Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Entry #1

I’m a serious bitch with a jaded past.  Do I count sheep before I go to sleep?  Hell no, I count lovers.  A few days ago had an amnesia moment and forgot one man’s name, but could still see his face and hear his voice.  Bingo, his name’s Dennis.  Now there’s just one man on my mind who writes me toe curling e-mail I won’t share with anybody but my sister.

Characters:  A to Z?
Theme:  Men
Conflict:  Getting to my soul mate by April Fool’s day.

Entry #2

This query is for my novel - Forgetting Frank.  I suspect the word count will run to at least 200K as I am a fabulous writer with a lot to say.

Lulabelle Andrinosolous is busty brunette with a talent for blowjobs and making chocolate cake.  Her boyfriend Frank Smith is fast with his fingers, and rakes in the cash at the local casino.  When Lulabelle trips over Frank’s bowling ball, she hits her head on a convenient marble table - forgetting the combination to the safe where Frank’s winnings are.  Not only that but Lulabelle has forgotten she’s a vampire, and runs into trouble when she bites the UPS man.

Frank must get Lulabelle to remember the combination to the safe in the next forty-eight hours so he can use the cash to pay off a gambling debt, or the local mob boss will cut off his fast fingers and feed them to the fishes. This is an offer he cannot refuse.

Things are complicated further when Lulabelle’s secret love child, Bob, arrives to confront his mother about his abandonment – only to find that she has no idea she even had a secret love child.  Bob is furious and curses his mother to never regain her memory.

Poor old Frank must race against the ticking clock to break the curse, remind Lulabelle who she is, which involves a lot of blow jobs so she remembers how good she is, figure out the combination of the safe, pay off the mob boss, and remember to call his mother on her birthday.

The theme is obviously a very powerful picture of how money saves lives, and forgetfulness will remind you of who you really are.  Written in the Point of View of Frank’s bowling ball, I think you’ll find the story powerful and engaging and urge you to request a full.

Entry #3

Author: Marcia (blog)
Proposed Title: The Vampire’s Secret Baby
Proposed Length: 50,000-75,000 words

Summary:

The Patient

She woke up in a hospital. She didn’t know her name. She didn’t know who she was or where she came from. All she knew that she was hungry. And kind of fat. And she craved something liquid and salty…

The Doctor

Dr. Trevor Hapgood fell in love with the beautiful raven-haired amnesia patient as soon as he saw her. As he worked with her to restore her memory, he became increasingly aware that she was returning his looks of passion, and soon they were locked in a feverish embrace. All was bliss until she bit him. Because she was carrying…

The Vampire’s Secret Baby

They were two unlikely lovers, brought together by crazy circumstance. What would happen when the patient regained her memory? Would she totally succumb to the dark forces growing inside of her? When the vampire who impregnated her infiltrated the hospital, a fatal showdown took place, and just as the patient remembered her name--- Alicia Wentworth-Biggs--- and her true identity, she would be forced to choose between the evil (but sexy) creature of the night who fathered her fetus and the charming, innocent doctor who loved her. Who would she choose? And what about her baby? Would it become a monster? Would she have to give the vampire partial custody? In the end, only Alicia could decide, with a little help from Trevor…

This book, filled with chills, thrills, tears, and the occasional laugh will astound readers with its daring new vision. Never before have paranormal romance, medical romance, and secret baby romance met in such an Earth-shaking way!

Entry #4

The “Who the Hell are those Triplets?” series presents:

Blank on the Bayou

Length:  50,000 Folksy, Simple Words

They say, “Forgive and Forget”...but did they mean everything?

She doesn’t know where to turn.  Or who to trust.  In fact, she doesn’t know anything at all.  Jade (...or is that really her name?) is in fear for her life.  She’s been told she was in an accident that made her lose her memory--but can she believe Clint, the tortured ER doctor with the piercing blue eyes?  Or was she born without a memory, a severe case of XWHY Chromosome disease, as the sexy redheaded neurologist Layla is suggesting? And if Jade was in an accident, why does no part of her body hurt--except her heart?

