Have y’all seen the award Monica created for me in honor of my C- review of In My Dreams? If you haven’t seen it yet, please, for the love of tacos, go check it out. It’s hilarious. A big ole throbbing heart to Monica for having an evil sense of humor.
The award was also inspiring, specifically the bit that says the it will be inflicted on me should I neglect to use “sheer literary genius” in my next review of Monica’s work. That got me thinking, oh, I COULD, but the words won’t necessarily be close together.
Anyway, have you ever seen cover quotes just peppered with ellipses and wondered what those unedited raves would actually read like? (Come to think of it, movies are much, much worse than books when it comes to this.) Well, here’s your chance to create one yourself. In 55 words or less, create a review excerpt that an exceptionally creative author/editor/publicist/agent/WHOEVER is in charge of this sort of thing will be able to trim into the following accolades:
“Heartbreaking work of staggering genius”
“Fantastic, witty romp”
“Must-read book of the year”
“A potent and satisfying read”
“Richly nuanced and beautifully written”
Post your entry in the comments, or e-mail them to or .
Other rules
1. Entry cannot mention any specific authors or books, unless you want to create one using our Title Generator, featuring our patented Bitchenatin’® Technology.
2. The review must be scathing.
3. The words must appear in order, e.g. for “Fantastic, witty romp” the words “fantastic” and “witty” must appear before “romp” in the review excerpt.
4. Get your entries in by Tuesday, May 17 2005. I’ll post all the eligible entries on Wednesday, and you have until Saturday, May 21 to e-mail either Sarah or me the vote for your favorite. The one with the most votes wins. Results will be posted Sunday, May 22.
Here are some examples Sarah and I came up with for “sheer literary genius”:
“‘Sheer, mind-numbing idiocy’ are the words that ran through my mind as I read this author’s latest literary attempt. The genius who greenlighted this novel’s publication deserves to be shot, hung, quartered, burned and then have the ashes fed to hungry pigs.”
“Sheer bravery was the only force that allowed me to finish this literary effort, and genius, sadly, is a long way off.”
OK, enough blathering, fool. What about the prizes?
Lo, the prize is three-fold!
1. A custom Smart Bitch title which you can proudly sport on your website! Yes, you KNOW you want to announce to the world that you are Countess Balloonne-Knotte. (Actual prize title may vary from showroom model.)
2. Guest Bitchery! (If you want. No pressure if you prefer to stay mum.)
3. Your choice of up to three books from the following list, all in mint condition unless otherwise noted (yes, I’m one of those horribly anal-retentive readers whose books look brand-new even after multiple re-reads):
Where’s My Hero?, an anthology featuring Julia Quinn, Lisa Kleypas and Kinley MacGregor
Only in My Dreams by Eve Byron (cracks in spine, pages yellowed, edgewear)
The Gentleman Caller by Megan Chance
The Perfect Scandal by Kit Garland
In My Dreams by Monica Jackson
Duchess in Love by Eloisa James
The Naked Duke by Sally MacKenzie
The Rake and the Reformer by Mary Jo Putney (pretty beat up--lots of creases everywhere)
One Man’s Love (Book 1 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
When the Laird Returns (Book 2 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
The Irresistible MacRae (Book 3 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
To Love a Scottish Lord (Book 4 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
Single, Sexy… and Sold! by Vicki Lewis Thompson, Harlequin Temptation 721
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Oh boy. Check out the new contest Kate Rothwell has set up.
The “cover art” she’s chosen is… Damn. Just go look.
I love that I can spend another day putting off trying to illustrate the new clutch shaft Engineering has decided to inflict on us so I can think up delicious blurbs for this contest.
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And the winner is.... Jaci Burton for her truly magnificent work, “Fragrant Stinkweed.” Congratulations, Jaci!
Honorable mention goes to E.D’trix’s “The Spastic Nubbin,” Jennifer’s “The Salacious Janitor” and Shannon’s “The Humid Pirate.”
Here are some of the funnier comments we received during the voting process:
“I’m still not entirely sure what is going on, but what the Hell, it seems like it’s all in fun and everything, so I’m going to vote for Entry #2, but not because I truly understand what is happening, or really even liked it, but it was the only entry that had actual nudity in it, and, you know, being a guy and all, we both know that’s why we show up in the first place.”
“I chose to send my email to you instead of Sarah cause you have the trashier name.” (Hee!)
