Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bitchery reader Elizabeth asks for help - and when I wrote back I had to say, she might have described at least 16 different old-school romance novels with this one. But let’s see if we can come up with a short list for her to go hunting for this vintage romance:

I have been wondering about a book I ran across in my friend’s summer cabin when I was about 14. I glanced through it long enough to go “Are the fucking kidding me?” and giggle over the sex scenes under the covers, but didn’t really read it. Now I’m having a fit of nostalgia over how awful it was and want to look it up again.

The heroine was a lady of some respectability, but met the hero in circumstances that made him think she wasn’t, I THINK but am not sure. He had an amazingly loyal servant of some sort who helped him kidnap the heroine and put her in a box on a train (maybe a train) they were riding on. I remember this because there was a brief panic when it was realized that she was in a trunk with no air holes, and she was rather worse for wear because of it. The hero also had some sort of drug that made the heroine mad with lust, and he used it on her a few times before realizing he kind of liked her and decided not to use it again, but then the butler gave it to her and that Broke Her Trust. The only remedy was to have lots and lots of sex, I think.

Isn’t the proper remedy in a romance novel ALWAYS to have lots and lots of sex? I mean, really. It’s the best remedy for everything. 

Bitchery reader Cher sent me the following message - it doesn’t ring any bells with me, but I didn’t read a lot of Belle romance. Anyone who has a better talent for remembering plots and titles AND a taste for Civil War romance care to help Cher out?

Hey, I read a Romantic Novel many years ago.  The Story was based in the south, I think during the Civil war.  The heroine was a somewhat overweight useless southern belle.  Her husband became disgusted by her and left (maybe to go to war, the details are sketchy) She had to run the plantation by herself....she began to actually work and use her body and became svelt in the process, also gained some self respect and esteem.  When the husband came back he wanted her back but she was having nothing of the feckless, faithless man.
Does this book ring a bell with you two experts?  I loved it but can not remember the name of the book or the author.  I have seriously searched for YEARS for this book....any thoughts?

While I was pregnant I didn’t have 2 hours to spare to sit and watch a movie. Now I’m home, on painkillers, and forced by my sexy new incision to spend a good amount of time sitting. Since Baba O’Riley likes to sit with me, it’s not bad, but let me be honest: as usual I have 900 channels and there’s nothing on. And the percocet makes it difficult for me to read and pay attention. I either end up staring at the words blankly or I pass out.

So, while I’m recovering, I figure I’ll watch some movies. But I don’t think I’ve watched a movie in 2 years - so I am at a loss. What’s your recommendation for romantic films (on the comedic side please - I am wickedly hormonal after all) that you’ve enjoyed? 

Here’s a new one - it’s a “Help a Bitch Out” for my own selfish needs. I’m home sick in bed (and all of my cats think this is purely a reason for me to pet them. I have four cats and two arms - it’s getting hairy over here) and am rather nauseated. Ergo I’m not reading anything - or wearing glasses or opening my eyes much, since doing so tends to make me want to boof. (No, I’m not in labor- baby is fine).

So I’m surfing Audible.com to download something to listen to, since I’m not sleepy but not really willing to use my eyeballs. Which romances-on-tape or even audio performers have you liked recently? I’m eager to listen to something - but holy cow, there’s a lot to choose from. Bring on the recommendations!

Bitchery reader Jocelynne sent me the following request for assistance from our well-read readership:

I’ve noticed in the past that when someone needs a recommendation you all are pretty good about providing some very fine recomendations.  I’ve also noticed that you have a vast knowledge of and fine appreciaton for YA novels.  Now here’s the thing, I have a sister, a half sister really, and at 16 she is almost young enough to be my own child.  We don’t know a lot about each other, and I certainly have some trouble knowing how to connect.  However, I know that she likes Meg Cabot tons and tons—or did in the past—and I would like to try sending her a little packet of books.

My understanding is that my sister has read all the young adult ones but not the adult ones.  I guess she especially loved the Princess Diaries.  Honestly, I am so unfamiliar with YA and Meg Cabot, I don’t know if that helps.

[O]ur father died a year ago.  The anniversary or his death is coming up and I would like the book(s) to be something that will be helpful for her at this time.  I know for me that books have always been an invaluable source of strength, learning, and comfort in times of pain and stress.  As I mentioned, I’m not the best at connecting here but I figured a couple of good books would at least let her know I care and I’m thinking about her.

It’s like “Help a Bitch Out: Extreme Makeover Home Edition.” We’ll all get teary reading that, eh?

So, help a Bitch out - we need Cabot-esque YA, or at least books that are of the spirit and style of the Princess Diaries.

Shall I start off by suggesting Adiós to my Old Life? I’d recommend that, since there’s certainly an uplifting element to the story, and it’s about a girl who lost a parent. What else would you suggest for the ultimate most awesome YA care package?