Now a lanky Texan cowboy appears by Jade’s bedside at Louisiana General Hospital (at least, she thinks it’s Louisiana General Hospital) with baby triplets in his arms, claiming they’re hers.  But are they?  Or could the triplets really belong to her half-sister, Prissie…who may not be her half-sister at all?

Only Emeril, the tall Cajun PI her father has hired (…or is that man really her father?) can help Jade find the answers.  When her father asks her to honor the promise he made to her dead mother by eating dirt while engaging in sexual acts with four different men simultaneously, Jade is torn between family loyalty and her attraction to Emeril, the cowboy, the doctor, and the redheaded neurologist--none of whom are the four men her father has designated to help her fulfill the old vow.

Jade snaps.  She flees from Louisiana General in nothing but a scanty lace hospital gown that doesn’t quite tie together properly in the back.  Emeril shoves her in his pickup truck under some tools and fodder bags, and they hit the road while he curses in sexy bad French.  But the cowboy and his triplets are hot on their heels, and so are Jade’s father and the four men he’s picked.

Emeril takes Jade to his wizened grandmother’s shack on a dark bayou, hoping voodoo might bring back Jade’s memory. His grandmother’s powers find the truth: Jade’s past hides a terrible wrong she must forgive.

But at that moment, her pursuers corner them in the swampy alligator-infested shack.

Jade’s downer past and her perky future are suddenly revealed in a raging climax of gunfire, bluesy Cajun rhythms, diapers, and sensuous bayou dirt.

Entry #5

Proposed Title: Song of the NyQuale

Summary: Natalie Conner has always prided herself in being a strong, independent woman who would never go through with marriage. However, her career as a magazine writer is turning stagnant and if she doesn’t turn out something new, she’ll be fired. When Natalie finds out that Brent Cocham, the son of an insanely wealthy hotel and resort mogul is throwing an engagement party at her favorite bar, The Chilly Tumbler, Natalie decides to crash the ceremony for a chance at interviewing Brent. She disguises herself (since reporters and papparazzi are not allowed at the engagement party) as “Sherri Amour”, a hanger-on of the Cocham family. At the party, Natalie (as Sherri) becomes the object of desire to a ditzy bartender with a killer bod. He serves her his specialty drink, NyQuales (cocktails made of NyQuil, vodka, Five Alive citrus punch, and ginger ale), which make Sherri Amour loopier than Anna Nicole at the American Music Awards. The rest of the night becomes a blur.

Natalie/“Sherri” wakes up the next day, slightly hung over, in an apartment that’s not her own, and unable to figure out who she is, where she is, and how she got there. In bed next to Natalie/“Sherri” is none other than Brent himself, who wants “Sherri” as his “secret girlfriend”. “Sherri” doesn’t know, since she doesn’t know who she is or how she ended up in bed with Brent, but after Brent gives her his Oreo treatment (i.e., spreads her legs open and licks her “creamy center”), “Sherri” decides that being the mistress to someone who can please a woman that way. Meanwhile, Jodi Jegglers, Brent’s fiancée, is freaking out over how ill-prepared the wedding is so far. What’s worse is that Brent hasn’t spoken to her since the engagement party. When Jodi drives up to Brent’s apartment, “Sherri” makes the mistake of answering the door. Jodi breaks off the engagement (and the pending wedding) with Brent after slugging “Sherri” in the face. “Sherri” comes out of her amnesia and finds Brent crying over her. Now “Sherri” has to choose whether she should be a proud, independent woman or arm candy to one of the richest men in the world.

Entry #6

Daphne Dranklushy-Merlot is fleeing from her dastardly uncle, Lord Erasmus Flaggellickly, when her coach-and-four overturns in a torrential downpour, plunging her and her heaving bosom into Cracklebrains Fjord. The water is rising in the wreckage, but Daphne is blissfully unaware, having been knocked unconscious in the accident. The screaming horses draw the attention of the Baron Buttswilder, who comes to Daphne’s rescue.

