Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Clearly, we cannot claim the concept of an LOLHoff for ourselves; it’s not hard to put the majesty of the Hoff together with the outright ballsmacking hysteria of the LOL-caption.

But! I do wonder: who knows what Bitchery members may lurk in the LOLHoff Blog?

Edited to add: No, no, ‘twasn’t us! I haven’t the foggiest who is behind the LOLHoff Blog - but I am certainly amused by it. I figured it was one of y’all!

It’s time for another SBTB Fark-style contest of complete madness and hi-freaking-larity.

Behold: The Hasselhoff. You thought the joke was dead? Not so, says the copies of the Hoffobiography now in my dining room.

Your challenge! Create a LOLHoff using any of the many fine images of the Hoffster that you can find on that wily interweb. For those unsure of that of which I write, an LOLHoff is similar to a LOLCat or a LOLHunk.

You can post your LOLHoff (plsplspls, don’t make it bigger than 300x300 px) in the comments using an IMG HTML tag or you can email them to Candy or I and we will upload and post them for you.

We shall laugh and post and Hoff and vote all in this thread, and discuss who has best used their skills for their LOLHoff. Voting will end on Monday July 2, whenever we decide to stop counting.

There be Winners? Then let there be prizes!

1st place: The official Hoffobiography of your very own, and a $25 Amazon gift certificate.

2nd place: The official Hoffobiography and a $10 Amazon gift certificate.

3rd place: The official Hoffobiography and a Hoff Plane of your very own (paper not Boeing).

EDITED TO ADD: Should you win the Hoffatstic biography prize, please consider that we’d welcome your Guest Bitch Review™ of the content therein, because there can never be too much Hoff.

But of course, you can has samples:

Charlene forwarded me this link to a flash advertisement sequence for Reversa. If you load the Reversa website at seemoresideeffects.ca you can “Step into the Living Room.”

Select a product (I selected the UV Anti Spot Lightening Cream which is the first box on the left and then clicked “See more Side Effects")

Wrinkly suit blonde lady gets up, and then a sullen chef walks in (WTF?).

Here is where I ask: Hot or Creepy?

Click “Make Bread.” Sullen chef kneads bread. Mantitty jiggles. He spanks the loaf of bread and does a half-assed job of accurately kneading it.

Charlene says, “I’ve never seen the product on store shelves, and I’m not sure what skin cream has to do with a half-naked guy kneading bread, but hey.”

Now, if I looked at everything BUT his face, because he was sneering and kind of smarmy looking in a “Yeah I know I’m hot” way, he was hot. But include the face? Creepy.

Another person I showed it to? Desperate to find out who that guy is so she can wallpaper her phone with his mantitty.

So I ask you - Mr. Bread Kneading Chef Mantitty: hot or creepy?

Edited to add: I checked out “Pastry Making” with sullen shirtless chef mantitty? I had to run away while the other woman nearly ran away with my monitor so she could be alone with it. In my mind? OMG CREEPY RUN RUN! 

Have I mentioned here that I exist in something of a news fast? I rarely if ever read the news. I might hear a few seconds of an update on the radio, and I see the backs of other people’s papers on the subway, but I’ve been on a news fast for a long time, mostly because I don’t trust a word that comes out of any major American news outlet. That’s a longer story.

The other reason is that lately, I am so incredibly hormonal. I really can’t figure out why. *rests hands on giant round gestating stomach* If I just sit here a minute I might come up with a reason… I can’t really put my finger on it. But yeah, most of the time, the news upsets me more than a little. I’m a lightweight. I admit it. Well, that’s not really the right word. I’m as big as a barn, and not light in weight at this time, but hormonally and emotionally speaking, I’m a bit of a wuss.

So reading about the following made me exceptionally glad I wasn’t wearing mascara today. I was crying out of rage and sorrow, and out of incredible pride and admiration.

On April 7, 2007, Dua Khalil Aswad, a 17 year old Yazidi Iraqi girl, was pulled into a crowd of men, some of whom were family members, and beaten and stoned to death as an “honor killing.” She had been seen in the company of a man of a different faith, a young man who was a Sunni Arab. Armed policemen were there, and the entire murder was captured on handheld video. No one did a thing to stop them or to save her. She died of a fractured skull and a broken spine.

A month later, Joss Whedon wrote about Khalil on Whedonesque, and his entry inspired a group of people led by Skyla Dawn Cameron to put together “an anthology of responses to Khalil’s death and the issues Whedon raised in his original essay ([the] culture of misogyny, violence against women, and the need for equality). It will be printed through Lulu.com, with all proceeds going to charity.” The planned release date is the one year anniversary of Dua Khalil’s death, April 7, 2008.

The book, Nothing But Red is seeking writers and artists to participate - and all formats, media, and genres are open - as well as volunteers to help put the book together. The first article will be Whedon’s original post, though the organizers are looking for anything that serves as a response to Khalil’s death. Submissions are being accepted from 1 August 2007 until 1 November 2007.

You can find out more at the Nothing But Red site, or email Skyla Dawn Cameron directly. But spreading the world is of the most help.

Always stymied for a Father’s Day gift?  Never fear, next year you’ll know exactly what to give him: Pussy Juice. (NOT WORK SAFE, KIDS.)

No. Am not kidding. Not even a little.

I’m looking forward to their next product offerring: Sweat From My Balls. (You can feel it!)

Props to iffygenia for forwarding me the link. And by props, I mean “HOLY GOD WOMAN, WHAT THE FUCK?”