Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Remember those Mad Libs we ran last year? Yeah, it's time for another one. Just a quick one, though--we're only generating a title and its tagline. Maybe a more substantial one when the concept of Free Time doesn't make me laugh weakly yet hysterically. As always, copy and paste your brilliant results into the comments.

Verb, past tense:
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Let’s see if we can make this work. Given that multiple people can comment at a time, it might overlap a bit, but let’s give it a shot.

Since Eva Longoria’s book is probably going to be “written” with assistance and possibly in its entirety by another writer, let’s give her a hand.

Let us compose the first chapter (or two) of Longoria’s romance novel. Each of you has 150 words to write, and we’ll add on to each other’s paragraphs. It’s a quick-action round-robin creation of the most tawdry, ridiculous, Longoriastic romance novel ever.

Then we’ll vote on the best contribution and annoint the winner with pixels and, if I can get her agent on the phone, a signed photograph of Longoria. Or a picture of a desperate housewife. I bet I can find one in my neighborhood. And hell, I’m not a housewife but I get plenty desperate if there’s no chocolate in the vicinity so you might just get a picture of my fine self. Now how’s THAT for inspiration?

Here are the rules:

You have 150 words; I’ve temporarily upped the comment character limit so you have a crapload of letters to use. But please limit to 150 words (give or take 5).

Your paragraph should continue the previously posted paragraph in the story but work quickly - this is about speed, absurdity, and Eva Longoria’s writing career. We want your comment posted in the thread location where you want it to appear, but we also have to get this thing out before the stardom sparkler that is the Housewives most Desperate burns through its last 15 minutes.

I won’t give you too much structure - this is about wanton creativity and vivid, dare I say desperate, imagination, after all. But do work in the use of the word “longoria,” if you can.

On your mark, get set - go!

In our discussion of the RITA nominations, many a Bitchery member remarked on the lack of award category for erotica, and the difficulty of creating such an award that accurately judges erotica, romantica, and the genre as a whole.

Perhaps that difficulty might come as much from RWA’s documented hesitancy to welcome erotica alonside its other genres, but it is certainly a difficult category to judge against the traditional structure of romance - as erotica does its best to bust through established traditions.

That said, a few suggested that the entire process of nomination and submission was a challenge, and that the RITA categories yielded a mix of disparate genres under one heading.

So, we figured, we should certainly stick OUR noses into the awards arena. So we hereby create The Most Important Writing Award Ever: the Smart Bitch Book Awards, henceforth known as The BWAHA: The Bitchery Writing Award for Hellagood Authors.

Here’s the deal: we’ll accept nominations in the following categories, and the top 5 nominated books in each category will make the finals.

Finalists will be voted on by the Bitchery, with winners announced with great fanfare (think ManTitty. Lots of ManTitty.) and we’ll give out fabulous three-dimensional prizes possessing of actual matter. Or gift certificates. Or both!

Nominations will be accepted until Tuesday, April 4, 2006.

Books eligible for nomination must have a publication date of 2005.

Finalists will be announced that week, and voting on the finalists will be open for a one week period. 

One set of nominations per person, and one vote per person.

This will be an annual event, a writer/reader nominated and writer/reader voted award, and we expect The BWAHA will be THE award to brag about.

Please, send your nominations to and by Tuesday, April 4.

And now, on to the categories!

A few days late, and I apologize - the PowerBook, it was not so full of the Power this weekend. It was more full of Things that Annoy Sarah. But Duchess Cuntington tolerates no crap from her subordinates, and we are back in business - the business of bestowing wicked awesome titles on the winners of contests.

So, kneel, or just relax a bit, Jeri Smith Ready, and arise with your new title:

Congratulations and good job on the contest! 

Don’t forget (HA! I KILL ME!) - tonight at midnight PST is the deadline for voting in the, um, whatddaycallit… oh yeah. The Smart Bitch Publishing WHA? Query Letter Contest!

We have a bootyload of votes, and I’ll give you a hint - two of the entries are neck and neck. So vote early, vote often, and vote now! Email AND your vote before midnight tonight. The winner and prizes will be announced tomorrow.