Daphne regains consciousness at the Baron’s posh estate, but has left her memory on the banks of the fjord – they don’t call it Cracklebrains for nothing, you know. Bereft of even the slightest inkling of who she is and with her wits not altogether unscrambled (causing some confusion in her conversation), Daphne must fight to reclaim her memory and her identity.

The wickedly handsome, dim-witted Baron has a quandary of his own: does he search for the identity of the buxom siren he pulled from a certain death or does he simply claim the sensuous beauty for his own, more earthly desires? The blonde Baron is not even sure what a quandary is, but whatever it is, he’s got it bad.

Meanwhile, Lord Flaggellickly is advancing his evil plan to make his niece’s money his own. He bribes a mute, baseborn housemaid to pose as the missing heiress, planning to wed her to his deplorable son, Sir Chancey-Bon-Dancey of WhackyBoombaLackey.

Here is a sampling of Daphne’s dilemma (page 89):

“What we have here, Girl, is a failure to communicate. Now, strip off those rags and let me see your body. I’ve plans for it, and they don’t include clothing...or chicken feathers.”

Entry #7

Please consider my contemporary sports-related inspirational romantic suspense thriller, FROZEN IN TIME, for publication in your new Why Hero(in)es with Amnesia (WHA?) line.

During the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, the family of perky Mormon Sariah Smith hosts the equally vivacious Swedish athlete Garth Hunfridssonssonsson, the “Pride of Páarp.” A romance blooms between Sariah and Garth, fueled by the excitement of the Games and their shared love of reindeer sweaters. Sadly, Garth loses his memory in a freak curling accident. He forgets both his love for Sariah and his talent for the sport. Garth returns home to pursue his brand-new dream of leading the Swedish beach volleyball team.

Unable to get the Scandinavian scamp out of her mind, Sariah travels to Rio de Janeiro to watch Garth compete in the World Beach Volleyball Championship. A life in curling has left him ill-prepared for long hours in the sun, and he lands in the hospital with heatstroke.

Luckily, Sariah is fluent in Portuguese due to her mission work in Mozambique, and she translates for Garth in time to avoid an accidental prostatectomy. Though Garth’s amnesia and failure on the volleyball court have turned him into a sullen, arrogant cad, in his radiant blue eyes Sariah sees a spark of the innocent imp she once knew.

When Garth recovers, he and Sariah hit the trendiest Rio dance clubs, where he spurns her for a bevy of Brazilian beauties. Hurt, she indulges in her first Coca-Cola, and the caffeine surge dissolves her inhibitions. Her super-freak dance moves--combined with her knee-length skirt and long-sleeved polo shirt--make her the hottest new thing in Rio. Even as she basks in the attention, Sariah pines for the simple joys she and Garth once shared—root beer floats, long walks in the snow, and indoor turtle racing.

Right-wing Marxist guerillas (trust me on this) kidnap Sariah to raise ransom money for their Amazonian free-market commune. Rather than fear for her life, she welcomes the opportunity to minister to the poor and convert the unenlightened.

Will Garth remember himself in time to save Sariah--armed with only a small horsehair broom--before she falls for her suave yet sensitive captor Eduardo, in a tragic and ironic case of Stockholm Syndrome? Or will their love remain forever…FROZEN IN TIME?

Entry #8

A Wedding to Remember

Louise is going crazy getting ready for her upcoming wedding. Her mother, Harriet, a fretful status seeker, has invited hundreds of people, and Louise is dealing with a huge list of wedding chores. Meanwhile, Michael, Louise’s high-flying financier of a fiancée, is no help at all. In fact, he seems to be worrying about something. Louise is starting to wonder if she made a mistake in agreeing to marry him.

Two weeks before the wedding, Louise’s best friend Suzie throws her a shower. As Louise opens presents, Suzie’s sister, Clarice, gathers all the bows and ribbons to adorn a paper plate, which the bride will pose in at the end of the shower. Louise gets up to admire the final, and biggest, gift: a floor lamp crafted out of an tuba by Suzie’s brother James, an artist who secretly has loved Louise since they were toddlers. As Louise reaches for the bow, she brings the top-heavy torchiere down on her head.

