Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bitchery reader adb is impressed with your sleuthing abilities - and asks for your help identifying a book she read when she was 12:

It was a really, really weird book in that it had two distinct subplots. There was the cute romantic comedy subplot, which I remember more clearly, and the weeeird space-opera-y lasers 'n' spells subplot. I can't remember which was the "main" plot, or even if they shared airtime, but the spacey one had something to do with finding the long-lost prince or princess or something of this kingdom that was falling apart. The hero was the one who was involved in all this, and the heroine was the one who didn't know about it (though she eventually found out).

The story flipped between the hero and the heroine's viewpoints. The first time they met, they hated each other. (Of course.) Then the hero went back to his house and realized that he'd fallen madly in love with her and was really angry about it. Then they somehow met later at a fantasy/sci fi convention (oooh, meta!) and wacky things happened, and somehow alien porn was involved. The alien porn sticks in my mind for some reason. The hero's ex-girlfriend popped in, but she was nice and not meddlesome like most exes are, and she was also involved in the long-lost-prince part of the plot. Then some Horrible Magical Sickness befell the heroine, and the hero wigged out because he'd realized that she was his True Luuurve, and some stuff happened that I forget and she got better and they got married and raised ducks. In a pond in their kitchen. The End. Oh, and they found the prince in the end, I'm pretty sure.

The really neat thing that I remember is that the heroine was really average-looking. She was fat and wore glasses, and she was a tough little cuss in general. That's all I remember, though.

Average looking with magical sickness and ducks? Not-your-typical-heroine? COOL. Anyone remember the book?

Bitchery reader Franziska has a request for help that made me laugh out loud.

So my husband doesn’t quite respect romance as a genre. However, in a state of drunkenness he confessed to me, that he actually read a romance novel several years ago. And he really enjoyed it! He remembers that there were pirates, the heroine was somehow affiliated with them, maybe adopted? The hero was maybe an earl and pursuing the pirates.

My husband is sure that it was a funny book and the father of the girl was stealing several items from the hero, including the hero’s mother “for safe keeping”. It was most likely part of a series, but aren’t they all? The husband thinks the author was Janet Daily, but my research was so far negative. I would like to find the books and give as a Christmas present to my wonderful husband (maybe he’ll get inspired and plays pirates with me)

When I read pirates, heroine, and earl, I thought immediately of The Windflower, but the heroine’s father didn’t steal the hero’s mother so far as I know. But wow. Find a romance for a reader’s Hubby? That’s awesome! 

Bitchery reader Erin asks for help with this book, which she’s weary of describing to confused employees at bookstores:

The book takes place in the mid-late 1800s either in the Colorado or Texas territory and the heroine is a female doctor.  Her father has some standing in the town if I recall correctly and somehow she is pushed into a marriage with a wealthy man, who I believe is a British Lord that has headed west to put down roots and develop a farm/ranching/something of that nature.  The two start off at odds due to their preconceived notions of one another and the hero’s difficulty dealing with his wife’s profession.  I also remember a particularly emotional scene where the hero is angry with his wife for being out all night as he was very worried about her and when she finally comes home it’s with the news that the baby she went to deliver didn’t make it.  I believe this was part of the turning point in their relationship and when he begins to support her more staunchly.  Of course, they eventually accept one another and truly fall in love.

Based on when I read this book and its setting, I’m betting that it was a mid-90s book probably through Avon or Zebra/Kensington.  I seem to vaguely remember a clinch cover (shocker, I know), maybe with a pink and yellow cover and blonde heroine?  Please help me as going into every used paperback bookstore I can find and describing this is beginning to get embarrassing.

Sounds rather powerful, if sad. Anyone recognize it? 

Bitchery reader Jana has few details but needs some help:

I was so excited when I discovered the "Help a Bitch Out" column and I'm hoping you or the readers can clear up a mystery for me! I sadly have little details about the book in question but have noticed that this hasn't stopped you guys before!

Here's what I know....(or what I think I know!). I think this book has to be the first in a series. I'm thinking it's a group of sisters and I remember a tussle on the beach that was the dramatic finale of the book...This is what leads me to think it's a series....I believe one of the "sisters" leaves with a pirate? I'm thinking this could be a Victoria Alexander or Christina Dodd? I'm dying to re-read this book and also to continue on if it IS a series! Help!!!

Tussle on a beach - I assume it's not From Justin To Kelly. At least, I hope not.

Bitchery reader MplsGirl asks for help with a romantic story she read in fifth grade. Seriously. I barely remember fifth grade itself, much less what I read. Now I'm sitting here pondering my fifth grade teacher's name. Not a clue.

But MplsGirl, she remembers these details of the story that set her on the path of historical romance fandom:

As a 5th grader I came across a romantic story in the library that I've always wanted to find again. It's old--written pre-1970s I would guess; the hardcover book looked ragged and worn when I read it in 1984. It was completely tame as far as romance novels go, but it was one of two books that led me on the path to becoming a romance reader for life. I have zero ideas about the title and author.

Set in either England or Scandinavia, might be Vikings, definitely is sword-wielding knights or warriors, set in a castle.

About a nobleman's daughter--I think she has long blond hair and is 12 or 13, probably--who is betrothed to a knight and she must prepare for the bethrothal ceremony where she has to walk down the aisle with a chalice filled with wine and they both sip from it.

She has sisters, her mom and sisters help train her for the ceremony. Told from the girl's POV, though I don't think it's first person.

The story is mostly about her learning of the betrothal and her fear, preparation for the betrothal ceremony, how scared she is that she'll screw it up, hopeful that her future husband is nice/attractive, etc. (Like I said, it's tame.) She's freaked out about spilling the wine as she walks down the aisle.

Can't remember if it ends at the ceremony or if they get to know one another. Not even sure if they kiss one another in the book. Have been curious about finding this book for a long time now.

The memory of this book is part of what got me hooked on historicals as a teenager--I scoured the library a few years after I first came across it, reading anything medieval, viking, knight-related in the hope of coming across it.

Any help the SB community can provide would be much appreciated.