by SB Sarah • Wednesday, May 21, 2008 at 07:14 AM
It’s been awhile since we’ve had a contest, don’t you think? I mean, we’ve named sex toys, written LOL Romance queries, crafted LOLHOffs, and written cover copy based on nonsense spam words from Sarah’s inbox. But you know, there’s one place we haven’t been yet, one path we haven’t taken, one deep, dark secret ecstacy we haven’t yet explored.
You guessed it: anal!
Thanks to Kate from Ramblings on Romance, my eyeballs were forever assaulted by the first and absolutely real chocolate starfish. That’s right: an edible anus. (Can you imagine that “edibleanus.com” wasn’t already taken by some enterprising cyber squatter, emphasis on “squat?") While the shop is closed right now and you can’t procure a chocolate representation of the Hershey highway for your very own until Memorial Day (and what a day to remember THAT will be), we here at Bitchery headquarters never want to skip an opportunity to exercise our abs with the romance and the absurd.
And speaking of absurd, check out the page for the “limited edition solid silver anus:”
55 grams of hallmarked silver, cradled in a magnificent presentation box and exquisitely crafted into that most sensuous of body parts: a unique, elegant and thought-provoking gift.
People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience. A quality product immortalised in silver…for the man who has everything.”
Two words, people, two words: Father’s. Day.
Two more words - no, three: Smart Bitch Contest!
All awe and giggles at the solid silver booty holes aside, we must consider it our solemn dooty, I mean, duty, to hold a contest to celebrate the imminent sales extravaganza that is the solid chocolate doorway to the doody canal. Seriously! What better promotional effort could release wads of dollars from the tight brown folds of your nearest wallet like the Smart Bitchery’s purplest prose?
So, here’s the deal: your finest over-the-top purplest purple (or brown) prose example of an anal sex scene (250 word limit, please!) by midnight tonight 21 May 2008, Pacific Time. I’ll collate and post them all and you can vote and giggle at the wonderment.
Winner as voted in the comments will receive a Smart Bitch Title™, a Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit, and a gift certificate to Powell’s or Amazon, winner’s choice.
Any questions? Send ‘em where the sun don’t shine. Just kidding.
by SB Sarah • Sunday, May 04, 2008 at 10:18 AM
It’s been awhile since I’ve had more than 10 minutes at my computer, alongside my sexy postage scale and my box o’prizes (which, for the record) the cats desperately try to sleep in, but I refuse to allow them to do so. They are miffed).
First, a coronation! After consulting with the Oracle of Bitchery Titles, I am pleased to confer upon Danica, who, about 18 years ago in Internet time, guessed The Seagull Book in a two-part Guess That Lonely Heart. Kneel, Danica, and arise a member of the Smart Bitch Peerage™.
Second, another coronation! To Bronwwyn, who identified all three books in an HaBO trilogy, kneel, and welcome to the Peerage™:
And, prizes! For LOLCovers, which, should you need a reason to wet your pants, well, it seems the Bitchery is happy to provide. By collective voting on- and offline, the winner was Aubrey, for the entry that literally made me snort coffee up my nose. Aubrey, please so I can mail you your prize - the Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit.
There was a tie for second place, and the voting as a whole was so close that I also want to give mad props and big ups and random bits of shouting to Tinkerbon and Soni, whose entries were totally wheeze-worthy. I was long past laughter looking at these entries - I was well into “wheeze and gasp laughter” territory. Good for the abs, I hear.
Third place: to Jenifer, who took the worst of the worst and made them oh-so-awesome.
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 10:30 AM
Inspired by snarkhunter’s comment in our last cover snark, and clamored for by many, including me despite my own exceptionally poor OMG Bad Photoshop skillz (they are not uber uber l33t by a longshot), behold: a contest to kick off our new site design. I give you: LOL COVER SNARK!