By the time the guests get the lamp off Louise, she has regained consciousness and seems fine. Her mother urges Louise to pull herself together quickly so that the shower can go on. The young woman has no idea who she is or what she’s doing, but realizes it’s easiest just to smile and nod to appease the woman who is being so insistent. Then Louise sees the hat of ribbons and bows being brought her way and realizes that she is a bride-to-be.

Louise’s wedding preparations are considerably complicated by her amnesia, although her mother’s whining about the to-do list often provides her with useful information. Every time she’s alone with Michael and tries to explain to him that she has lost her memory, he brushes her off, saying he’s got problems of his own at work. James, contrite about the accident, is being a big help, and Louise finds herself relying on him more and more.

By the night of the rehearsal, Louise has yet to tell anyone about her amnesia and is considering calling off the wedding. Then Michael fails to show up, having eloped with Clarice, Suzie’s sister. The SEC is charging Michael with stock manipulation and he has married Clarice, his executive assistant, to prevent her from testifying against him. When James hears the news, he proposes. Louise, still painfully aware that she emembers nothing of the first 25 years of her life, tells James that she can’t marry him. As she struggles to escape his loving arms, she stumbles, falls, and again is knocked unconscious. When Louise awakes, her memory has returned, along with the knowledge that it’s James whom she has always loved.

Entry #1

Inspirational Spam Phrase: My Savage Mountaineer

When proud, abstinent “No, No” Nanette Breed finds herself stranded high in the Swiss Alps, she has no one to turn to but the man who once took her dewdrop and broke her heart.  Though Nanette claims to hate Glen McIntyre for his past betrayal, she can’t resist the sexy, lederhosen-clad charter worker from the wrong side of the tracks who once made her body cry out in savage ecstasy.

Now a rich pancake mogul, Glen is ready to claim the only woman he’s ever truly wanted.  The years haven’t damped the heat between them.  Soon, Glen is sexing Nanette’s slippery slopes and exploring her “oubliette” - but can he slalom his way into her heart?

For Nanette, love is a black diamond run, fraught with peril.  She’s on a downhill course, and there isn’t a friendly St. Bernard in sight!  Will Glen and Nanette’s love soar like the proud condor above the jagged peaks and valleys of their shattered past, or will it crash off course like Sonny Bono on a weekend trip to Reno?

For love, “No, No” Nanette must learn if she is woman enough to tame the Savage Mountaineer.

Entry #2

Inspirational Spam Phrase: All of them

“Savage Abstinence”

On the rich pancake world of Slotoole, Glenn Mcintyre, the Pilates instructor and mountain climber, knew that Brad Pitt could always smell some telepathic pouch.  Sofia, in her skulking hedonism, envied Nanette Breed’s shining daemon dewdrop of love. They met in the morgue’s oubilette, into which each had fallen trying to escape codling and crucifixion at the hands of the Bi Murphy.  Would Glen heed his heart’s calling to “Go, buy!, you charter worker”?  Would Sofia succumb to Glen’s sewage thinking and get laid tonight by that intrepid mountaineer?  Or would they both meet the ultimate fate and be damned for their savage abstinence?

Entry #3

Inspirational Spam Phrase: savage be abstinent on damnation

A THIRD OPTION

Damien has a troubling secret: He’s the son of Beelzebub, and an obscure text known as Satan’s Bible foretells that his child will be the antichrist. Determined to alter his fate he denies his heterosexual desires and flees to the decadent Castro district of San Francisco. If he’s not
strong enough to remain abstinent, at least he can slake his savage lust in a way that won’t risk impregnating anyone.

Bennie, king of the bathhouse blowjob, isn’t what he appears to be. At one time he was Bernice. He never lets it go beyond blowjobs, though. He can’t. Tranny love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But he’s never had to stand up to the determined seduction of a man like Damien.

