Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Behold, the Professional Division entries for The Big Kahuna Contest! Click on the thumbnails for the full-sized versions of the covers. As with the Amateur Division entries, email your vote for the Amateur division to AND - by July 30, midnight PDT.

Were you hankering for some cover snark? How about the entries for our Cover Contest instead?

Below, a collection of The Big Kahuna Contest: Amateur Division entries - and a special addendum. In addition to our Amazon gift certificate prize, one of our Professional Division contestants, April Martinez, has offered to make the winning cover into a full flat with the spine and back. So not only will you be buying books to make your TBR topple over on to your head, but you’ll have a fine display piece of your cover art. Thanks, April!

So, without further ado, have a look at our Amateur Division covers. This ain’t Cook County, Illinois, so please, vote once, and as early or late as your please.  Just email your vote for the Amateur division to Sarah AND Candy by July 29, midnight PDT. Click on the thumbnails for full-sized versions of the covers.

To refresh your memory, here is a reprint of our fine cover copy by which these covers were inspired.

A Desperate Secret...

Chase Thurston Spencer Hastings V is a mild-mannered stock broker by day, but at night, he desperately tries to lock himself in his apartment, even as he wakes up every morning with blood on his trousers, fur clutched between his hands, and no knowledge of his activities the night before.

A Covert Operative...

Vaniqa Lorcet Valtrex is a princess working undercover without the protection of her kingdom, seeking the truth about a mysterious family of murderers who appear, strike, and dissolve into mist. She’s chased the rumors of their existence to New York, where she thinks she’s found the heir to their powerful heritage--and incredibly hairy feet.

A Perfect Opportunity for Love...

From her perch in a penthouse across the street from his, Vaniqa spends her every moment watching the mysterious man, waiting for her chance to avenge her best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend.

Update:

Note: Professional Division will be up later today, so hold on to the edge of your seat or something. There’s more to come!

If you want to demonstrate your elite cover design skills, make sure your entry is in by Wednesday, July 19. I’ll even get all specific and say that your entry needs to head on over to us by midnight PDT.

Now, crack open that Photoshop! And while you wait for it to finish booting up, go make a dozen cookies, brew your own beer, and paint your toenails. 

After many weeks of cover snark, picking on classics and computer generated images, with no mercy for any publisher who dares tempt the wrath of Man-Titte, Candy and I, we are well acquainted with the cover that is resplendent in its badness.

And we are also familiar with the comment and the private email from various sources that all read similarly; to wit: “You want to snark on my cover? Let’s see YOU DO BETTER, Huh?!”

To which we said to one another, “Ok!”

And thus, a Smart Bitch Contest is born.

But this is a different contest, a contest with challenges not of the writing variety, but of the design variety. We know you’re good at the writing. We want to check out your l33t Photoshop skills.

So! Candy and I are going to provide you with the cover copy of a paranormal romance novel. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to design the cover for our novel.

Edited July 13th to Add:

Due to response, we’re opening our contest up to professional artists and amateurs in separate categories. So please make sure to tell us under which heading you fall, and we’ll have two slots of judging (and two sets of prizes, because we are Generous Bitches).

Let’s see if we can make this work. Given that multiple people can comment at a time, it might overlap a bit, but let’s give it a shot.

Since Eva Longoria’s book is probably going to be “written” with assistance and possibly in its entirety by another writer, let’s give her a hand.

Let us compose the first chapter (or two) of Longoria’s romance novel. Each of you has 150 words to write, and we’ll add on to each other’s paragraphs. It’s a quick-action round-robin creation of the most tawdry, ridiculous, Longoriastic romance novel ever.

Then we’ll vote on the best contribution and annoint the winner with pixels and, if I can get her agent on the phone, a signed photograph of Longoria. Or a picture of a desperate housewife. I bet I can find one in my neighborhood. And hell, I’m not a housewife but I get plenty desperate if there’s no chocolate in the vicinity so you might just get a picture of my fine self. Now how’s THAT for inspiration?

Here are the rules:

You have 150 words; I’ve temporarily upped the comment character limit so you have a crapload of letters to use. But please limit to 150 words (give or take 5).

Your paragraph should continue the previously posted paragraph in the story but work quickly - this is about speed, absurdity, and Eva Longoria’s writing career. We want your comment posted in the thread location where you want it to appear, but we also have to get this thing out before the stardom sparkler that is the Housewives most Desperate burns through its last 15 minutes.

I won’t give you too much structure - this is about wanton creativity and vivid, dare I say desperate, imagination, after all. But do work in the use of the word “longoria,” if you can.

On your mark, get set - go!