Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Fabio is busy convincing me to try I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter in his tiger-pelt strewn living room, so I’m guessing he can’t also be playing on the Make Your Own Romance Cover page, too. Does this stop me from uploading images and having a good old wasting-of-time? Heck, no!

Miri was kind enough to forward me the think. Now I have to get my fine romance cover printed out so I can put it all over the house. Check me out. I’m savagely awesome, I think.

I bet you all have your curiosity about Candy and me. Perhaps we spend our days reading romances, eating bonbons and snarking away at the man titty in our festively pink office that matches our festively pink website. Perhaps...or perhaps not.

Either way, to announce our final Smart Bitch Writing Contest of the year, I’ll give you a glimpse into how Candy and I come up with pretty much most of our content.

Sarah: Duncan Larksthrush needs a heroine, and a plot.

Candy: He needs a more manly name than Larksthrush, though. Rockthrust would be better. And one more thing: That parody was near-perfect except for the mention of Harlequin/Silhouette at the end. I wish people didn’t automatically assume all romances are Harlequins. Leisure, Zebra, Avon and Berkley would’ve been a much more accurate. God, I’m a nitpicky bitch.

Sarah: Maybe he’s Duncan Larksthrush, Duke of Rockthrush. Anyway, how can we best ask the Bitchery to help Duncan out?

Candy: How about a Big Misunderstanding scene? Like the big reveal. Person to come up with the most contrived, convoluted Big Mis wins.

Sarah: OH YES OH YES OH YES, she cried.

And thus a Smart Bitch Contest is born.

If you need some toys with, um, thrusting action, let us Smart Bitches help you out.

And here’s a toy that sounds dirty, but isn’t.

I should stay away from toy catalogs, clearly.

But wait, there’s more! Pass the Pickle sounds like something from Ellora. Does the pickle get passed before or after the dildoes on Tuesdays?

Bitchery Reader Sarah sent me a link to a Reuters news article discussing the final event of the Belfast Literary Festival.

Seems the attendees are bringing an end to the fun with a reading of the most alliteratively awful passages from the works of “Amanda McKittrick Ros, accused by critics of penning some of the most atrocious books ever written.” The trick: they can’t laugh as they read.

This noble feat was first attempted by the Inkings, among them C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein, who met to attempt to read Ros aloud without busting a gut passages such as, “The living sometimes learn the touchy tricks of the traitor, the tardy and the tempted; the dead have evaded the flighty earthy future and form to swell the retinue of retired rights, the righteous school of the invisible and the rebellious roar of the raging nothing.”

According to the article, “Ros herself would rage against critics, calling them ‘evil-minded snapshots of spleen’ and ‘auctioneering agents of Satan.’”

I think Candy and I have been called that upon occasion.

So, what does this mean for you? Why, it’s a chance to compete for a crowning, and a find certificate of currency for commerce at Amazon.com!

The Rules

Compose a scene of no more than 100 words that is as awful and alliterative as possible. It can be a fight scene, a love scene, a climax to a story, or an opening paragraph. Your choice. Just make it heavy on the alliteration.

Email your scene to Sarah and Candy by Sunday, 8 October, 2006.

Voting will begin when the entries are posted.

Winner shall receive a Smart Bitch Title™ and a gift certificate to Amazon.com for $25.00US.

Any questions? Ask away! Best of luck to those Bitchery babes who can blast the language to bits!

Our recent Mad Libs explosion has no doubt ruined many pairs of underwear across the nation. I know it would’ve ruined mine--that is, if I wore any, ha ha ha. In fact, so many of them are so good, I feel they need to be acknowledged in some way. Therefore, please find here the Best of the Best, as picked democratically by the Committee of Me, Me, Me, with categories also decided by Me, Me, Me.

Minor edits were made to verbs that were in the wrong tense, as well as corrections to all instances of adverb/adjective confusion, but otherwise, everything was copied verbatim.