Will the carnal desires of these two lead to the eternal damnation of us all? Or can they find a third option?

Entry #4

Inspirational Spam Phrase: Brad Pitt Has One

Jeopardy and the Jolie Pitt

“This book is like Viagra - I stayed up all night.  Rage Ng Hardon is going places!”
--- USA Today

F.B.I. agent Tom Bishop has heard the rumors of how he killed his partner and concealed the crime.  The problem is that he can’t remember anything about the bust that went bad.  Doctors are puzzled by Tom’s memory loss, while Tom battles strange side-effects - he’s developed a deep telepathic connection with Brad Pitt.  Unable to return to work, Tom begins his recovery at home where his wife and children are thrilled to have him but his superiors are anxious to know the truth about that fateful night.

Plagued by nightmares that plunge him into the life of Brad Pitt, Tom finds himself on the run from the F.B.I. and from his family as he struggles to maintain the balance between fiction and fantasy.  Soon he’s living the high life in Los Angeles even as he searches the seedy underbelly of the city for answers that will help him regain his old life.  His clues are hidden deep within the scripts of Pitt’s movies and Tom must give himself up to the telepathic connection in order to solve the riddles.

In this web of loyalty and betrayal, of reality and lies, Tom must fight for his sanity before he can begin to fight for his life.

Entry #5

Inspirational Spam Phrase: Smell some telepathic pouch, be talk of shining daemon, bi murphy crucifixion, Glen Mcintyre pilate, Get Slotoole on skulk, morgue oubilette, thinking is sewage, savage be abstinent on damnation

Sweet Savage Abstinence

Lady Morgue-Rose Kensington thought her life was over when the queen had her tossed into the oubliette.  She had expected the bosom-high fetid water, the death stench, but she never expected to find true love.  Only the most dastardly of criminals ended life in this stink hole of death and Shining Daemon Roo, the nightmare inspiring scourge of the high seas, was the worst.  But from the moment he caught her in his sewage-slick, heavily muscled arms she knew she was destined to love him despite his devil’s ability to read minds and his unnerving marsupial mutation.

But their obstacle-ridden romance seemed doomed from the first.  They were never alone.  Sir Glen Mcintyre Pilate, a man whose strange exercise routine had him sentenced to death for magical tampering has terrifying plans in store for them.  And Roo worries for Slotoole Murphy, his second in command.  As the water rises and sharp objects are thrown in from above, more than once he awakens to find Murphy has nailed himself to the walls.

Can the would be lovers find their way out of the oubliette?  Will Lady Morgue ever get used to Daemon Roo’s tendency to tuck her in and skulk?  And last but not least, will they ever get a chance to end their sweet, savage abstinence?

Entry #6

Inspirational Spam Phrase: Sofia in Hedonism

Lady Sofia du’Pastelpanties is in a bind--her guardian is determined to marry her for her tricked-out stud farm, but Sofia wants the pleasure of dominating all those Arabian studs for herself!

Lord Colt Fairfax comes to visit the corral, only to be made a desperate propostition by the unbridled Sofia: marry her for the studs, but give her the reins!

Will Colt’s hedonism force him to look this gift horse in the mouth?

Entry #7

Inspirational Spam Phrase: in fall hes codling

“Not since Sofia in Hedonism has an author captured such an erotic and evocative story of two people meant to be together” – American TreuLurve & Morality-Minders Association

DEEPER THAN THE OCEAN

From the first moment she saw him, she smelled the ocean, and felt the waves crashing relentlessly against the shore of her resistance…

The pisciphile…

Scylla Von Pisces was a brilliant and determined woman in her prime, determined to use her dual passions for mythology and marine biology to become the world’s first Preternatural Ichthyologist.  Just as she seems to be making headway into her dreams, she is kidnapped by the mysterious Baron Milt Gadus-morhua, a man who by turns infuriates her and inflames her unfulfilled passions.

