Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Last weekend I called up the Clinton Book Shop in scenic Clinton, NJ, and ordered five signed copies of Suzanne Brockmann’s new book All Through the Night, the proceeds of which she is donating to MassEquality to fight for gay marriage rights in Massachusetts.

We Bitches, we are big supporters of the gay marriage rights. When I bought the books, I was trying to come up with a way to give them away beyond mere begging, though begging is fun. Advocating activism is great, but a lot of our readers are outside the US, and live in countries where gay marriage rights are protected under the law. As azteclady pointed out, that’s not fair. Discriminating against non-Americans in a contest designed to combat discrimination? Mmm. Tasty irony with a side of sweet buttery hypocrisy!

However, I do have books to give away, plus additional Brockmann material to add to the prize package. So: it’s Happy Ending Time! It’s time to craft some happy endings, Smart Bitch Style, for gay couples. Here’s the deal:

1. Write a 250-word happy ending (as in, happily ever after, y’all) for a gay romance, and email it to me. Deadline: 4:00 PM Pacific time, 8 November 2007 - that’s 24 hours from now.

2. Voting will commence as soon as I’ve got all the entries uploaded.

3. Top 5 winners will receive:

One Signed Copy of All Through the Night and a signed copy of Brockmann’s free publication “Suzanne Brockmann’s Extras for Writers: Going Deep With Point of View” and “Suzanne Brockmann’s Extras for Readers,” which contains excerpts from Force of Nature and short stories from the Troubleshooter series, plus a never-before-published Sam & Alyssa short story, “Trapped.”

Make your entry as funny, poignant, or goofy as you want. But! Here’s the catch. We’re not just writing about any old gay or lesbian couple here. Your entry has to be about one of these two couples:

Kate Duffy hath spoken, and there are people running for the hills at your local conservative bookstore at the idea that a book with any of the following titles might be coming soon (hur). But if I saw a book like this? I’d laugh my ass off.

The winners are:

MT’s Big Asses That Would Really Prefer a Nice Massage With Scented Oil and Maybe Some Romantic Music in the Background

AnimeJune’s Convenient Travel-Size Spankable Asses

Catherine J’s Sweet and Sour Wanton

Kassiana’s Yes, We’re Trying to Cash In on BDSM

and

Angelina’s Jenny Craig Didn’t Work for This Ass

Thanks again to Kate Duffy and Kensington for whipping (hur) free books into the mail for SBTB readers, and to y’all for cracking me up like damn.

In our discussion of Historical Erotica, Kate Duffy volunteered to give away five copies of Explosive by Charlotte Mede, a January 2008 release from Brava.

How to give away? Well, I figure, poor Kensington, they need help. After the subtlety of Big Spankable Asses, they need help coming up with titles for books. (And again, for the record - that ass? NOT BIG. I KNOW FROM BIG ASS.)

So - it’s time for a quick round of Help A Publisher Out. We need title ideas for the sequel to Big Spankable Asses. Top five as judged by Kate win a free copy of Explosive. So leave your title suggestion - Giant Dangling Boobs? Swampy Engorged Manmeat? - in the comments, and Kate will stop by to judge at 4:00 pm Eastern time Monday, 29 October. Comments will close at 3:30 pm Eastern time.

Come (hur) to think about it, that list of horrid euphemisms from EC might help here. Except, not.

Thanks for asking me to judge these marvelous haikus.  What a blast!  Here’s what I’ve got:

Runners Up Categories (in no particular order):

You Rock!

Emeline Green:

Cowboys, shieks and Dukes
Are antique heros. Give me
Wang Everlasting.

Riveting!

Adler: 

He is old pennies
and undead dust in my mouth:
Haemovore fetish.

AElfwyn: 

Gold eyes gleam darkness
I wait to breathe death, throat bared
In you I see light

Laughed Out Loud!

Vix 626: 

Vampires have parts
That are long and very white
And I don’t mean teeth

First Runner Up!

Rachel B: 

Stalking silly girls
In darkness, ending their lives
I miss eating fruit

Should have worked out more
Now deathless and eternal
doughy midsection

Jennifer says, “Rachel, if you’ll either give Sarah your mailing information to send on to me, or go to my website at jenniferrardin.com and e-mail me the information, I’d like to personally send you a copy of Once Bitten, Twice Shy.  Humor like that deserves a literal reward!”

And the Winner Is...

Cat Marsters:

I like vampires
Especially when
They fight back a bit

Jennifer says, “Cat, I picked yours because you might have been channeling my heroine, Jaz, when you wrote it.  In fact, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it’s the last thing she thinks before she stakes a villainous vamp.  Congratulations.  I hope you enjoy reading the series as much as I’ve loved writing it!”

--Jennifer Rardin

---

Thanks to Jennifer for judging, Orbit Books for the prize and to the readers for cracking me up like DAMN today. Well played!

Vampire haiku:
It’s like man-titty haiku
with sharper nipples.

I have dragged author Jennifer Rardin over to this here site, probably kicking and screaming but it’s virtual so maybe she’s got a big flamethrower aimed at me or something, in order to announce a really kickass contest. Originally I suggested that I’d give away a shiny new copy of Once Bitten, Twice Shy since I have two, but then Alex, Jennifer’s publicist, sweetened the pot and said, ‘How about a Year of Vampires?’ And I exploded with jealousy and said, ‘Hell yeah!’

Here’s the deal: in the comments to this entry today until 4:00 pm Pacific Time, post a haiku (up to two 5-7-5 stanzas, please) of your own creation about vampire heroes. Hate them? Love them? Feel the need for raunchy vamp haiku? Bring it on, and post it here.

Jennifer will judge the best one, and Orbit books will send that lucky winner A Year of Vampires - every book in Rardin’s series as they come out for the next year. That would be Once Bitten, Twice Shy, which is out now, Another One Bites the Dust, which comes out in December, and Biting the Bullet , which comes out in February of 2008. The Jaz Parks series is a five-book series, so the last two would be part of the deal as well. Not bad, eh?

So - bring it on! Post your poetic tributes to the vampire hero here, and Jennifer will be judging your creative efforts.

Thanks and graceful curtsies to Alex Lencicki, Orbit Books, Jennifer Rardin, and vampire heroes for being every-damn-where.