The rules: add your LOLCoverSnark to the comments, and we’ll judge in the comment thread itself for the best of the group. You can your vote if you don’t like to comment (Hi Lurkers! Hayadoin?). Comments will close in 24 48 hours (G’day Australia!) and winners will get books and a Romance Novel magnetic poetry set for their very own.
And now, our samples, let us show you them.
by SB Sarah • Thursday, April 03, 2008 at 08:48 AM
Get your top shelf ready, and make sure there’s a mattress on the floor, because if you drink all of these, you will pass out before you even know you’re falling down.
Presenting the winners in the Smart Bitch Happy Hour contest. Winning drinkmasters, please contact me with your mailing address so that I can send you your copy of Kathleen O’Reilly’s new book, Nightcap.
Thank you to Kathleen O’Reilly for judging and providing the books. And now, in no particular order, we have: the winners!
Shae’s In Ur Ass, Savin’ Ur Life
(Inspired by the Decadent review)
1 shot Jägermeister
1 shot Strawberry Pucker
1 shot Cherry Pucker
1 shot Watermelon Pucker
First, take a whiff of the delicious smell of the three pucker shots. Then, completely mess up your senses by drinking the Jager (definitely not what you were expecting, right?). Follow up the Jager with the three pucker shots. The yummy flavor will definitely be a life saver and the results of the drink will leave you as confused as the book.
Kathleen says: OMG. Paula Abdul voice: You took a risk tonight, and that’s what I love about you. You’re never afraid to try something new and different, and you could have failed greatly, but you didn’t. You have a marvelous talent, and you’re sure to go far. Five shots.
Krsylu’s Centrifugal Bumblepuppy
Lots of Ice
1/4 cup Vodka
Grape Juice
Apple Juice
Cranberry Juice
Fill (and I mean fill) 2qt blender with ice. Add vodka. Fill remaining space with juice in whatever flavor proportion tastes good to you. Pulse blender until ice is crushed. Serve to your guests. Tell them they will know they are drunk when they can no longer say “Centrifugal Bumblepuppy”.
Given the amount of ice, it does not take long for the hilarity to commence!
Kathleen says, This sounds really good, and a great party drink. I think my kids would love it, which would get me arrested in most states. Four and a half shots.
Rachel’s Purple Prose
1 shot parfait amour
1 shot blackberry liqueur
1 shot grape juice
1 shot sloe gin
1 shot chambord
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of...hey, what else you got back there? What do you mean, that’s too much already? There’s no such thing as too much! I’m not done yet, keep pouring!
1 shot of cointreau
1 shot of Tequila Rose
1 shot of vodka
Garnish with a cherry, a wedge of lemon, a slice of watermelon, a slice of orange, a slice of apple, and any other fruit the greengrocer next door might have.
Kathleen says, Oh, I love the kitchen sink recipes… and this sounds sort of like a wine-thang. I likey and will experiment. Four and a half shots.
Silver James’ 69 Bitches
6 oz. di Saronno Amaretto
9 oz. Dom Perignon champagne
Cocktail cherries
Drop cherry into a frosted champagne flute. Gently shake amaretto and champagne over ice, pour into flute. When you get to the cherry in the bottom, “pop” the cherry and tie the stem in a knot using only your teeth and tongue. You won’t be going home alone.
Kathleen says, Okay, anyone with Dom Perignon is going to get five shots, simply because you have exquisite taste.
Carrie Lofty’s The Napoli
**The Napoli
2 parts sufuric acid
2 parts gasoline (unleaded)
1 part denatured alcohol
1 part soy sauce
1 part pineapple juice
2 habanero peppers and a cherry
Coz he deserves the very best.
Kathleen says, ROFL. Five shots. Anyone who throws gasoline makes me fearful of grading anything less.
Leslie Hubank’s The Category Romance Cocktail
Ingredients:
A crystal glass (Waterford preferred)
2 Tbs Pie Cherries pureed (A virgin with mixed feelings)
3 Oz Champagne (Sparkle and some cash required)
2 Oz Tequila (Made from cactus because a little prick now and then is a good thing
Optional ingredients: Egyptian pickles (lots of salt, garlic and hot stuff)
For the Chic Sheikh; Bad coffee and bitters for the Divorced Cop version; and Whole Organic Milk for the Tanned Bland Hero.
