Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bitchery reader Christine seeks your assistance:

I read this book probably five-ish years ago.  It was an historical set I believe in Maine or another north-eastern state sometime in the 1700 or 1800s.  The captain of a merchant ship makes a marriage of convenience with a young woman through the help of a parish priest or some such religious type person.  The hero needs someone to watch over a nutcase older female relative at his home while he’s away on the ship and the heroine needs to get the hell out of her sister’s (?) house because her husband has been trying to make the moves on her.

The heroine only has gray second hand clothes to wear which bugs the hero.  When he’s away merchanting, he buys a bolt of gray-blue fabric (because it matches the color of the heroine’s eyes) for her to make a dress out of but then he ends up giving it to his mistress who he of course declines to sleep with anymore.  He then purchases a yellow dress and matching hat and brings it back to the heroine, but the nutcase older female relative (who incidentally is a klepto and ends up stealing a bunch of stuff around the house and sewing the stolen goods into quilts) thinks the dress is for her and takes it.  The heroine is very touched by the gifts though and I think this scene ends with their first kiss.

The heroine ends up spending a lot of time with one of the hero’s friends while the hero is away.  The hero misunderstands the situation and gets jealous.  Eventually everything gets sorted out, the nutjob relative dies and the hero and heroine live HEA with the heroine traveling with the hero on his ship.

I thought I remembered the title of the book being ‘The Captain’s Wife’ but I’ve done numerous searches on the internet and come up with bupkiss.  If someone could tell me the title or author, I would be greatly appreciative.

Bitchery Reader Susan wrote:

I’m a fairly new reader to your website, and when I saw the “help a bitch out” category, I could not resist. I read a book back in my angsty adolescent days, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what the title of it is!  Here is the description:

A young woman (who is, apparently, of marriageable age) is orphaned, and left a great deal of money by her parents. Unfortunately, the money is left in the hands of an unscrupulous man (cannot remember his name) who is to hold on to it until she turns a certain age. Well, Unscrupulous Man tries to rape Orphan Child-Woman in order to force her to marry him (I guess he adheres to the “You poke it, you own it” crap), so he will get the money when she turns of age. She manages to escape, but only after languishing and whimpering for a ridiculously long time, while he arouses himself (I think he was old, it was set in the days before Viagra). Orphan Child-Woman runs away, and starts a home for girls somewhere in a distant village/town (I think it was a home for ravished girls at that, but I can’t be sure).

Needless to say, Handsome Wealthy Man shows up, and he and Orphan Child-Woman (who is a woman by now) fall in love. Unbeknownst to the happy couple, Unscrupulous Man has sent Unscrupulous Son to find Orphan Child-Woman.

To make a long (-ish) story short: Unscrupulous Son turns on Unscrupulous Man, allowing Handsome Wealthy Man to marry Orphan Child-Woman, who tells Unscrupulous (now Scrupulous) Son that he has “grown a chin.” (whatever that means). They all live happily ever after, all three of them, with a house full of (possibly) de-flowered women.

I know, I know, this is the most ridiculous storyline, but I know this book exists. If no one can identify it, I shall let it remain in the deep recesses of the back of my mind, where, in all probability, it should stay.

Unscrupulous Man? Orphaned Woman and Potential Rape Victim? Handsome Wealthy Honorable Man? It’s like a party of stock historical characters - and I so want an invite. I pray someone is wearing a pelisse. And that one of you can I.D. this book. 

Bitchery reader Ciar Cullen wrote:

I’ve been trying to figure out the name of a shapeshifting romance that’s now pretty old. Maybe smarter bitches can tell me. It’s pretty hackneyed stuff--a cabin in the woods--I can’t remember why the woman ends up there. Surely she’s running from something in her past.

She sees (or hears) a white wolf. She meets a man, who ultimately tells her he’s the wolf. He’s handsome, etc., and the sex is good, so she overlooks the fact that he’s a wolf.

I remember reading this one and thinking WTF? A guy is a wolf? Who the hell reads this stuff? It was very Nora Roberts-ish in the writing, in fact Nora was about the only person I read back then, so I’m wondering if it was possibly her? Can we blame her for this seemingly unending trend?

Can you help? I’d love to read it again, because I think it’s a precursor to a genre I loathe. I want to see if I still think it’s ridiculous. I hate cabin-in-the-woods with wolves stories.

Ciar tells me this book is at least 10 years old, and may be among the first werewolf books published. So - ring any bells?

Bitchery Reader Amanda asks for your brilliant assistance:

I never actually read this book, but I read the excerpt in the back of another romance and thought "that sounds fun in a melodramatic family soap opera sort of way" and told myself I'd pick it up on my next trip to the bookstore. Except I forgot. And by the time I remembered the book the excerpt had been in had been weeded out of my romance collection.

So here's what I remember: contemporary, takes place in the Pacific Northwest (part of me would swear to Oregon, but its highly possible it's either Washington or Northern California too). Girl was in love with her older sister's boyfriend for years, older sister went off to conquer the world, boyfriend and younger sister have a Night of Passion that results in pregnancy. They get married. Now, ten years later, they're getting divorced/have been recently divorced despite the fact that she's still desperately in love with him. To top it off, her older sister's coming home for the first time in years!

Our heroine was named Allison and I think her sister was Terra or Tessa. I also distinctly remember the hero being quietly angry in the first chapter because Allison showed up early to pick up their daughter.

I think it might be a Barbara Delinsky, but again, I wouldn't swear to it.

Ring a bell anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Bitchery reader Natalie writes:

I am hoping that somewhere in someone’s brain, that they know the book I am about to describe.

I read it in the late 1980’s and it was a series book (either Harlequin or Silhouette). The heroine of the story’s best friend has just died and said best friend left orders that the heroine go through the crap in the attic and decide what to toss and what to keep.

The heroine is reluctant to do this because once upon a time ago, she and the hero (who married the best friend) had a tempetous affair.  Of course she goes and tries to ignore studly hero while also befriending the hero and best friend’s son.

Of course they end up jumping into bed together and before anyone can blink, there’s a knock on the door. You guessed it, secret baby plot! Secret baby is now a teen (I think his name is Tyler) and angry and sullen. Of course, the hero figures out it’s his kid in like two seconds and chaos ensues for a brief while.

The hero and heroine eventually get married and I think there was snorkeling or scuba diving on their honeymoon. (There’s more to the honeymoon, but I can’t really remember what).

They settle back home and she returns to the attic and finds a letter from the best friend saying basically that she didn’t really care what happened to her stuff, she just used it as an excuse to bring the heroine there. She goes on to write that she knew something had happened between the heroine and the hero and gives them her blessing to be together.

Does this sound familiar at all?