Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Many adventures ensue. There is a stint in a traveling circus, a ride on a zeppelin, a meeting with three mysterious sisters, and an encounter with a famous artist (abstract or surrealist, definitely not representational). All of this is background for the main story, which involves a mystery solved by K and a famous female literary figure (a Bronte? Virginia Woolf? V.C. Andrews?) who is inspired by the events to write what will become her first novel.

Early in the book, there is a love triangle in which K becomes involved with a lighthouse keeper, a pirate, and a vampire (love square? love rhombus?) Apparently none of these affairs comes to fruition, as K ends up married and wearing a burquah in Iran (Afghanistan?) where she learns in a heartfelt, tender way the firsthand misery of life behind the veil. (Personally, I think it's likely that the patron is mixing the plot of two or more books. She's a regular and there is some medical history involved although she is one of our most devoted readers. So if part of this doesn't fit, please pass along your suggestions anyway.)

The patron describes the tone of the book as a "vivid, fast-paced historical romp with lyrical, nuanced prose." She says the writing is compelling and evocative, much like the works of Thackeray, Proust, or Robert Heinlein (!?), but with a youthful, angsty quality. (I added "with overtones of green apple, a soupcon of vanilla, playful hints of elderberry, and an earthy finish" as a little joke, but she just said "no, it was more spicy than fruity.")

She remembers the cover as sepia or gray in color, with red lettering. There was a picture of a woman (presumably K) but not a complete picture. It may, in fact, have been a picture of only her feet. One of the words in the title may have been a day of the week, or a month, or a season and at the time she read it, she remembers thinking that the title as a whole reminded her of a band name or a popular song title.

If all that weren't complicated enough, the patron thinks the book might be based on a true story or contained elements of memoir (get in line on that one, huh?) The patron swore that the book was co- written by James Patterson. I told her this last bit was unlikely, and that regardless, this information would not help us limit the search.

After several searches, I'm unable to locate the book. (Or books?) The patron would also like to read books like this one, but I must confess, I'm stumped about where to start there as well. Any ideas?

Shit happens (financial ruin?) and Dupe takes off to America, not returning quickly enough for Dimwit Young Mother, who takes the now 12-or-so-year-old girl, dresses them both as lads (sigh), and buys them passage to America in search of Dupe. More shit happens (discovery, pirates, storms), and eventually girl winds up in Africa, as bride to tribal king’s son. Happily preggers, she ends up getting beaten by rival tribe, losing baby, almost dying, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Slavers come and steal her whole tribe, and she ends up… (here it’s fuzzy)?? In a harem?? YES! That’s it! She ends up in a harem, because she finds her mother there. Whatever. Several hundred pages of more shit happening, all the while determined to find her male family again.

I do know that she eventually ends up in the good ol’ USofA, falls in love with Random Guy. Despite this, she goes back to England, where Prince Regent falls for her, too (ew). There’s a third guy, too, I think in all of this, one of those ‘husband back from the dead’ sorts of things. WAY too many men to remember.

But the girl finds her twin brothers eventually, by way of a red-stoned ring that one of them has. Much rejoicing, and eating of Sir Robin’s minstrels ensues.

She eventually has to choose amongst her vast number of lovers/suitors (why, I don’t know), picks Random Guy (I think), moves to America, has surgery to repair uterine damage done by tribal beating (how convenient that she had birth control for all those years and all those men!), and promptly pushes out many sets of twins and triplets.

Now, even as a quite young woman, my shitemeter was way off the charts for this one. But the author actually claimed in her afterword that the whole story was true, taken from a bible and a diary that were found in the false bottom of a cradle that she found in the attic of an old house. Uh-huh. Riiight.

I could have sworn that the book was named “Elise” after the heroine, but I’ve searched that name and come up with nothing. If any at the bitchery could help, I’d dearly love to see if this book is as gawdawful as I remember.

Holy cowpokes, Batman. That’s just tripe inside a crunchy taco shell of holy shit. Somebody know what this book is?

What we would do is write a synopsis of the book, explaining the characters and their goals (the character has to have some kind of goal in life, or be so down that they think nothing is left, but then find a surprise that makes it all better).  I have to make a plot summary, including a more detailed description of the climax (not the sexual one) and the conclusion of the story. 

For the Japan side, it would be great to have a character start at a personal low, then their life improves during the novel, then move to a euphoric high at the end.  The bigger the gap in their personal growth and happiness, the more the Japanese like the story.  In Japan, there is an overabundance of shy girls, so they tend to relate to that character.  However, they also like to see the overly outgoing character, as it shows them something they wish they were.  They tend to like characters of those extremes.

I really appreciate your help with this, and kindly let me know what the American novel readers love, since I’m hoping to look into that as well.

So - what do you think? What American stories of low-to-high emotional and/or euphoria might work, in your opinion? What books do you love that you think would make great manga?

UPDATE: Michael contacted me to let me know he’s received a few inquiries asking how one might submit recommendations. He says:

First, please send an email to with the subject: Manga, Manga, Manga!

Basically, we want the following information.  It doesn’t have to be overly detailed, but the more so it is, the more serious of a recommendation we would consider it.

Hard Facts:
- Top seller position
- Good reviews
- Official ratings

Intro:
- Main Characters
- Goals
- Personality
- Plot summary
- How character strives for goals
- Brief list of accomplishments / failures
- Brief synopsis of book

Climax
- What is the high point of the story?

Conclusion

Thanks!