Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bitchery reader Nancy asks for help:

I’ve recently been loving your help a bitch out service and I was hoping to submit a request. Unfortunately I don’t think these have enough detail for anyone to figure out what book this is, but I hope you and your readers will rise to the challenge.

It was one of those Harlequin historical type romances that was about 190 pages. Not sure of the exact time period. There’s an army retreating across Russia - or somewhere in Europe and they come upon an inn where there’s a dead old lady and her young companion. The girl goes with the army and falls in love with the captain/major/guy in charge.

That’s about as obscure as a description can get. Reads like one of my “Guess That Lonely Heart” ads, almost. Anyone got an idea?

Bitchery reader Susan asks for help again, because you are so good at this, it’s scary:

This one is a mystery, in both the literal and book genre sense! The book is about a rich young woman in either the mid to late 1800’s or the early 1900s, who does some detective work on the side and has aspirations of going to college. Needless to say, her parents are not happy about such lofty goals for their little darling, wanting instead that she settle down and get married, and preferably not to the married detective, nor the rich rapscallion-playboy, both of whom Rich Sleuth Woman has met and fallen in love with in her numerous adventures (this book is in a series, but I never read the first few books).

Soon, Rich Sleuth Woman teams up with Married Detective Man to solve the murders of several women in the town. All of the women have been strangled with ladies’ stockings (ooh la-la!), though none appear to be ravished. Along the sleuthing trail, our heroine finds that Married Detective Man is unhappy with his wife, and either she wants to leave him, or he wants to leave her. Rich Sleuth Woman’s heart is all a-flutter at this news, but doesn’t really believe that the marriage will dissolve.

Meantime, Rich Rapscallion-Playboy re-enters the picture, and has scintillating intentions for Miss Rich Sleuth Woman! He seduces her with kisses and promises of dirty-skank sex in his office, though he refuses to consummate the deal until she agrees to marry him. This confuses the now hot and bothered Rich Sleuth Woman, because Rich Rapscallion-Playboy usually screws anything that moves.

So who does Rich Sleuth Woman choose? Does she follow her heart or her naughty bits? And who is strangling the women?

I don’t remember! I need your help so I can re-read it and find out!

Bitchery reader Lisa wants to commit a treasonous act of cruelty. So she asks our help. Duh.

I have long since been impressed with ability of the Bitchery to identify titles from the merest scraps of information.  Now, I find myself in need of their encyclopedic knowledge.

Some backstory; every year, my best friend and I celebrate the anniversary of when ... well, when we became best friends.  Part of this celebration includes sending each other a tasteful floral arrangement and the tackiest gift we can possibly find.  I would like to give her a copy of one of the worst books I’ve ever read—not THE worst, because that would be a Cassie Edwards title, and the gift is supposed to be tacky, not cruel.  Unfortunately, I can only remember certain plot elements of this book, few names, and of course, I have no idea who the author was or what it was called.  It wasn’t even a proper romance, it was more along the lines of a ‘saga book’ in which there is a main family and multiple plot lines.

Here is what little I remember:

- I have a strong impression that it was part of a series
- I have a strong impression it took place on an island, possibly in the West Indies.  I seem to remember sugar cane.
- The daughter of the main family was kidnapped during a slave revolt, and ended up living with an escaped slave.  I believe her name was Melissa.  She dies before the end of the book, but her son by the slave comes to see her family at the very end.
- The husband of that family has a slave mistress, who is pregnant at the same time the man’s wife is supposedly pregnant.  After the mistress gives birth, the wife kills her and passes off the baby boy as her own (she was faking her pregnancy).  Later on, for reasons I don’t remember (she may have had another son) she sells the boy into slavery.
- There was a recently widowed father, whose wife was half-African, the product of an impetuous daughter of the ruling house who took a slave for a lover.  The daughter had two children who were ashamed of their mother’s heritage.
- There was a lot of sex, and a lot of violence, and it was truly a terribly written book
- I remember reading it in the mid-eighties, but I think it was a used copy my mom got from the used bookstore, so it’s likely older than that.

If the Bitchery can help me discover the name of this awful book, I would be forever grateful.  With any luck, I may be able to track it down, but if not, there’s always Cassie Edwards.

Man, just reading that description leaves me in despair. Yeesh. Poor friend. 

Bitchery reader Le asks for help:

I’ve realized that you and your readers are better at IDing books than I am at eating dark chocolate.  I became a romance convert when I was 11 years old and my first romance was a historical romance, something medieval, I think.  The only things I remember about the book are:  1) The heroine was wrapped up in some kind of rug/carpet/blanket and unrolled for a king or ruler or duke or something of the sort and her love interest was there (maybe he WAS the one she was being presented to - I can’t remember!) and of course, utterly overcome with a need to jump her bones.  2) I believe his name was Miles.  3) There was some sort of a lover’s picnic they had by themselves and for some reason, I remember them eating grapes out of golden plates (I was probably hungry at the time I read this part of the book).  4) I think there was something special about her hair - it was really long and pale.

I know it sounds vague and weird, but I’m hoping it’s just weird enough for someone to help me find out the title.  I’ve looked online for it, but you’d be amazed at how unsuccessful googling “miles naked carpet romance book” is.

I read it 9 years ago and I would love to know what book it was because even though it sounds rather bizarre to me now, well, it was my first and you know how they say everyone’s first time is special!

I love the “she was unrolled in the carpet” part. Reminds me of a mob hit. Hey! Now that’s an idea for a romance novel: mob hit man goes back to medieval England! Off to ruminate!

Bitchery reader Jennifer asks for our help:

I’ve tried other sites to find the title and have had no luck.  It’s not the first romance I read.  It’s not even the best I have read.  But it was good enough that I remember searching out other books by the same author. So, here is what I remember and I’m hoping you can help a bitch out:

Historical novel.  Regency I think.  Guy has to marry (for inheritance or some such reason) but doesn’t want to.  He’s a Duke or a Lord or some other titled dude.  Girl is sick and presumably dying at a rectory in some village, of which the Vicar or Chaplain or wtfever is a friend of the dude who has to get married.  So, the Vicar marries the dude to the dying girl, who, you guessed it, isn’t really dying.  Dude goes back to London, girl shows up and moves in (if I recall correctly, she shows up duing a dinner party) and hilarious hijinks ensue as they learn to live with each other and fall in love and live HEA.  I also think there was a bitchy Aunt who really had a heart of gold or some such cliche in this book as well.

Please sooth my heaving breast and help me!

She’s not really sick, and he of course HAS to get married, and there’s a curmudgeon with a heart of gold? Man, this could be one of a few novels - but it’s not ringing any bells for me. Only once, for the record, have I identified the book. I am Le Lame, ya’ll.