Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Courtesy of Darlene Marshall:

International Condom ads. I think the wrestlers are my favorite. I almost snorted coffee out my nose.

Remember: Not Work Safe for Office Bitches!

Suppose you have no weekend plans. Usually this is me - I plan little, but this weekend we have many an appointment which means Freebird will be feeling puny and we’ll end up cancelling everything.

But lucky for me, and for you if you have no plans or a toddler or both, there’s Something To Do!

“What’s that?” I can hear you asking your monitor aloud.  You’re on the edge of your seat? What possible item could be so grand that Smart Bitches would not only talk about but also offer it for download?

Why, it’s a paper airplane of David Hasselhoff’s head, of course.

No really. We’re not kidding. (*right click to download*)

How could it be anything else? Thanks to Stephanie Gayle, a Hofftastic paper airplane, designed to promote his Hoffobiography™ (Candy thought that up) can be yours, all yours, the preciousssss.

Just think of the possibilities. You can download it now, print it out, and fly it around your office on a Friday afternoon. You can bring it home and fly it all weekend, amusing your friends and family with your Hoff-flying skillz.

In fact, if you have a picture of yourself flying your little Hoff this weekend, send it our way via email ( or )with your screen name and a caption. Hofftastic airplanes and Smart Bitches, after all, are world wide and unspeakably awesome.

We love Mrs. Giggles like a rockstar loves his vicodin, and her Blog Drama drinking game had us rolling on the floor. In the spirit of shameless plagiarism loving homage, we would like to present a Smart Bitch-specific version of the game. Feel free to click through the various kefufflage we’ve experiened the past month or so and drink until you feel like Ozzy Osbourne.

- Candy starts splitting infinitives, noun pairs and subject-verb pairs with “motherfucker” or “motherfucking”: 1 sip (small ones--we don’t you to experience alcohol poisoning here)

- Candy breaks into stupid Internet abbreviations because they make her LOL like AOL: 1 sip

- Or makes webcomic/webgeek references, and starts calling the Internet the Intertubes, Interwebs or Interblag: 2 sips

- Candy starts posting image macros: 3 sips

- And the macros are ORLY owls: 4 sips

- Or Lolcats: 5 sips

- Buttsecks owl invoked: Chug the damn mug

- Or Tubgirl: Throw up everything you’ve just drunk

- Candy acts like an asshole: 1 sip

- And admits as much in the comments: 2 sips

- Sarah posts a link or a news item and unexpectedly sets off a firestorm of OMGDRAMA: 2 sips

- Sarah eschews lengthy commentage about the drama and instead writes a whole new entry addressing the comments, complete with back-and-forth with Candy: 2 sips

- Sarah ponders, pontificates and asks questions: 1 sip

- Sarah starts getting pissed off and snipes back: GRAB YOUR FLASK AND RUN FOR COVER, FUCKERS

- Robin posts more than 500 words in her comment: 2 sips

- And Candy replies with 750: 3 sips

- EvilAuntiePeril shows up and writes a poem parody to mark the occasion: 3 sips

- Jane from Dear Author shows up and makes a comment defending readers: 1 sip

- And talks about authors behaving badly: 2 sips

- Then clarifies some sort of esoteric legal point: 3 sips

- Lilith Saintcrow, Bam et al reference inside joke: 1 sip

- Gratuitous image of a naked David Hasselhoff: 2 sips + bucket of bleach for your eyes

- Someone comments that Sarah or Candy is going to hell because we’re slimy, evil bottom-feeders: 1 sip

- And we’ve gone too far: 3 sips

- AND we are banned from internet: Chug a lug, baby.

- Someone makes the entirely original observation that two of the words in our blog title provide an oh-so-accurate reflection of the content: 4 sips

- Someone invokes the First Amendment incorrectly, a.k.a. Amy E’s law: 5 sips

- Someone else corrects that poster on their civil liberties: refill!

- Someone mentions Nazism, Fascism or both: 5 sips

- When really, they’re referring to generic authoritarianism and not Nazism or Fascism per se: 8 sips

- Someone threatens lawsuits: 10 sips

- Someone else delivers succinct correction as to how the legal system in the US works: 10 sips

- Suing commenter repeats threat anyway: drink till it’s dry.

- The central figure (or somebody claiming to be them) in the OMGDRAMA shows up in the comments: 2 sips

- And ends up making a semi-illiterate death threat: Drink what’s left of the bottle, break it over your head and allow prone body to be dragged off to the nearest car trunk

- Nora Roberts says ‘bitchipants fuckhead’: Go lie down for awhile. Bring the bottle with you.

- For every hour of work productivity lost because you’re too busy refreshing the comments and/or typing out lengthy flamebait pure erudition in the form of comments: 1 sip

“But… Duncan,” she wept tearfully. “I do not understand. My brother’s best friend’s dog walker’s cousin knows this girl who says this guy saw you pass out at 31 Flavors last night!”

“Alas, my fair Tittynia,” Duncan whispered huskily. “Twas not me. I was home. Alone. Missing your titian hair and your Rubenesque calves.”

“Oh, Duncan, shelter me under the comfort of your man-titty for all time!” She closed her eyes, relief washing over her in a wet wave of tears. It had all been a big miscommunication, just like the time she thought she saw him dressed as a woman, but he said it was really his mother’s ghost shopping at Neiman’s, or that other time she saw him at the Asse Castle Gay Bar but it turned out to be his secret twin brother. Just a silly misunderstanding, she thought, blissfully.

The End.

Don’t forget to save Duncan’s fate - enter the SB Big Mis writing contest. Deadline is tomorrow at midnight, PST.

Fabio is busy convincing me to try I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter in his tiger-pelt strewn living room, so I’m guessing he can’t also be playing on the Make Your Own Romance Cover page, too. Does this stop me from uploading images and having a good old wasting-of-time? Heck, no!

Miri was kind enough to forward me the think. Now I have to get my fine romance cover printed out so I can put it all over the house. Check me out. I’m savagely awesome, I think.