Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Annie Dean writes:

Maybe the Bitchery can help me out.

When I was like 18, I was totally into those campy old 80’s Harlequin Present books.

I would love to re-read this one, but I can’t remember title or author. It was set in Australia (or maybe New Zealand?). They’re a wealthy family, and they own like a bazillion miles of land on this ranch. The heroine has come back after being away at university. The hero is her uber-alpha stepbrother, and he had a super weird name like Kano, or something stranger than that even. She brings a boy home with her, which really causes some trouble. The hero has had the hots for the heroine since longer than was appropriate, and he’s all YOU ARE MY WOMAN NOW, EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A SPOILED BRAT. And she, of course, fights it, and does stupid shit.

Damn, if I could remember the name, I would so buy it.

You think anyone out there would know the name of this?

Step-cest on the Outback, maybe? Help a Bitch Out - anyone know this title? 

So it’s one week till national, and I’m pulling my hair.
I’m still trying to decide on what shoes I will wear.
Pregnant feet get so swollen,
They’ll each want a Croc,
but with all that “business casual,”
They don’t want to be mocked!

And meanwhile Sarah, as big as a barn,
will waddle the hotel with a parka on.
She hears that the A/C in Dallas is arctic,
But with 90+ humidity, that cold is cathartic!

The FAQ online recommends tote bags and pens
and business cards and goodies and a stack of Depends.
You might not have time to go relieve yourself
while loading up on 612,573,870 books for your shelf!

So what are your tips and your gems of experience,
for those whose prep work has made them delirious?
And who’s going to National? Who’ll be at the Hyatt?
With both the SBs there? It will be a riot!

Seriously, folks - what are your tips for RWA National? What little gem of brilliance did you learn at a past conference? What do you do to preserve your feet? Your makeup? Your sanity?

While I’ve never been to National, here are my tips :

1. Download the Conference Schedule of events from the RWA site and print it out. Take it to your nearest copy machine and reduce it so that 4 pages fit on one 8x11 sheet of paper. Cut them up, staple together - and presto: a very, very small and very portable version of the RWA Conference Schedule that takes up a LOT less room in your bag.

2. If you see an itty bitty booklight or similar book light apparatus as a giveaway, grab it. I got one at the RWA-NJ conference two years ago and we use it all the time. And what do we use it for? When Freebird was a newborn and in a basinette in our room, we used it to light our way toward making his late night bottle without turning on the lights and waking everyone up. The dim light from the booklight let the other one of us sleep while we switched off on night feeding duty without getting out of bed. Those booklights? I love them so much I start crying hormonally when I see them. It’s kind of sad.

3. Make sure to identify all the nearest ladies’ rooms, keeping in mind that the closest ladies’ room may be behind you. This is probably my biggest concern, but then, I fully plan on pitching to every editor and agent that walks in the ladies’ because I’ll be in there anyway most of the time already, just for fun. They’ll dread going in in case that crazy pregnant lady is in there waiting to pitch them a book about alien sanitation workers kidnapping women bike messengers for toe-orgies in Oklahoma.

So, Bitchery conference-goers - what’s your advice for the rest of us?

Bitchery Reader Taylor has illuminated the BitchSignal to ask for help with an innovative request for assistance. Alert, Bitchery at Large: It’s Road Trip Time!

I was hoping the Bitchery could help me out. I’m planning a driving tour of the UK next spring and am stopping at all the places featured in some of my favorite historical romance novels. However, I would love to add another three or twelve books to my list of places to visit. Right now I’m researching locations in: the random, un-pinpoint-able Highlands of Julie Garwood; Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander; Gaelen Foley’s The Duke and Lord of Fire; Mary Balogh’s stories set in Bath; whatever area I find in some Judith McNaught books (haven’t read those in awhile, so I don’t know if there is anything useful in them or not); all the normal places in London like Almack’s and Gunter’s and White’s. I’m also going to Sherwood Forest to see how spooky it really is(n’t).

So, my question is...does the Bitchery have some omgFAVorite historical romances that include some interesting locations other than London? I’ve emailed some of the authors whose books I’m referencing and they have been great about giving me additional ideas and suggestions. If the Bitchery can help out, that just makes it so much better!!!!

If I could drive for more than an hour without having to make a pit stop, I’d be on that trip myself. That sounds awesome. So get out your Bitch Map - where would you send Taylor? 

Another reader needs our help, O Readers! Reader Brianne has the following description of the book she lost:

I’m sure you don’t remember every book, but I was hoping either you or your readers could help me find the name/author of a book - my very first romance novel to be exact. I found it stuffed in a drawer in my sister’s guest room and started reading out of sheer boredom, but never finished the book. I slowly started to get into the genre and find myself wondering how that very first story ended. Here’s everything I can remember from the book:

The woman trying to escape an unwanted betrothal is travelling to live with some female relation who is married and a new mother. A big storm closes a road and she is forced to spend a few nights in a small country inn. The inn is owned by the family of some nobleman who, oh so coincidentally, finds himself stranded in the same storm. They meet, spend 3 days entertaining each other, then the road opens back up and they each continue their journeys. She makes it to her relation’s house, longs for him, etc. Some time later (I skipped ahead, I admit, too much pining boring introspection) he finds her, or she finds him, or her relation’s husband finds him....I don’t know, somehow they meet up again, he takes her away on a long carriage ride to...somewhere.

That’s as far as I got in the book. I can’t help but wonder how it ended, did they get their HEA and whatnot? If y’all could point me in the right direction, that’d be fantastic!

I suggested Mary Balogh’s Slightly Wicked, since it seemed extremely similar to this book, but that wasn’t it. Any of you other bitches have any ideas?

Reader Julie writes in with a question about a long-forgotten book that she hopes the well-read Bitchery can help her with. Here are the details she can remember:

Twins, separated at birth (of course) One twin was raised with the birth family, the other was raised by someone else. The story is from the view of the twin raised outside of the family.

Some family drama-bomb drops, and the twin who has not been raised with her family must now go to Louisiana (or some other swampy state) to meet with her family.

She meets her twin sister, who is, of course, a vapid twat who cares nothing for the new twin and is just generally annoying.

There’s something about a family owned theatre in which the climax takes place. In the climax, the vapid twat is redeemed.

Sound familiar? Can anyone help her out?