Kathleen says, ROFL. Oh, dawg, you brought it home, tonight. Five shots.
Melissa Marr’s Vampire Kisses, with Teeth Variation
1 oz Midori
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer
1 oz Triple Sec
dash sours
dash of cranberry for the red trickle look [Do this last step in front of the customer]
(cocktail, heavy rocks)
*ALT-- Kisses with Teeth
-add 2 oz Vodka instead of Triple Sec
Kathleen says, This sounds really close to Sex On the Beach, which is always a big treat. I’m going to experiment with this Vampire Kisees-thang. If I don’t return at daylight, put a stake through my heart. I’m done.
DBN’s Secret Baby
Malibu Rum
Orange Juice
Atomic Fireball in the bottom of glass
Kathleen says, ROFL. Atomic fireball and secret baby? It must be old-Linda Howard. It must.
Yvonna’s Stiff Concoction
1/3 pulque
2/3 clear 151 proof rum
Garnish with a whole carrot at least 6 inches long
Kathleen says I love this one, but I would like a longer carrot. Five stars, because, dawg, now you’re rocking.
**Fill a cocktail shaker with ice
Pour in a shot of tequila (good stuff if you have it!)
Add 1 tablespoon (more or less depending on taste) Powdered Gatorade Mix
Top off with seltzer
Shake and strain into a glass
I have also done this with champagne instead of seltzer and I have heard of people using beer. As you can imagine, this was originally created out of what was left over at the end of an archaeology job out in the field. It’s very good though! We always called it a tequila fizz but maybe it needs a better name....
Kathleen says Oh, yum, another drink that my kids would love but that would get me arrested. I’m thinking of names: Tequila Nights, Tequila sin, Tequila seduction, Hot, Sassy, Tequila, the Tequila Affair, Naughty Tequila, Tequila Undone, Tequila confessions, Extreme Tequila, Tequila Fantasy, Tequila Wild, or Tequila Delight. I think Tequila Wild is my fav. Five shots.
KJsGrrl’s The Husky Murmur
1 can strawberry crush
splash of vodka
splash of tequila
splash of gin
splash of peach schnapps
1 large plastic cup (no need to dirty a real glass!)
Swirl it around in the cup, gulp it down. Once it’s down you’ll be talking with that same husky murmur all the sexy people use in romance novels...or you’ll just be headed straight to the bathroom to pay homage.
Kathleen says I’m fascinated by this, intrigued by its sultry list of ingredients, yet it’s blue-collar-plastic-cup-ness. Five shots.
by SB Sarah • Monday, March 31, 2008 at 04:15 AM
Contest Ahoy! Get out your minibar bottles and start mixing! Kathleen O’Reilly has sent me a fair pile of her new book, Nightcap 
and I’m loving my new postage scale like you have no idea. And it’s almost Friday, sort of, so let’s start the Smart Bitch Happy Hour with a contest.
Since the O’Sullivan brothers own a bar, your task, should you choose to accept it, is to create a drink recipe and name it. It doesn’t matter if the drink actually tastes good - so many mixed drinks are made with vodka, which makes me wicked ill, so don’t worry that I’m standing by with a titanium liver and a top shelf bar ready to test-drive your concoctions. Heh. “Concoctions.”
So, bang a gong, it is on. Bring in your best made-up Smart Bitch Happy Hour cocktail (Heh heh. “cocktail.") and post it in the comments. It doesn’t have to be about sex or screwing or banging a bartender but hey, with the language of mixology, there’s plenty of room for some funny recipes. You have until 2am eastern to post your drink mix (Last Call!), and then comments will expire.
Kathleen O’Reilly will judge the top 5, and winners get books. Sorry, I can’t ship alcohol across state lines without a license. Otherwise I’d send you booze, too.
