Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I got this PowerPoint presentation in teh email today, and had to share. Because if it’s Friday, and it’s Smart Bitches, there must be kilts.

Kilt Power! (right click and download, Bitches!)

Enjoy!

EDITED TO ADD:

I OWE YOU ALL CHOCOLATE because I neglected to mention that this is OMG-SRSLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

No, really, NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

Geez. I feel like a tool. I’m sorry ya’ll! 

Behold, the highlights of the book signing with David Hasselhoff.

Most Embarrassing Moment: My asking the checkout clerk at the Barnes & Noble for three copies of Don’t Hassel the Hoff.

Moment When I Felt Much Better: When the woman with a bonafide German accent said she needed FOUR copies of the book.

Moment when I Felt Dizzy: It was 89 today (that’s about 31c and is plenty damn hot omg) and I walked quite a ways to the store, but that wasn’t too difficult, even with my waddly self. No, what made my head spin to the point where I thought I might have to sit down and put my head between my knees? Seeing that I now carried three of the Hoff’s visage on the back cover of his book. Wow.

Person in front of me: I *heart* the Hoff. I’m so excited. OhMahGaaaahd I can’t believe I get to meet him. I saw him in Vegas! He was SO GOOD.

(I barely restrained myself from asking, “At what?")

Person behind me to BN employee prepping books for signing: ”I need it to be made out to ‘Cong. Kennedy.’ Yes, seriously. Oh, and I need to talk to Mr. Hasselhoff’s publicist and his agent. Can you tell me which ones they are and introduce me?”

(This was a BN employee who had a pen and a pad of Post-It notes. Clearly the person to ask for an introduction to Hoff’s agent.)

Person behind me to me: “You should have him autograph your belly! And name the baby David, Jr!”

Most bizarre experience: Being interviewed by a Japanese daily newspaper WITH PHOTO as “Sarah from NYC” who was there because I have an origami Hoff airplane and he needs to sign it. The reporter said she was VERY VERY GOOD at origami, and laughed when I told her it took me about 45 minutes to fold my Hoff plane, even with directions. So tomorrow, there’s going to be a Japanese daily paper with my picture with my HoffPlane, and in Japanese it will say something about how the power of my origami plane required my presence at David Hasselhoff’s booksigning. Pity I don’t know what the hell paper it was.

Biggest frustration: The barky annoying BN people who were like “NO MEMORABILIA!!!” when talking about my HoffPlane.

Biggest Nyah-nyah: The Hoffster saying, “What’s That?!” when he saw the HoffPlane. His publicist from St. Martin’s was there, and she confirmed it was a big hit as a marketing tool. Well, of COURSE it is.

Awesomest Giveaway: The Hoff brought shirts for everyone who attended the book signing. I totally got one:

Biggest Moment: Me, my belly, my HoffPlane, and...The Hoff.

So this weekend, there was much flyage of Hoff in my house, including a direct toss of the flying Hoff Plane at my mother-in-law, who was very, very supremely confused by the idea of a Hoff paper airplane. I think Hubby explained it at least twice.

Then, on Saturday, I got an email from Annie Dean, who was inspired by recent news report circling around the publicity of his recent Hoffobiography™ that the Hoff temporarily lost visitation rights after a video was leaked of the Hoffster allegedly drunk attempting to eat a cheeseburger.

Did someone say… cheeseburger? Dean heard that and said, “Behold! LOLHoffs!”

Now, someone might appear in the comments here and say that yet again, we’ve gone too far.

But the Bitches, we love the Hoff like The Manolo loves the Shoes.

How much love do we profess for The Hoff? How far will we go for the Hoffster?

So much love that I am contemplating waddling myself many blocks south tomorrow to personally Hassel the Hoff at a book signing. No, really. I might personally go hassel the Hoff. The Hoffmania, it cannot be contained.

