Smart Bitches, Trashy Books | Romance Novel Reviews | Come for the Dominican Bitches, Stay for the Man Titty | Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)

by SB Sarah • Tuesday, September 02, 2008 at 06:41 AM

Jane from Dear Author forwarded us a cover image that’s so spectacular, we had to share it. And challenge you to caption it with the appropriate sound effect.

Jane: Doesn’t it look like she is squishing his 6 pack together and the muscles are going to burst out through the skin like some pus from a pimple?

Candy: FWARGH! I physically flinched when that cover loaded.

The coy way her fingers baaaarely cover his manly nipples is hilarious. And her fingers are causing the surrounding titty to WRINKLE. Are her fingers the equivalent of super sour candy FOR NIPPLES?

Sarah: Awful, isn’t it? Like he has saline implants and she’s massaging them.

Do you think his man titty sounds like that squelch when you jump on a waterbed?

And behold, a Smart Bitch Contest is born! Caption that Cover—Onomatopoeia Edition: What is the sound made my his man titty when squished by her stubby little fingers? Feel free to weigh in with whatever caption you like, LOLs or otherwise, but we’re looking for sound effects, folks.

Winner as judged by Jane, Candy and me will receive a copy of a copy of Manhandling by Karen Anders, and a $20 Gift Certificate to Amazon or Powells (your choice).

Here’s a slightly-fuzzy close up of the wrinkly squish to, you know, inspire you.

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Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition) • Go Ahead, Win Some Shit
Tags: amazon, make the burning stop, man titty

by SB Sarah • Wednesday, August 27, 2008 at 01:42 AM

“The Photoshop Job That Almost Made me Snort a Grape (Ow)” Award of the day goes to Lisa Paitz Spindler for her marble-rye inspired headshopping of our last cover snark. OMG. HA.

Thanks to Kate Rothwell for the heads up.

9 comments •

Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition) • General Bitching • The Link-O-Lator
Tags: make the burning stop

by SB Sarah • Friday, August 22, 2008 at 10:38 AM

This week: costume drama, as in ‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’

Sarah: Between the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest, I had to giggle. The ice dancing puff-shouldered heroine was worth a snort, too. But the incredibly bendy legs of the horse? Oh, holy shit.

Candy: Miss Manners on graceful abduction-on-horseback etiquette: “Gentle abductee: The new rage when being pulled off your feet by frilly-shirted men on horseback is to struggle for freedom, but it seems to Miss Manners that this new development lacks a certain couthness and grace. Try arching your back to present a flattering profile, and remember to keep that pinkie up. Packing your own fan to ensure your tresses stream behind you is, however, gauche at best, and implies that your abductor does not know his job. In this particular instance, Miss Manners would like to gently remind you that natural is best.”

Sarah: Nobody forgets the nude dude at the garden party, that’s for sure.

Candy: Titles that were briefly contemplated for this cover before being discarded:

“The Nudist and the Drag Queen”

“Is That Really a Third Nipple?”

“Still Life with Schlong and Potted Geranium”

“For the Love of a Dead-Faced Hooker”

Sarah: Nothing but NOTHING says “Scottish” like slops. And purple hose. In the ocean.

Candy: What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest? Are they supposed to be chest hair? I mean, I have full sympathy for artists trying to depict chest hair without making it look smudgy, but seriously: the bits on his sternum look like grease paint. The better to accentuate his top-notch man-titty?

62 comments •

Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
Tags: legs, make the burning stop, man titty, scottish

by SB Sarah • Thursday, July 24, 2008 at 04:40 AM

I have a stack of book covers to get through, each one more awesome than the next - and by “awesome” I mean “so searingly neon in color and utterly bizarre in artistic construct that I can only gape and wish with a naughty part of myself that there were more covers on the market now that looked like these, if only for the sake of hilarity.” Or something like that.

Sarah: “She’d never give her love to the strong handsome cowboy?” Normally you might say to yourself, “Suuuure she won’t.” Come on: he’s shirtless and has a mullet - how could she resist? But what you don’t know is that she’s already given her tender daisy blossom to someone else. And he’s racing in from the east to put a stop to that temptesting right… about… now.

Candy: Aw, man, I wish the horse freaking out in the background were a dragon just so I can yell “And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.” Because look at that horse! Man, it’s pissed. It’s ready to do some burninatin’. Or at the very least some stompin’-the-everlovin-shit-out-of-that-shit.

Sarah: She may be destiny’s temptress, but she’s got nothing compared to the temptation of self tanner that makes your skin appear the exact same hue as a horse in the background.

Candy: That bilious tinge on the guy’s skin looks really suspicious to me. If you ask me, he looks rather like one of the walking dead who’s slathered self-tanner on himself to disguise the state of his decomposition. She thinks he’s nuzzling her. He’s just savoring the smell of her spicy brains.

Sarah: The boy is sad because:
1. His momma made him wear pink shoes.
2. His momma is grabbing her own ass while kissing up to a skanky cowboy right in front of his virgin eyes.
3. His momma’s hair matches her cowboy lover’s mullet.
4. All of the above.

Candy: Poor lady! You don’t need to play grab-ass with yourself any more. Look, you’ve finally found a beautifully-sculpted man who’s clearly into going to the gym, shaving all his body hair off and playing cowboy dress up…

Oh.

Wait.

OK, never mind, then. Keep on playin’ grab-ass with your bad self.

Sarah: Merry?
Yes, Devon?
We are the protagonists in arguably one of the best romances ever, correct?
Yes.
And we pretty much set the bar for historical romances, particularly those involving pirates.
That’s true.
So why did our book cover put us in front of a pepto bismol sea under a purple sky with a disturbing happy jolly roger over our heads? Where are we?!
I don’t know, but you need to have the roots of your mullet touched up.
Yes, dear.
Nice sword, though.
Thank you.

Candy: Dear lord. That cover looks like what would happen if a host of My Little Ponies, after a weekend bender in Vegas, decided to puke it all back up. Except one of them had accidentally eaten a hooker AND some bad props from the Treasure Island hotel in an alcohol-fueled daze.

51 comments •

Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)
Tags: dragons, make the burning stop, pirates

by SB Sarah • Thursday, July 17, 2008 at 08:26 AM

It’s a wonderous hallmark of Old Skool romance covers to have some type of animal in the background freaking the fuck out. The FTFO Background Creature has ranged from kangaroos to rearing stallions (obviously), but in a recent purchase from eBay, Sarah found many, many old skool covers, each one more snarkable than the next. Thank eBay, the scanner, and the long lost treasure trove from which these covers came, we will not be short for snarkage in a long, long time.