Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Back when I reviewed Julie Cohen’s His For the Taking, also known as Driving Him Wild if you’re in the UK, I mentioned how mildly disappointed I was with the decision to re-title the US issue. Except instead of “mildly disappointed” substitute, “Pissed off and dumbfounded to the degree that there’s a head-shaped dent in my desk.”

A headstrong, tomboy character who drives a freakin’ CAB from the BRONX for Chrissakes gets it on till the break of dawn with a hot Maine park ranger and the US title is… His for the Taking?!

And don’t even get me started on the cover art. Red hot man hands with extra bonus thumb the size of a Yugo? What the almighty crap?

Can you tell it pains me that this book might get skipped over by the average buyer looking for a good category romance because the watered down submissive vanilla flavoring that is the title and cover art have so little to do with the flavorful Mexican vanilla that is the actual book? I’m a little het up, is all I’m saying.

So! Spontaneous contest! I have here a copy of the UK issue of Cohen’s book, with the much hotter and more sexy and genuine cover art.

Ya wannit? Here’s what ya gotta do: come up with a better title than His for the Taking, and post it in the comments. I’m judging because, well, I’ve been crowned Empress for the Day. Feel free to try to sway my judgment by commenting on your favorite. I’m leaving this one open until Friday at 12 noon Eastern, so bring it on. You can use common Harlequin title hook words, or you can go buck wild and pay homage to that freakish red thumb on the US cover. 

Say hello, Kitty, to our winner of the Name that Texas Vibrator contest: Michelle, for her entry Prairie Home Companion.

I snorted diet Coke up my nose at that one, too. No question.

Second place went to “Top Drive Drillin’ Rig - Buck Up and Strike Yourself a Wildcat Gusher!” posted by Brandi, and “Texas Long Horn,” posted by Tina and by Moondancer Drake.

Congratulations, Michelle, and thanks to all of you for hi-larious entries. I hope some sex shop in Texas is getting some great ideas for a new product line. 

There are only so many important elections you can vote in this year, particularly in the US, and this is definitely one of them: post your vote in the comments for which entry wins our Name that Sex Toy contest. Comments on that entry close at 10:00 am EST. 

Thanks to the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, Texans can have their sex toys back. Hooray!

So - a Smart Bitch Contest ahoy! Name that Texas Vibrator! (Doesn’t that sound almost like a Harlequin Presents title?)

Post your entry in the comments. Vote for your favorite, again, in the comments.

Winner shall receive: An Actual Vibrator!

Thanks to Teddy Pig, I have hidden in my china cabinet (no, that’s not a euphemism) a genuine, bonafide adorably pink Hello Kitty “personal massager.”

Whosoever posts the best name for a Texas Vibrator as voted on by the Bitchery shall win their very own “personal massager” - and you can interpret the terms “Texas” and “Vibrator” however you want. If you mention biscuit-lovin’ cowboys, more power to you - hmmmm hah!

I will ship just about anywhere, except the Mir space station (sorry, floating folks), so get creative, no matter where you’re located. Entries and voting begin now, and comments and voting will close tomorrow at 8am Eastern time.

Ready, set, go!

It seems the vast knowledge of the Bitchery when it comes to all things cover art is not a secret, especially among the publishing houses. I received an email from Lauren Naefe, Online Marketing Manager at HarperCollins, who asked if I consult the Oracle of the Bitchery to help settle an in-house debate. It seems the cover art for a particular book is under discussion, and there are two hotly-contested candidates for the coveted position. It’s like deciding the Democratic presidential nomination, only with Bitchery, cussing, and fun! How perfect for SuperTuesday, eh?

The book in question is Confessions of a Beauty Addict, the fiction debut of Nadine Haobsh which comes out November 18. Haobsh is the beauty editor who was outed by New York Post as blogger behind “Jolie In NYC”, a hugely popular blog about all things involving beauty secrets. Her nonfiction advice manual, Beauty Confidential was published in October of ‘07.

The summary of Confessions of a Beauty Addict reads as follows:

When Bella Hunter, Beauty Expert and all around magazine editor wunderkind, loses her job for spilling top industry secrets to Page 6 she thinks her life is over. And, to top it all off, she’s managed to dye her hair bright orange. At her wits end and desperate not to return home with her tail between her legs, Bella accepts a job a Womanly Wear: a magazine her mom reads. But how can she face her glamorous ex-co-workers now that she works in an office where khaki (not Cavalli) is the way of life? Bella is out to wage war on the beauty world one bad makeover at a time, armed with only her Marc Jacobs shoes, three meddling best friends, and a flighty supermodel boyfriend. At odds with her stuffy (and undeniably gorgeous) publisher, Bella begins to realize that she may be fighting the wrong battle.

With that in mind, here are the two covers that the folks at Avon A are battling over. Which do you like? What comments do you have for either one. Lauren has graciously offered 2 advance copies of the book to the two readers who offer the most helpful comment - so speak often and as much as you want.