Any Bitches want to join me? 12:30 pm at the B&N on 46th & 5th, tomorrow, 5 June 2007. Bring your hassel. I’m bringing the camera so as to record the momentus occasion, when I’z in yr bookstorz, hasslin yr hoff.

Suppose you have no weekend plans. Usually this is me - I plan little, but this weekend we have many an appointment which means Freebird will be feeling puny and we’ll end up cancelling everything.

But lucky for me, and for you if you have no plans or a toddler or both, there’s Something To Do!

“What’s that?” I can hear you asking your monitor aloud.  You’re on the edge of your seat? What possible item could be so grand that Smart Bitches would not only talk about but also offer it for download?

Why, it’s a paper airplane of David Hasselhoff’s head, of course.

No really. We’re not kidding. (*right click to download*)

How could it be anything else? Thanks to Stephanie Gayle, a Hofftastic paper airplane, designed to promote his Hoffobiography™ (Candy thought that up) can be yours, all yours, the preciousssss.

Just think of the possibilities. You can download it now, print it out, and fly it around your office on a Friday afternoon. You can bring it home and fly it all weekend, amusing your friends and family with your Hoff-flying skillz.

In fact, if you have a picture of yourself flying your little Hoff this weekend, send it our way via email ( or )with your screen name and a caption. Hofftastic airplanes and Smart Bitches, after all, are world wide and unspeakably awesome.

It seems that Candy, who suffers from Internetus Interruptus for long periods of her day, did not know of the miraculous miracle that is David Hasselhoff’s Autobiography.

Email from Sarah to Candy:

Sarah: So which one of us will read and review David Hasselhoff’s new autobiography?

Candy: WHAAAAAT?

You’re shittin’ me. Please tell me you’re shittin’ me.

Sarah: You know it’s called, Don’t Hassel the Hoff right?

So, yeah. Don’t hassel the Hoff. Read his book!

Candy: You’re lying. Liar. LIARRRRRRRRRR.

It can’t be true. I refuse to believe, because I’m a rationalist and a skeptic, and if his book is published, it pretty much proves Satan is in charge.

Sarah: Get thee behind me, Satan. It was published May 17. Here, have an official book description.

The Los Angeles Times called him a “counterculture icon,” and TV Guide dubbed him one of “TV’s Ten Most Powerful Stars,” but true aficionados simply call him “The Hoff.”

Don’t Hassel the Hoff follows David Hasselhoff’s phenomenal career, from his earliest childhood role in Peter Pan to his latest adventure, starring in Mel Brooks’s Tony award-winning musical, The Producers.  There is no better time to celebrate Hasselhoff’s life and a career that continues to grow and thrive. As the star of the extremely popular classic television shows, “Baywatch” and “Knight Rider,” Hasselhoff is an international mega-star, with platinum album sales and starring roles on Broadway and London’s West End.

As this fascinating memoir reveals, there’s more to this handsome superstar than great hair, and legs that look good while running down a beach. “The Hoff” is also a smart, caring man with a huge heart.

“This book is my opportunity to print something from my heart, to tell the truth about what happened to me on the long and winding road from Baltimore to Baywatch to Broadway – and beyond.  And the truth is not to be found in tabloid stories but in my actions: I am a good father and tried to be a good husband.  I love people and the emotional rollercoaster that goes with human relationships. I love all the bewildering, crazy and wonderful things that life has to offer. This book is about my successes and my failures, my strengths and my weaknesses.  And, above all, it is about the hope contained in the Knight Rider slogan: “One man can make a difference.” --David Hasselhoff

Full of behind-the-scenes looks at Hasselhoff’s television series, celebrations of his proudest moments, and the truths about his struggles with relationships and alcohol, Don’t Hassel the Hoff is both highly entertaining and deeply personal, making this an engrossing page-turner from start to finish.

Long live “The Hoff.”

Candy: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh my word. Oh my...Oh my OWWWW.

It sounds like The Onion wrote this. It really, really does.

Sarah: No, it’s fur realz.

Satire that good has to be real.