Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Shanna writes:

I have been looking for a book for a year now, a historical romance I read back in the 90’s.

The book started out with a scene of a very young girl looking for her kitten in the hull of (her father’s?) ship, knowing she was told not to go down there.  She ends up being raped by two crew members.
Then it flashes forward years later, she is the captain of a ship.
Now, she either robbed one of the hero’s ships, or the king/queen sent him to find her, can’t quite remember but then the story follows that he is looking for her “Phantom Ship”, unaware that she is in fact a woman- though I don’t thinks she is disguised.
I know at one point he boards her ship with permission, he wants information from her.

If you can remember this book, I will spread my praises for you far and wide! lol

Thank you for your time!

Shanna (yes, named after that damned book! lol)

I’m not sure if I could read this one, but if her ship is the Black Pearl, I am cheering this heroine on. And I’m cheering on Shanna, who was named after another book I can’t read.

Jess writes:

This book is a little older, probably 10-15 years, as I remember reading it in high school. It was your garden variety Victorian (or possibly Regency) romance: well-bred miss marries redeemable rake. It may even have been a marriage of convenience struck between the two, but none of that matters. The only pertinent detail I remember is the hero’s business ambitions. A Birds of Paradise brothel (yay! theme whore houses!). Hubby’s plans are not without some contention on the part of the heroine, but he goes ahead with them up to the very last minute. While auditioning the first chick, a canary doing a tap dance on his man-parts, he realizes that plumed hookers are not nearly as entertaining as one would originally assume. Unfortunately, as soon as he has the opening-a-whore-house-might-not-endear-me-to-my-wife and-please-get-your-foot-off-my-manhood epiphany, none other than well-bred miss walks in the door. And that’s it. All I remember.

I tried Googling Birds of Paradise brothel, but upon reflection, it was probably not the best search phrase. So I know it’s only one scene, but you have to admit, it’s kind of unique and I’m hoping it stuck in someone’s memory better than mine. Help! Please!

Anyone else find this one absolutely hilarious? “Google the Birds of Paradise Brothel?” Best. Euphemism. Ever. 

We interrupt this Day of HaBO-lation to ... give away some books! Jill Sorenson is giving away five ARCs of her her debut single-title romance Crash Into Me, due out in January 2009. Crash Into Me is about a tough female FBI agent placed undercover to investigate a gorgeous-hot but reclusive pro surfer.

Want one? She’s looking for help among the brilliance of the Bitchery: her editor at Bantam is looking for sexy/provocative song lyrics or titles for the title of her next book. “Crash Into Me” is, obviously, the extremely sultry Dave Matthews Band song, so her editor wants to keep with that theme. Jill’s untitled book, to be released in fall 2009, features “a wildlife expert heroine and a reluctant sheriff hero, investigating a mountain lion mauling in the fictional desert town of Tenaja Falls, California.”

[Note: Wildlife expert heroine?! Wildlife expert?! Paging Paul Tolme! Paging Paul Tolme!]

Jill will pick the winners this time tomorrow, and winners will each receive a shiny, spiffy ARC of Crash Into Me. Winners are humbly asked to post a review or their thoughts of the book on their own blogs, or to post them as a comment to the winner’s announcement tomorrow.

Here are some awful suggestions that are easy to beat to get you started: The Lion Sleeps Tonight!. Dude Looks Like a Lion! And… wait for it… wait for it… Love Bites!

Truly, there aren’t enough 80’s Hair Band Power Ballads used as romance novel titles, and that’s a damn hairy shame.

You’re once, twice, three times a HaBO!

Deb writes:

Like most HABO requests, my description is very light on details.  It came out in the early 80s, I think.  It was a trade paperback and a historical.  The hero was some kind of Aztec, Mayan, or Incan royalty (yes I know there’s a difference, I just can’t remember which it was!) and the heroine was, of course, white and blonde.  At some point, the hero’s sister ended up enslaved as a maid to the heroine.  Later, the heroine discovered her maid’s true identity (royalty of some kind) and had the grace to be embarrassed about it.  After the whole ‘my maid is royalty and my boyfriend’s sister!’ reveal, all three of them leave for the ?jungle? to be with the Indian civilization.

Yeah, I know this is a huuuuuge longshot, but it’s been bugging me, and I figured there’s no harm in asking.  It was one of my very first ever romance novels, and I’d love to be able to find it again.  Thanks!

A HaBO a day keeps something away. Maybe eczema. But many a day? Make for a fun few hours. Enjoy and bask in the collective power of the Bitchery in knowing every romance ever published ever.

Jennifer writes:

I come to you and your loyal readers to help me locate a lost treasure I read when I was younger.

I had a Silhoutte Desire novel that was from either the late 80s or early 90s. The book cover had a blonde guy with curly hair and a brunette or dark haired chick on the cover.  The whole story was about this guy named Adam at least I think that was his name.  He was a carpenter and was working on this girls grandmother’s house.  The Grandmother decided to play matchmaker between her granddaughter and this guy.  They fight the attraction but yet seem to somehow fall in and love and have incredible sex.

I hope you and your smart bitches can help me out.