“The Spastic Nubbin gets my ENTHUSIASTIC vote. Not so enthusiastic that anything is spasming. Or anything. Um. Yeah.”
“I have to vote for “Fragrant Stinkweed,” because it made me feel the most disturbed.”
Again, congratulations again to Jaci for her deathless prose. She gets a $10 Amazon.com gift certificate and henceforward shall be known as:
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All right! Here are the eligible entries for the Romance Novel Title Generator contest. E-mail your vote for the story you liked best to either or . One vote per person, and getcher vote in by Monday, 4/18.
Entry No. 1: The Confused Rake by Gail
Clement Stockton, Earl of Attlee, raised his opera glass to his eye and peered through it. Wasn’t that Cecily, his Cecily, dancing attendance on Percival Watt? A mere Mister. With a receding hairline to boot. Who had a tendency to spout nonsense about poetry and magnetism and Egyptian hieroglyphicists or whatever the damned squiggly things were called. Why on earth would Lady Cicely Bywater spend time with Percy instead of him? Was he, Clement Stockton, not a rake of the highest rakishness, able to make women swoon with a single wink of his wicked brown eyes, to make them gasp if he waltzed them too close to his manly chest, to make them scream with the facility of his manly...instrument? And no, he did not mean a violin. Clement scowled. He did not understand it. Not at all. And he did not like being confused.
Entry No. 2: Fragrant Stinkweed by Jaci Burton
Lying naked amidst the fragrant stinkweed, Penelope held out her arms, anticipating her lover’s embrace.
“Oh, come to me, my precious Pepe,” she moaned, unable to contain her lust. The odiferous scent of both him and the flora around them filled her with longing. His aroma brought back sweet memories of that time the water in her apartment was turned off for a month and she couldn’t bathe.
Pepe stood proudly, his thick stalk of stinkweed waving to and fro like the tall grasses of the plains. In the heated afternoon, the foul aroma wavered around him like garbage day in New York City, potent and powerful in its stench. She had never been more aroused.
“You want some of my stink, don’t you, my pet?” he teased, thrusting his hips forward, enticing her with his fragrant weed.
“You know I do, my love,” she answered, still unable to believe her luck. Pepe the skunk-shifter had claimed her as his own. She could die a happy woman now.
Entry No. 3: The Salacious Janitor by Jennifer
He was always giving her the eye as she walked out of the door of her office in a thigh-high miniskirt and five-inch heels. He’d always be there, covered in filth and up to his armpits in a pile of trash in the Dumpster, perhaps with a condom wrapper stuck to his head, and staring. At first she thought he was a random homeless bum, until one day she saw a naked woman sneaking out of the Dumpster with a radiant smile on her face and and yet another sticky condom on her ass.
What WAS going on in that Dumpster? One day, she had to find out. When everyone had left the building for lunch, she snaked one long, slim leg, than the other, into the bin. And there the janitor was, with the zipper of his ragged gray coveralls open almost to his crotch, sweaty, stinky, and lustfully gazing at her bulging breasts. “It took you long enough,” he smirked. And within ten seconds they had run slowly over the piles of papers and discarded lunches and were groping each other on top of yesterday’s cafeteria lasagna.
“My god, you are salacious!”
She left smiling, yet smelly.
Entry No. 4: The Sinful Janitor by Arielle
Fall into…
Their first meeting was by cheer accident. When Dora Kemp sliped on the wet tiles of her office hallway, she thought she had a concussion. She had been working late again researching iridescent glitter online for her scrapbook guru boss. Exhaustion. How else to explain how the pine-scented new janitor’s arms could feel so buff ? How could such an ackward encouter in an empty building suddenly seem like an invitation to more…
...The Vapors of Love
He thought the strong chlorine-based desinfectant he used in the ladies bathroom were the cause of the overwhelming feelings that came over Chuck Delore when this overweight and overdressed angel fell into his waiting arms. But while he gazed into her slightly unfocused eyes, her halting breaths loud in the quiet of the night, the undercover cop/custodian knew somehow that harsh chemicals alone could never ever make him feel so...sinful.