And the werecod

Resigned to a life of poikilothermic political intrigue, Milt despaired of ever finding a someone who could be both his spawning partner and wife.  When he hears that his people are threatened by some headstrong academic bent on exposure, Milt decides he must kidnap the dangerous adversary and eliminate the threat – but he never expected the enemy to be a woman of passion, fire, and fishy desire.

But the spawning of their love is threatened when a global thermonuclear crisis jeopardizes the delicate ecology of the oceans they both love… and the rampant passion they each fight flares between them hotter than ground zero.

“Brilliant!  A feisty and original romance, a stimulating first time from a novice…” – Ivana Salmon, author of Hunting and Fishing for a Hot Time

Entry #8

Inspirational Spam Phrase: get laid tonight mountaineer

Life on Laidback Mountain

Lincoln MacHoman, owner and wilderness tour leader of the Lodge at Bare Crack Woods on Laidback Mountain, BFE, was a loner, a man of much money but few words.  A lifetime ago, Linc had been a real estate mogul; during the real estate bust, he’d been burned by a gold-digging woman who’d lost interest in him when his net worth plummeted.  He’d regained his fortune, but not his trust in women.  Especially the kind of women who trailed out to the Lodge to looking for a cushy ride, now that he was solvent again. He took what they gave so “freely” and gave nothing in return.

Blaze Nieves was a emotionally scarred woman who felt as ugly as her past.  Born to the town pump, the women in town reviled her and the men assumed she was as easy as her mother.  She’d spent years trying to avoid being noticed, a hard task since she had inherited her mother’s lush beauty.  All she wanted was to live in peace and quiet.  After her mother’s scandalous death, her life in her mother’s shadow had finally ended.  On her way to a new life on the coast, she broke down on Laidback Mountain. 

When their eyes met that night, over the hood of Blaze’s dusty ‘95 Hyundai, their lives changed forever.  Their passion was hot enough to melt the snow off of Laidback Mountain.  But can the lusty mountaineer and the shy spinster find happiness together?  Only the mountain knows.

Entry #9

Inspirational Spam Phrase: “Smell some telepathic pouch”

He followed his nose…

Blind, deaf desertrider Droke knows that only one woman can save his people from the curse of the deadly Withering. Wielding a mighty sword, he will seek her using his crack smelling skills alone. But when the trail leads him to the home of his deadliest enemy, Droke is torn between ancient belief and the passion of the woman whose power he stirs from the very deep…

But can she follow her heart?

Princess Lyth-Shenna has been raised a virgin priestess devoted to the Goddess. But a night of passionate love with the strange barbarian from the west awakens visions of desire unlike any she has known before. Cast off from her tribe, can the fiery redhead learn to control the magic that emanates from her very woman’s cove… and the desire she feels for the mysterious man who scented out her destiny?

Entry #10

Inspirational Spam Phrase: savage be abstinent on damnation, be talk of shining daemon

And, says the author, just for fun I also threw in a spam subject line from my own inbox - “venial sylph”.

“Sweet Shining Daemon”

Ravishingly beautiful Virginia Vickers, the innocent daughter of Vicar Victor Vickers, was untouched until the night she walked into a moonlit glade and lost her heart to a man like none she’d ever seen before.

His name was Damon.  Half-human, half-daemon, he had the face of an angel and a body made for sin.  He fit into neither the world of men, nor of daemons, and he thought he would never know love until he looked into Virginia’s shining eyes and knew she could be his salvation.

They shared one passionate kiss, and as Virginia felt their hearts beat as one, she was ready to sacrifice her innocence upon the altar of his mighty thews.  Then suddenly he disappeared from her arms, sucked into the depths of hell, where only the magic of Virginia’s virginity can save him from his daemon father’s curse.

Will he fall under the spell of a venial sylph in the pits of hell, betraying Virginia and utterly destroying their chance for happiness?  Or will her savage be abstinent on damnation, allowing Virginia to raise him to rapturous heights and forever make him her Sweet Shining Daemon?

