Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

It’s a busy morning in Smart Bitch HQ, where I’m hard at work wrestling new software and correcting graphics - something cool is coming, I promise. At least I think it’s cool, anyway. Maybe you will, too.

Anyway, I’m under my desk cursing at the wiring and trying valiantly to pretend like Photoshop and I are good buddies, but I have a couple of questions:

I don’t have any premium channels, but I am dying (ha!) to know what y’all thought of HBO’s True Blood. I’m going to try to watch it online (thank you HBO) later, but I’m so curious what y’all thought.

Also, Anna Paquin does not look like herself - holy cow.

Tiny bit o’ humor: I really love this anonymous mother’s chat board online that sounds really dorky but honestly it’s a great place for fast info and absolutely the bitchiest behavior ever. It’s based in New York but there are moms from all over on it. It’s totally anonymous, very fast, and hilarious. Last night, they were discussing Twilight, and I swear, at least six women said, “I want my own Edward.”

All I could think was, even with the popsicle wang? Really?! 

Lots of links to start your weekend off with massive browsing. What you wanted to get something accomplished this afternoon? PAH! Suffer with me.

Kate Douglas has a question for you: is man flank deserving of the whiteout? Not for one second do I believe the man pictured on that cover has a tush that flat, but still, man flank is problematic?

Mimi Gets a Contract made me snort so hard I nearly aspirated a Splenda packet from across the room. Thanks to Angie for the link.

I just laughed myself into tears reading this article about the Diagram Prize, which is a hunt for the most bizarre book title. The Greek Billionaire’s Virgin Love Child’s Boardroom Mistress has NOTHING on these books. Don’t miss the slide show of covers. Thanks to Svenja for the link.

Thanks to the many, many people who sent me this link: using the frozen sperm of two Black Footed Ferrets which had died years ago, the Smithsonian National Zoo successfully bred two kits (those would be wee adorable baby ferrets), born in June. The sperm was frozen back in 97 and 98, and ten years later, those two ferrets are proud papas from beyond the grave. Mazel tov to the successful breeding crew, and to the new mommies. And mad props to Moth who sent me a link to the article with the subject line, ‘The Virgin Black-Footed Ferret’s Secret Baby.’

And if you’re feeling the need to gaze at the sleeping cuteness that is the Black Footed Ferret (official ferret of Smart Bitches), there’s always the immensely addictive ferret cam.

See, I am all about wasting valuable hours of your time today! We’re having a bit of a hurricane today in the northeast, so we’re all inside on the internet. Ok, *I’m* inside on the internet, but hey, join me in endless surfing!

From yesterday’s Publisher’s Lunch:

Creator and executive producer of the CSI television franchise Anthony Zuiker’s series of three suspense-thriller “digital novels” (every five chapters readers are given website codes to access two-minute films that bridge to the next five chapters) beginning with SQWEEGEL, about an former FBI forensic investigator who retired after his whole family was murdered but continues to work a variety of grim cases, to Brian Tart at Dutton, at auction, for publication beginning in fall 2009, by Dan Strone at Trident Media Group (world).

Variety says “Zuiker will write a 60-page outline for each book, then supervise a novelist who’ll turn it into a 100-chapter book. Zuiker will write and direct 20 “cyber-bridges,” the two-minute video segments that supplement the pages.”

Aside from the whole “supervise the novelist” thing that makes me think of James Patterson and not in a good way, is anyone else kind of befuddled by this announcement? Cyber bridge videos between chapters that mix vieweing and reading? What the huh now? Generally speaking, I read on the bus, and on the treadmill (thank you Kindle and your absolutely gi-hummuna-normous text size - all the better to bounce you with, my dear) and am nowhere near a video-enabled computer, much less with the patience to wait for my iPhone to load the video. I can’t say I’d be all excited for a book that ties me to a computer to view the video bridge - half the time reading is a break from the computer, not that I can stay away long, oh Internet, how I love thee. Seems overly complicated, but then, I’m often mystified by Facebook.

Does anyone else think this is a rather bizarre concept, or is this the Future of Reading, with YouTube on Your Kindle?

Thank you to the many people who forwarded me this article: The Jewel of Medina has a new publisher, according to the AP, the NY Times, and the Guardian. Independent British publishing house Gibson Square will publish the book in October in English.

Gibson Square, according to their website, “specialises in books that are able to contribute to a current debate. Each title is supported by a vigorous marketing campaign to provide a broad platform for the book and its ideas in the booktrade.”

I’m still trying to battle my way through my copy of the ARC. To be honest, it’s not easy reading, as the narrative seems to hover on the edge of impending disaster in the form of impetuous decision making by a heroine who longs to be a warrior while simultaneously pining for a man, who is not Mohammed, to come and rescue her from her impending marriage.

Mohammed, however, is a marvelous, marvelous figure in this book. I haven’t made up my mind on the portrayal of Aisha, but in the first fifth of the book, Mohammed, he rules. 

Calling all erotica authors - sorry - writers of smut. There’s a new publisher afoot.

Paper Bag Press has just founded itself with a four page website seeking submissions. The money quote:

We are seeking new or established authors for exclusive publication. We want writers who can craft a short story with a strong plot that revolves around sexual experience. The stories are not necessarily romantic — the sex is the focus. If the characters are in luuurv, that’s fine, as long as the sex is hot.

There are three length categories we are seeking:

* Weekenders — 10,000-15,000 words
* One-nighters — 4,000-8,500 words
* One-handers — 1,000-3,500 words

Wow. Use of “one handers” inspires me. Not to mention the “luuurv.” As Longmire knows, it’s all about the luuurv.

Then there’s this part:

Other than that, we are an equal opportunity smut peddler. We know that you are taking a chance on us since we are new. Because of this, we are offering a 5% royalty bonus for the first 25 stories that are accepted for publication. This offer will extend through September 30, 2008, or until we get our first 25 accepted stories.

5% royalty bonus on top of what? Am I the only one who looks at a site like this and thinks, “That’s it? You want to do business and you have a four page site with about zero business content? WHY should I do business with you?”

Between the one-handers and the smut peddling, were I a writer of erotica, this would not be my bag.

Thanks to Esri Rose for the link.