Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

OK, you know that horrible, horrible, tawdry and really skin-crawlingly revolting song by Heart that I can’t even name because just READING the title puts that earworm bastard in your head for the next six to eight weeks? The one about the one night stand that ends up in a pregnancy because the chick wanted a baby and so she banged some guy on the side of the road? No, wait, you like that song? I will pay you cash money not to sing it to me because I cannot stand it and it stays in my head for years. Oh, crap, I can hear it right now in the back of my mind… MAKE IT STOP.

Anyway, my mental torture notwithstanding, I have a HaBO from Suzanne, and while it doesn’t involve a pregnancy, it does sound very close to that creep-ass song:

I have been amazed at how well the Bitchery can determine a book from minimal hints, and wondered if you would be so kind as to ask them about a book I read years ago (probably early eighties, and I think I got it out of a bag of books my Mom kept). I was a young mother staying at home with the kids at the time, and was very caught up in reading romances (still am!).  I don’t think it was a category book.

All I remember is an attractive woman whose car breaks down while she is driving in the country, and she is stranded and rescued by a handsome guy (of course).  He takes her back to his cabin (or country house?), and of course they have a romantic encounter; she knows everything about him, but she doesn’t tell him anything about herself...very mysterious.  Of course, she is gone in the a.m. when he wakes.  He searches, she hides, etc. etc., then they finally meet at a party or something, and it turns out she is unhappily married to an older guy.  Thus the conflict, as he feels betrayed, yada, yada, and I remember vaguely, I think the old guy gets sick or dies, and anyway, after much hurt feelings and conflict, they get together.

Wow, can’t believe anyone will be able to tell me the name of this book from such a miserable bit of info, but would really love to read it again.

Do you think they can help??

Does this ring a bell? Anyone? Wait, what’s that you’re humming? STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. 

Reader Tibbles writes:

I’m looking for two books given to me several years ago in a box of books from a friend’s older lady neighbor.  When my hubby and I moved a bunch of my books ended up wet and molded and got thrown out while I wasn’t around to write down fav titles.

The book starts in England with the female being in business or something (Historical).  She ends up sleeping with the hero because he catches her at something she isn’t supposed to do.  She ends up sick wherever he took her and he and she have sex before he realizes its not just an excuse.  They go their separate ways and then end up meeting up at a party some time later.  Their one day of “pleasure” has resulted in pregnancy.  He forces a marriage and they move to America.  Someone comes back and attempts to blackmail her.  At first I had thought it was the Flame and the Flower (Woodiwiss) but when I bought that book, it turned out not to be.  Help!

The second book starts in somewhere like Maryland during the revolutionary war.  The h lead female is nicknamed Cottontop because of her hair.  The hero marries her to save her or something.  Hero is later thought dead while she is moved to New York.  Ends up with another guy.  Hero comes back alive.  They end up in Cuba or somewhere like that at one point.  Hope it’s enough facts for someone to help!

You get TWO, that’s TWO Habo’s for the price of one! And as usual, first person to guess one or the other within the first 1 or 2 comments receives Smart Bitch Title, guaranteed to cut through a tomato and never, ever get dull. 

Bitchery reader Vicki writes:

I was wondering if you guys know any websites that sell romance novels in Greek?

My mum is desperate for more Harlequin (or Arlekin as they are known) and other romance books.  Winter is fast approaching here in Australia, and she’s threatening to go (more) insane with no books to tide her over on those long cold(ish) nights; one can only knit so many scarves.

She’s cleaned out the local libraries, and the foreign language bookshop sells those Harlequins for around 25-30 bucks each.  Seeing as she reads one of these suckers a day, that just aint gonna happen.

Anyone got any ideas? And I have a question, too: do Greek language readers want to read about the Greek Tycoon’s Secret Baby or the Greek’s Virgin Mistress? Or does the nationality change? Maybe it’s The Canadian’s Frosty Virgin?

Bitchery reader Eleanor is looking for an author who published under several names, but hasn’t been seen recently:

I’ve been trying to track down the historical romance author Stella Riley and I wonder if you can help me. Back in the 1980s and 1990s she published under the pen names Stella Riley, Anna Marsh and Juliet Blythe; her books included Garland of Straw, Black Madonna, Lucifer’s Champion, Splendid Defiance and The Marigold Chain. As far as I can tell she worked with Fontana, Severn House and Headline, but the latter axed her halfway through a four-book series, at which point she dropped off the face of the earth. Could you possibly shine a light on this for a frustrated fan? Any help greatly appreciated!

Barb Deane’s site doesn’t have any information - do y’all know what’s up?

Bitchery reader Sarah (so many of us, how awesome!) writes:

It’s always pleasant to find people who take romance novels the same way I do—with big grains of salt all around the rim of the margarita glass.  I’ve spent the last few days going through the archives and laughing myself silly over the book cover snarks, hoping all the while that nobody in the house asked me what was so funny.  Then I discovered the Help a Bitch Out column, and knew where I could get a question answered that’s been plaguing me for years.

I’m looking for a book that I only read the preview for in the back of another novel.  I thought the book I read the preview in was a reprint of “A Kingdom of Dreams” by Judith McNaught ca. 2000, but no dice.  The preview in that one is for “Night Whispers”, and what I read was paranormal/medieval.

The preview I remember had the heroine being knocked unconscious in the present day, and somehow transported back to the middle ages.  She awakes to find herself in a huge bed in a castle, with a large and threatening man looming over her.  He’s pretty pissed off by the fact that she was unconscious, and lets her know it.  It appears that the heroine has done a Quantum Leap maneuver and is betrothed to the tall, dark guy with anger issues.  Neither of them is happy about it.

And that’s where my memory peters out, probably because that’s where the preview ended.

The heroine may have been knocked unconscious in a car accident in the present day and in a horse riding accident in olden times as she fled her bridegroom.  Her medieval counterpart may also have been a recalcitrant, uncooperative bitch, and that’s why angry man is the way he is.  Angry man was also pretty clearly the hero.

It wasn’t a serial or category romance, but seemed to be by a major author and was well-written.

I’m currently too confused by my lack of memory and too uncaffeinated by my lack of that demon brew, coffee, to think of a clever alias for myself should this appear in your blog, so if you’d like to manufacture one, feel free.  If you’d like to run wild in the fields of romance and name me after a mineral, vegetable and/or songbird, I quiver (QUIVER!) in anticipation.

Tall dark and medieval? BOO YAH. Anyone know this book?