Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

This is the Sam Hain Francium Discover New Authors Program. Or, “Francium” for short. Why?

Because it’s the second rarest element on the periodic table? And Sam Hain is among those rare entities: a commercially viable, professionally-behaved e-publisher? With a website that doesn’t feature a buffet of typos and non sequiturs?

No. (Francium is also the least stable of the elements, and that does not at all apply to Sam Hain).

Is it because Francium does all sorts of wildly kinky chemical things, like coprecipitate with silicotungstate, and doesn’t “silicotungstate” sound like something mildly porny? And Sam Hain is known for the kinky Hott Sexxoring Stories?

No. (But “Silicotungstate” was totally fun to type and say out loud, as was “coprecipitate.")

Is it because Francium was invented by Marguerite Perey, a female scientist at the Curie Institute? And Sam Hain is founded and run by a team of women (plus Scott Carpenter, who I hear likes to choke a chicken on his business cards)?

Nope.

You probably already guessed - the periodic symbol for Francium is “Fr.” Which is half of the word FREE! So - half a free book to discover new authors? Francium.

No, no, Sam, don’t thank me. I’m here all week.

Many adventures ensue. There is a stint in a traveling circus, a ride on a zeppelin, a meeting with three mysterious sisters, and an encounter with a famous artist (abstract or surrealist, definitely not representational). All of this is background for the main story, which involves a mystery solved by K and a famous female literary figure (a Bronte? Virginia Woolf? V.C. Andrews?) who is inspired by the events to write what will become her first novel.

Early in the book, there is a love triangle in which K becomes involved with a lighthouse keeper, a pirate, and a vampire (love square? love rhombus?) Apparently none of these affairs comes to fruition, as K ends up married and wearing a burquah in Iran (Afghanistan?) where she learns in a heartfelt, tender way the firsthand misery of life behind the veil. (Personally, I think it's likely that the patron is mixing the plot of two or more books. She's a regular and there is some medical history involved although she is one of our most devoted readers. So if part of this doesn't fit, please pass along your suggestions anyway.)

The patron describes the tone of the book as a "vivid, fast-paced historical romp with lyrical, nuanced prose." She says the writing is compelling and evocative, much like the works of Thackeray, Proust, or Robert Heinlein (!?), but with a youthful, angsty quality. (I added "with overtones of green apple, a soupcon of vanilla, playful hints of elderberry, and an earthy finish" as a little joke, but she just said "no, it was more spicy than fruity.")

She remembers the cover as sepia or gray in color, with red lettering. There was a picture of a woman (presumably K) but not a complete picture. It may, in fact, have been a picture of only her feet. One of the words in the title may have been a day of the week, or a month, or a season and at the time she read it, she remembers thinking that the title as a whole reminded her of a band name or a popular song title.

If all that weren't complicated enough, the patron thinks the book might be based on a true story or contained elements of memoir (get in line on that one, huh?) The patron swore that the book was co- written by James Patterson. I told her this last bit was unlikely, and that regardless, this information would not help us limit the search.

After several searches, I'm unable to locate the book. (Or books?) The patron would also like to read books like this one, but I must confess, I'm stumped about where to start there as well. Any ideas?