Entry #11

Look Rich Pancake Ecstasy

Gentle Southern heiress Suzette-Nanette Worth could scarcely believe her amethyst eyes. The raven-haired beauty sought to escape the unnatural advances of her uncle, Gettysburg Slotoole and seek refuge as a nurse in the Rebel army… only to fall into the hands of a Yankee spy! She vowed never to betray her homeland and childhood sweetheart, but the sensual agent’s masterful embraces drove her wild with desire even as her resistance melted in the white-hot heat of his velvet passion!

Passionate Dewdrop on Nanette Breed

Embittered by torture at the hands of a sadistic Confederate general, US Government Agent Glenfiddich McIntyre lived for revenge. When he discovered the his hated enemy’s niece stowed away on a fishing vessel, he vowed to make her his mistress and force her to reveal the whereabouts of Slotoole’s ill-gotten gains. His despicable foe had stolen Glen’s inheritance, including his mother’s treasured dewdrop diadem. The swarthy privateer would not rest until he had destroyed his adversary - no feisty Southern vixen would dissuade him from his plans!

In fall he’s codling rapture

Glen refused to be beguiled by Nanette’s perfumed tresses and captivating innocence. But her fiery nature roused his deepest passions even as her gentle sweetness soothed his aching heart. Pledged to another, she fled the silken chains of his passionate captivity. He vowed find her and bind her to him forever, but could his savage love be abstinent on damnation until they finally reached…

*fanfare*

Ecstasy’s Crystal Paradise

Entry #12

Inspirational Spam Phrase: sofia in hedonism

First there was Sofia in Idealism, then Sofia in Communism, and now Merry Boinkin brings you the final chapter of the Sofia trilogy: Sofia in Hedonism. 

Fed up with Karl Marx’s unfeeling reaction to her needs, Sofia uses her newly discovered psychic powers to travel back in time.  While intending to set into motion a plan to keep Karl from embracing his anti-capitalist beliefs, Sofia finds instead Donatien, the Marquis de Sade, a man who listens to her deepest desires. 

Imprisoned together in the dungeon of Vincennes for his beliefs and her belief in him, Sofia is suddenly torn between Donatien and the Comte de Mirabeau, his bitter rival.  Will Donatien be the man to awaken her passion that dare not be named, or will Mirabeau unlock her heart.

Set against the backdrop of the beginning of the French Revolution, Coming and Going Weekly, calls Sofia in Hedonism a “lavish splash of eroticism in a historical context.  Sofia embodies the desires in all of us, bound by societal mores, moaning to be free.”

Whips and Chains gives it a cat-o’-nine tails (excellent) rating, “Not to be missed,” while Playboy says, “[I’ll] play Donatien to some woman’s Sofia any day.”

Entry #13

My life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. A cross-dressing secretary, neighbors who look like they stepped off the covers of some e-pub’s worst sims day ever, and a mute, Mr. Miyagi-looking garbageman. I can deal with it, mostly.

I’d been receiving prank calls with astonishing regularity as of late, including the garden variety of heavy breathing, assorted vulgarisms, and impossible suggestions. I’ve heard it all: “dewdrop on nanette breed”, “bi murphy crucifixion”, and the ever-popular “get laid tonight, mountaineer”.

But today’s call became something else, entirely.

The Ominous Accented Voice said, “A leeetle baby weenie. An incredibly small phallus. No prick to speak of. Brad Pitt always had a tiny one.” The call ended with an evil laugh, but I was too pissed to be afraid.

Bastard.

Some things are simply sacred. Sacrosanct. Holy. Inviolate. Brad’s peter is one of these things.

Mr. Mystery DID NOT just bring my loverboy into this. Someone is trying to tell me that my illicit dreams of nookie with Mr. Smith are as a puff of smoke, that my imaginings of just what the lovelylicious Bradders has stuffed in his Jockeys are but a fancy of my overly fertile imagination.

This is just wrong on SO many levels. And for this insult, someone shall surely die.

I’m dubbing this “The Case of the Mis-measured Schlong”. Join me as we delve deep into secrets, insecurities and jealousies.

The Voice will rue the day he messed with me and Brad.

~ Tits McFlashem, Private Investigator