Entry No. 5: The Humid Pirate by Shannon Stacey
“Ahoy, me sultry and dewy maiden! My mind is foggy and vaporous from my desire for you---or the dank grog, mayhap. Aye, come close and let me lay my clammy hands upon your diaphoretic breasts. The constant dripping, dripping, dripping of this drizzly and rainy voyage has chilled my bones. Allow me to set aside this damp and foul parrot so I may bury myself in your steamy and moist port of call. The muggy, sweltering depths of your wettish womanhood warm me, wrapping my throbbing, sudorific manhood in sticky, soggy embraces. Arrgh, sweet and vaporific wench, how your misty thighs welcome my watery release! Now, bring your humid pirate lover more grog! Avast!”
Entry No. 6: The Astonishingly Hirsute Nipple meets The Moist Master by Nicole
At 29, Maddie was still a virgin. Not for lack of trying, but because she had...The Astonishingly Hirsute Nipple! No matter that her other turgid nipple was perfect in it’s turgidness, grown men would run screaming in terror from her highly hairy breast. Her only hope for popping her cherry before she turned 30 was...The Moist Master. His steamy breath and gifted hand would soon have her nipple shaven bare to his gaze. But has The Moist Master met his match? Will Maddie and her Nipple ever be free of the yoke of chastity?
Entry No. 7: The Spastic Nubbin by E.D’Trix
One Woman…
An innocent caught on the brink of womanhood, Vyrginne St. Sultry is determined to find the no good men who shot her pa. If only she could ignore the wild fluttering between her thighs everytime she came across that no-good scoundrel Randy McRockhard…
One Man…
Randy McRockhard is a man in charge of his own destiny. A big fan of saloon girls and whores, he is shocked to find himself wildly attracted to Vyrginne—and her strangely fluttering groin…
And The Spastic Nubbin…
Unable to deal with her vibrating privates on her own, Vyrginne turns to Randy, the one man she thinks she can trust. The one man who can help her reveal the secret of...THE SPASTIC NUBBIN.
Entry No. 8: The Linguistically-Gifted Shape-Shifter by E.D’Trix
Yesterday…
Rowena LaFarge was a moderately content accountant with endearingly chubby thighs, and a non-existent social life. One trip to a graveyard on the night of the full moon has changed all of that—throwing her anal-retentive life into a whirlwind of wild desire…
Today…
Wolfe Wintergreen is an alpha in the prime of his life. A lone wolf with a penchant for travel, Wolfe is happy with his job as a translator at the U.N., that is, until he meets the delectable Rowena under the light of a full moon…
Tomorrow…
Caught up in the blazing rapture of their erotic lust, Wolfe is waiting for the right time to tell Rowena that he and his “wolf-hound” Fluffy, are one and the same. That he is not just linguistically-gifted, but THE LINGUISTICALLY-GIFTED SHAPE-SHIFTER. If only he could get to her before the assassins did…
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Us Smarty Bitchypants have come up with an invaluable tool for all romance novel authors, everywhere: A Romance Novel Title Generator!
Yes, now you no longer have to lay awake nights trying to come up with that perfect title for your work-in-progress! This generator with its own patented Bitchenatin'® Technology takes all the stress and anguish out of coming up with a snappy title and leaves you more time to decide whether your hero's eyes are "gunmetal" or "polished flint." Go ahead, give it a whirl! If you don't like the title you first come up with, click on the button again to come up with another one. Rest assured we have ALL sub-genres covered, from paranormals to Westerns to European historicals of all sorts. And after you generate that title, you can enter in another Smart Bitch contest--this one requiring more than your page-refreshing skillz.
Your next bestseller should be titled:
Contest Details
So what are you waiting for? Generate that title and submit your entries, bitches!
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I remember reading these!! You read her side of the story (in first person) then you flipped the book over and read his side (again, first person). After reading the whole book you got the complete picture of what happened.…
Well, gee—
My copy of the three-armed lady isn’t new, but is in very good shape for its age… and signed to boot. The connecting story, Candle in the Window, is also signed. Perhaps I should move them…
This is actually a very interesting post.
I can’t say I’ve seen a lot of clever viral marketing campaigns launched by authors. There were the authors wearing swan hats and manga costumes at RWA. Those created a bit…
Hokay, I simply don’t believe that Chuck’s writing made anyone pass out at a reading. Throw up, maybe, especially if the reading was after-hours at a sleazy bar. But pass out, no.
Here’s my plan for a viral…
A netwok of 8-12 people? Doesn’t help if they’re preschoolers, I’ll bet!
spaminator--quite34--try quite 3 and 4, and you’ve got my social circle!
