Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Ahoy there!

We Smart Bitches are hosting a quick charity auction on eBay to benefit the American Red Cross’ efforts to help folks in the US midwest. We are offering the new adspace for one single advertiser for the rest of December 2007. You can read the full text at the auction page, but it bears repeating here, since who is going to troll eBay looking for Bitches (other than me)?

If you win, you get the new adspace all to yourself for the duration of 2007, and design fees, should you need help, will be waived. All proceeds from this auction will be donated by Smart Bitches, Trashy Books LLC to the American Red Cross and designated for the shelters and relief effort in the US Midwest, where ice storms made a hell of a mess.

If you have any questions, or want to tell me I’m a total freakshow because I won’t let you advertise your Elmo site, Otherwise, bid early, bid often.

Greetings! You know what sucks a big wang? Being sick when you’re home on maternity leave, knowing that leave ends very soon. Lame!

So as a result I am holed up in my house, hanging out with the wee Baba, who is not so wee anymore, alternately sleeping and watching Discovery tv. Here are words of wisdom for you until I wake up enough to post something more romance-related and visually stimulating.

1. “There’s no poo in a vulva!” Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe, palpating a cow to determine if it’s pregnant. Wise words, sir. Watch where you’re sticking that arm.

2. From Freezair, a link to a Japanese game that invites you, as Freezaid said, to “defend your household and title from your dead husband’s relations--slappy-fight style!” You’re the widow and you have to slap the shit out of your dead husband’s horrible relatives to defend your right to the house and the family title. If you’re frustrated at the holiday season of nonstop family get-togethers, this could be a great stress reliever.

3. “Whether the vision of your home is warm and casual or cool and sheik, Olde Paint™ will be an ideal marriage to your own personal tastes.” - Ad for Anderson Floor’s new Olde Paint™ flooring collection (I’m remodeling my kitchen - OMG shoot me).

I have to say, my vision of my kitchen SHOULD be cool and sheik. I was going for green and low-environmental-impact, but that’s so 2007. And really, doesn’t “Cool Sheik” scream 2008? Now I have to figure out the best way to design a kitchen on a “sheik” theme. Bedsheets? Harem pillows for seating at a low table? Buxom kidnapped English aristocrats being held against their will in opulent bathrooms?

Perhaps every room of the ultimate Smart Bitch house should have a romance novel theme. The kitchen is obviously sheik-only. Baba’s room could be a secret (hence, secret baby) and the bathroom in which we’re attempting to potty train Freebird would obviously be “the Big Mis(s).” This could be fun - like a charity design house on hallucinogenic drugs! 

Norman Mailer has won the Bad Sex Award! What a marvelous honor for some truly amazing writing:

So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.

The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

Wow. “Her piety.” That’s a new one. I hope I don’t see that again. 

As Mightygodking noted: there’s only one joke to this video, but HOLY CHRIST it’s a good one.

Hang on, doesn’t what he do to the candles and what he does to himself when he’s alone count as the same thing? Wait, ‘scuse me: [bleep] as the same thing?

I have a confession. I don’t always shop at local bookstores. An email this morning from NJ My Way, which is sort of a newsletter of “Hey! Jersey’s cool, yo!”, reminded me that there are some great bookstores near me, even if the parking around them is a hassle, and that maybe this year I ought to drive down and shop personally rather than clicking all my gifts for the holidays.

So that’s my goal: buy as many books as gifts as possible, and do not use my mouse to do it.

What books are on your gift list this year?

(Note: Hubby and people who actually know me: This is below the fold for a reason. So don’t go clicking down here, k? Thx.)