Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Cat Marsters emailed me a very interesting question, one that I hadn’t considered: what romances do you know of that feature sane exes?

Usually, the ex is a horror show, either a monstrous vindictive batshit crazy lady with an array of romance shorthand markers for shallowness, such as an obsession over nail polish (read: claws/talons), an over-attentive focus on her looks (read: vanity) or just a cold, calulating beauty (read: she’s evil).

As Cat puts it:

Why is the ex always a) a thousand times more beautiful than anyone else, including the heroine, and b) why is she completely evil?  Not just I-hate-you-after-the-divorce angry, but totally-unhinged fount-of-all-evil-since-dawn-of-time eeevill!!

Quite apart from my total pet peeve on the hysterically jealous beautiful = eeevill!! equation (so you hate her on sight because she’s prettier than you?  Gosh, what a mature, well-rounded adult you are), I’m getting really fed up with the automatic shorthand of ex = eeevill!!  It’s just rent-a-villain.  If she was so damn evil, why was he engaged/married/shagging her rotten in the first place?  Are we to believe this paragon of manly virtues is really that susceptible to a pretty face?  Especially when our heroine is less attractive than the ex?  Yes, it’s realistic he’s dazzled by the red lips and giant bazoombas, but I’m sorry, but I don’t buy him as wonderful hero material.  I buy him as a shallow jerk (now that’s realism).  And what about our heroine whose horrible-but-gorgeous fiancé was screwing her over?  Couldn’t she see he was just a giant ass with a pretty face (I’ll let you enjoy that image).

Aren’t there any books out there that have a hero (or heroine) with an ex who isn’t 100% evil?  Dead spouses don’t count. Can’t we have a mature ex-girlfriend who doesn’t wish painful death on her replacement?

While I was typing up this entry, Cat emailed me back:

OMG!  I just remembered.  Jill Mansell can do this.  She writes very complicated used-to-be-married but-then-fell-for-your-brother whose-daughter-I-adopted then-she-married-your-new-wife’s-son type relationships, which take some keeping track of, but the exes in her book tend to be more...well, sane.  Sometimes they’re even friendly.  In one, there was a Jerry Hall/Mick Jagger type next-door thing going on, and the ex ended up with the heroine’s sister.

It’s rare, isn’t it, the normal, we-broke-up ex? There’s not much drama in it, and it forces the tension and potential antagonism to find another route since that easy shorthand of “beautiful ex = eeeebil” inaccessbile.

Sometimes that shorthand is used to build the nobility of the character, who despite the relationship being over, still cares for or takes care of the ex in question. There was one book I read a while back wherein the hero is constantly taking care of his ex-girlfriend, who is beautiful but utterly mentally unhinged and keeps taking her clothes off in his backyard. Of course, now I’m wondering what book it was. (I’m one big HaBO I swear.)

The Mentally Stable and Not Evil Ex is a rare find in romance, in my experience. The stable ex means that the hero/heroine has had sex with someone else, has had a healthy relationship with someone else, and has ended that relationship for whatever reason. Does stability in a protagonist’s past relationships, and the fact that those relationships fizzled, somehow cast doubt on the S/He’s The One-ness of the relationship detailed in the romance? Is there such thing as enough reassurance in the “we’re just friends” and “you’re the one for me” departments such that it satisfies any doubts on the part of the reader? Or do readers by and large prefer as much as possible a virginal sexual past for the heroine, and a virginal emotional past for the hero?

What about y’all? Have you read or enjoyed a book wherein the ex was normal, functional, and maybe even casual friends with the hero or heroine? Or does the idea that either the hero or the heroine may have had sex and a stable relationship with someone else who is potentially likeable turn you off as a reader that you prefer your protagonists to have either an unstable ex history or no ex history at all?

Here’s an unusual request for help from our masterful collective mental library of awesome: Andrew, who has been lurking for awhile, sold a book. Yay, Andrew! Funny thing is, he’s a novelist who’s publisehd 17 novels, mostly Fantasy and Science Fiction. Trouble is, this time he’s being told by the purchaser of his manuscript that he’s written a… paranormal romance.

“Really?!” says Andrew.

“Oh, yes,” sayeth his publisher. “You’ve written a ‘dark historical paranormal fantasy romance.’” AND, hot diggity for Andrew, it’s a series.

