighborhood looking for lights. For a two year old, lights on houses is the coolest thing ever, especially when they come in funkass colors. So, from Freebird & me: funky houses with funky lights from across the US. Thank God they don’t live next door: