Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Some people contend that the premises for most great speculative fiction can be summarized in one sentence. We here at Smart Bitches like to go a bit further than that: we maintain that the premises and plot points for the best (and worst) romance novels can be summarized in four words. Feel free to play along at home and try to guess the the novels we’re talking about, and provide a four-word précis for your own favorites in the comments.

Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates.

Unwilling wife? Use cream!

Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!

Chicken Marsala, great shoes.

Victorian miss loves ninja.

Not retarded; just deaf.

Not retarded; stroke victim.

Hedgehog saves the day.

Soon she’ll settle in.

Rape rape rape. Virgin!

Not really a whore.

Preserve virginity with

The widow’s a VIRGIN!

Scarface finds true love.

Who is the daddy?

Evil twin = true love. (OK, so this one is sort of cheating a little with the word requirement.)

Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates.

Conscientious objector is virgin.

Her mom: Hester Stanhope.

No memory? No problem!

Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue.

Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.)

Her trauma? Scarred legs.

No condom means love.

He was a hooker.

Unbalanced highwayman in love.

She fucks fey folk.

She fucks moving things.

Today’s Questionable Content made me laugh so hard, I’m pretty sure I herniated something--but then, I’m a sucker for stupid quips involving Schrödinger’s cat.

(Any of you who want to write a romance novel with a geek hero and need research on how nerds think and operate, but don’t happen to have live specimens handy, you could do worse than check out the archives of Questionable Content. Also, XKCD.)

Some title ideas for nerd porn erotic romance:

Physics
The G-String Theory
The Rake’s Superpositioned Eigenstates
Entangled Beast
Collapsing the Virgin Mistress’ Wavefunction
His Supercollider

Biology
Unnatural Selection
Descending His Manhood

Chemistry
His Latent Heat

Mathematics
Populating Her Null Set

General Scientific Principles
Shaving with Occam’s Razor
Karl’s Popper

Damn, I can’t believe I’m not coming up with more for chemistry and biology. Updates as they’re warranted, and post your best (for certain values of “best,” anyway) efforts in the comments.

Bitchery reader Renee sent me a PDF that rocked my world:

CheapAss Toys Inc.’s Poseable Hasselhoff.

Wow.

Both Renee and I are totally enamored of the “removable chest hair carpet.”

Bitchery Reader Josefina took a long walk in San Juan, and came across some fine specimens of international man-titty in the health supplement store, plus a special extra “WTF” picture as a bonus.

Ah, yes. “Arabian Formula.” It gives you more energy, more potency, and really tight jeans, a turban, and a half naked woman grasping your kneecap.

It’s like a jihad… IN YOUR PANTS!

If you’ve got giant quadriceps, a bikini-clad chipmunk-woman with a tail, and the continuing bother of being chased through the surf by tigers, you need “Energizer Extract.” And also a movie deal.

Note: it’s for adults AND childrens! And it’s manufactured by “Alopecil Corporation.” That’s alarmingly close to “alopecia.” Let’s hope there’s no relation.

This is Josefina. And if your Spanish isn’t as facile as hers, she’s here to tell you that this book? The one she’s holding?

Messages from Princess Diana from the Fourth Dimension. Apparently, judging from the cover art, Princess Diana is communicating with Arianna Huffington. No wonder Josefina looks confused! 

When I first read Janet Mullany’s top 10 lists from the back of her book The Rules of Gentility, I laughed out my nose in an indelicate fashion.

Then Bitchery reader Melissa sent me a link to an LJ that had reprinted the set of top 10 lists in their entirety. I emailed Janet Mullany and asked her permission, and she says that if Avon comes after me for reprinting them here, I should...well, never mind what she said I should do. Either way, the lists are funny enough that they hurt me to read them.