Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Second, another coronation! To Bronwwyn, who identified all three books in an HaBO trilogy, kneel, and welcome to the Peerage™:

And, prizes! For LOLCovers, which, should you need a reason to wet your pants, well, it seems the Bitchery is happy to provide. By collective voting on- and offline, the winner was Aubrey, for the entry that literally made me snort coffee up my nose. Aubrey, please so I can mail you your prize - the Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit.

There was a tie for second place, and the voting as a whole was so close that I also want to give mad props and big ups and random bits of shouting to Tinkerbon and Soni, whose entries were totally wheeze-worthy. I was long past laughter looking at these entries - I was well into “wheeze and gasp laughter” territory. Good for the abs, I hear.

Third place: to Jenifer, who took the worst of the worst and made them oh-so-awesome.

Shae’s In Ur Ass, Savin’ Ur Life

(Inspired by the Decadent review)
1 shot Jägermeister
1 shot Strawberry Pucker
1 shot Cherry Pucker
1 shot Watermelon Pucker
First, take a whiff of the delicious smell of the three pucker shots. Then, completely mess up your senses by drinking the Jager (definitely not what you were expecting, right?). Follow up the Jager with the three pucker shots. The yummy flavor will definitely be a life saver and the results of the drink will leave you as confused as the book.

Kathleen says: OMG.  Paula Abdul voice: You took a risk tonight, and that’s what I love about you.  You’re never afraid to try something new and different, and you could have failed greatly, but you didn’t.  You have a marvelous talent, and you’re sure to go far.  Five shots.

Krsylu’s Centrifugal Bumblepuppy
Lots of Ice
1/4 cup Vodka
Grape Juice
Apple Juice
Cranberry Juice
Fill (and I mean fill) 2qt blender with ice. Add vodka. Fill remaining space with juice in whatever flavor proportion tastes good to you. Pulse blender until ice is crushed. Serve to your guests. Tell them they will know they are drunk when they can no longer say “Centrifugal Bumblepuppy”.
Given the amount of ice, it does not take long for the hilarity to commence!

Kathleen says, This sounds really good, and a great party drink.  I think my kids would love it, which would get me arrested in most states.  Four and a half shots.

Rachel’s Purple Prose

1 shot parfait amour
1 shot blackberry liqueur
1 shot grape juice
1 shot sloe gin
1 shot chambord
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of...hey, what else you got back there?  What do you mean, that’s too much already?  There’s no such thing as too much!  I’m not done yet, keep pouring!
1 shot of cointreau
1 shot of Tequila Rose
1 shot of vodka
Garnish with a cherry, a wedge of lemon, a slice of watermelon, a slice of orange, a slice of apple, and any other fruit the greengrocer next door might have.

Kathleen says, Oh, I love the kitchen sink recipes… and this sounds sort of like a wine-thang.  I likey and will experiment.  Four and a half shots.

Silver James’ 69 Bitches

6 oz. di Saronno Amaretto
9 oz. Dom Perignon champagne
Cocktail cherries
Drop cherry into a frosted champagne flute. Gently shake amaretto and champagne over ice, pour into flute. When you get to the cherry in the bottom, “pop” the cherry and tie the stem in a knot using only your teeth and tongue. You won’t be going home alone.

Kathleen says, Okay, anyone with Dom Perignon is going to get five shots, simply because you have exquisite taste. 

Carrie Lofty’s The Napoli

**The Napoli
2 parts sufuric acid
2 parts gasoline (unleaded)
1 part denatured alcohol
1 part soy sauce
1 part pineapple juice
2 habanero peppers and a cherry
Coz he deserves the very best.

Kathleen says, ROFL.  Five shots.  Anyone who throws gasoline makes me fearful of grading anything less.

Leslie Hubank’s The Category Romance Cocktail
Ingredients:
A crystal glass (Waterford preferred)
2 Tbs Pie Cherries pureed (A virgin with mixed feelings)
3 Oz Champagne (Sparkle and some cash required)
2 Oz Tequila (Made from cactus because a little prick now and then is a good thing
Optional ingredients: Egyptian pickles (lots of salt, garlic and hot stuff)
For the Chic Sheikh; Bad coffee and bitters for the Divorced Cop version; and Whole Organic Milk for the Tanned Bland Hero.

Kathleen says, ROFL.  Oh, dawg, you brought it home, tonight.  Five shots.

Melissa Marr’s Vampire Kisses, with Teeth Variation

1 oz Midori
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer
1 oz Triple Sec
dash sours
dash of cranberry for the red trickle look [Do this last step in front of the customer]
(cocktail, heavy rocks)

*ALT-- Kisses with Teeth

-add 2 oz Vodka instead of Triple Sec

Kathleen says, This sounds really close to Sex On the Beach, which is always a big treat.  I’m going to experiment with this Vampire Kisees-thang.  If I don’t return at daylight, put a stake through my heart.  I’m done.

DBN’s Secret Baby

Malibu Rum
Orange Juice
Atomic Fireball in the bottom of glass

Kathleen says, ROFL.  Atomic fireball and secret baby?  It must be old-Linda Howard.  It must.

Yvonna’s Stiff Concoction

1/3 pulque
2/3 clear 151 proof rum
Garnish with a whole carrot at least 6 inches long

Kathleen says I love this one, but I would like a longer carrot.  Five stars, because, dawg, now you’re rocking.

**Fill a cocktail shaker with ice
Pour in a shot of tequila (good stuff if you have it!)
Add 1 tablespoon (more or less depending on taste) Powdered Gatorade Mix
Top off with seltzer
Shake and strain into a glass
I have also done this with champagne instead of seltzer and I have heard of people using beer. As you can imagine, this was originally created out of what was left over at the end of an archaeology job out in the field. It’s very good though! We always called it a tequila fizz but maybe it needs a better name....

Kathleen says Oh, yum, another drink that my kids would love but that would get me arrested.  I’m thinking of names:  Tequila Nights, Tequila sin, Tequila seduction, Hot, Sassy, Tequila, the Tequila Affair, Naughty Tequila, Tequila Undone, Tequila confessions, Extreme Tequila, Tequila Fantasy, Tequila Wild, or Tequila Delight.  I think Tequila Wild is my fav.  Five shots.

KJsGrrl’s The Husky Murmur

1 can strawberry crush
splash of vodka
splash of tequila
splash of gin
splash of peach schnapps
1 large plastic cup (no need to dirty a real glass!)
Swirl it around in the cup, gulp it down. Once it’s down you’ll be talking with that same husky murmur all the sexy people use in romance novels...or you’ll just be headed straight to the bathroom to pay homage.

Kathleen says I’m fascinated by this, intrigued by its sultry list of ingredients, yet it’s blue-collar-plastic-cup-ness.  Five shots.