But Andrew, he is befuddled, and he is no dummy. Instead of being all, “Eeeeyew I don’t write romance!” he turns to the Bitchery for help. He needs a reading list:

Thing is, since I’ve been a SF/Fantasy writer for the past fifteen years, and not a romance author, my knowledge of the genre is only a few pages deep.

What I’d like is a good crash course in (preferably in-print and/or readily available) books you all think a neophyte (paranormal) romance author should read.  Not only archetypal examples I’d need to be familiar with, but if you’re inclined, a few examples of “Oh God, please don’t do this!”

I asked Andrew for more specific details about his book, because the term “paranormal romance” encompasses as many diverse varieties as the word “food,” and he wrote:

Bitchery Exchange Student Mads is an Aussie in France, and she needs le help! She is looking to build a reading list of bodice-rippingly-good saga romances for her reading pleasure.

Recently I got the opportunity to become and exchange student in France- and voila, here I am. I’ve been in France for six weeks now and despite the freezing, disgusting weather (I’m Australian; this is my idea of hell. Well, this and that Hoff strippy, trippy thing you posted) I’m really enjoying France. But I have an incredibly obvious problem: A lack of books. I tore through the Quinn and Kleypas I brought with me and I’ve been indulging in ebooks since.

Here is my question. My anecdote wasn’t long and rambley without reason- I need Smart Bitch help.

I would really love to read some epic romance. I’m sick of regency, my usual romance fodder, and I’d love to try something with a bit more kick. I’m open to paranormal but my true love is always going to be historical. I’ve been thinking about the long and rather terrible epic sagas of the 80’s like Jane Feather and other authors.

I was just wondering if the very capable bitchery could help me out: I have far too much time on my hands with nothing to do but drink Chocolat Chaud and enjoy the French hotties (Quel Horreur!) and I’m in serious need of very long romance novels, preferably with a good plot line in addition to being a bodice ripper.

Well, I’ll leave this in your capable hands.

First, you might like Almost French: Love and a New Life in Paris about an Aussie lady who marries a Parisian man and learns to cross naturally exuberant Australian friendliness with French culture. It’s hilariously awesome.

But saga romances? I confess I am a complete sucker for one of the first romances I’ve ever read: Blaze Wyndham. It may not be in print or easy to find, but it’s bodice-rippery and saga-licious like damn and what.  What’s your pick? 

The flip side of asking for the good stuff to read? I also need some average to oh-man-that’s-horrid recommendations, too. BUT, if you are not thrilled with the idea of wielding the hammer of “Holy Crap This Stank” against a fellow author, please feel free to But please, hook me up with some truly average to holy-crapdamn-bad category recommendations, too?

Please?

Hello? Anyone?

Bueller? 

UPDATED: Category! I meant Category! Categorically yikky category that you just plain didn’t like.

Note to self: never post while exhausted. Doh! 

As I’ve been working on The Book, I’ve realized that there are woefully large holes in my romance reading education. Never mind that every day is “Help a Bitch Out” day in my brain as I try to remember which plot goes with which title and author name. I am one of those people who remembers the cover image and color scheme more than the names. It’s truly a flaw, but it’s not as bad as my inability to remember numbers. I am a complete mess when trying to remember an address in Manhattan, where there’s building numbers, street numbers, floor numbers, and suite numbers. Forget it. Everyone needs to live on a named avenue.

Anyway, as I’ve confronted these giant gaping embarrassing holes in my romance knowledge, I have decided to do what I usually do when I realize I don’t know about something. I fire up the OCD and start reading and learning as much as I can as fast as I can until my brain says, “ENOUGH. GO WATCH QVC while I percolate!”

So! Here’s my plan: January 2008: I’m going to read category novels. HQ: Presents, SilDesire, Blaze - as many as I can. I’m skipping the Steeple Hill as inspirational romance is another gaping hole to be leaped over at a later date.

(February 2008: Black Romance. Any and all romance featuring African-American protagonists. But I’m not ready to plan that one yet.)

My plan is to read and review as many category novels as I can, though the reviews may be smaller than my normal nattering of many, many words, so that I can not only familiarize myself with as many of these books as possible, but understand how they work and why they comprise such a popular and enduring niche in the romance publishing world. Fortunately for me, my wallet, and my bag (and my back!) I am starting to build an eBook library bit by bit so if I can find some titles online, that makes me a happy Sarah.

If you have any recommendations - series romance past, present, or way, way back in the day - please pass it along. I’m a-hunting a wide sample.

House Rule: You may, of course, recommend your own book, BUT for every one of your own books you mention, you must recommend one by another author.