Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Sherry Jones emailed me the prologue of her book The Jewel of Medina to share with you all. I’ve read it, and I sent it to shewhohashope to gain her perspective, as she and I are of different faiths and cultures, and have differing views of the prologue and the book that it introduces. Obviously, sweeping judgments based on the prologue are as frail as sweeping judgments based on not having read the book at all, but hey, what is our site without some randomly sweeping judgments, right?

If you’d like to download the prologue and read it for yourself, a PDF is available here (please right click and download, thanks). All contents of the prologue are copyright Sherry Jones. 

My reactions are from the perspective of a reader, and someone who is, due to this controversy, very curious about Islam, Aisha, Mohammed, and this book itself. Shewhohashope, a 22 year-old student of Anthropology living in London, England, is a Sunni Muslim and rabid Heyer fan. 

This is the second installment of capsule reviews of romance novels written by Laura Kinsale. Read Part I first, if you’re so inclined.

For My Lady’s Heart: Hot damn. Dialogue in Middle English. A story based inspired by Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. A relentlessly honorable and completely adorable hero who hasn’t had any nookie in 13 years. A dangerous, scheming princess who doesn’t know how to trust anyone, doesn’t want to trust anyone, but is thrown for a loop by a knight who refuses to let her push him away. Kinsale once again busts through romance conventions (when people make fun of romance novels as being brainless and predictable, I like to tell them about this book) and makes her characters real to you in a way nobody else can. A

The Dream Hunter: This is the only book of Kinsale’s I don’t love. I don’t hate it, but it didn’t grab me the way her other books did. Arden, the hero, is wonderful. He’s shy yet courageous, and very, very sweet. The heroine…. Oy. I don’t know, I found it hard to like her. Kinsale says that Zenia presents a role reversal (usually the hero is the one being the demanding, tormented brat, not the heroine) that few readers are comfortable with. She may be right, but I don’t know. I liked Zenia by the end of the book, but the way she treats Arden during much of the book is almost too much for me to take, and I think that if the roles were reversed, if Arden had been the one pulling all that crap on Zenia, I think I would’ve disliked him too. In fact, I know I would’ve, because my dislike of heroes who mistreat heroines too badly is legendary, and a big big part of the reason why I’m not particularly fond of romances from the 70s and 80s. I’ll try re-reading it soon and see if my opinion of the story holds. B-

My Sweet Folly: Folie is quite possibly my favorite heroine of all time. She’s no raving beauty, but she’s full of love, integrity, common sense and the most wonderfully droll sense of humor. I re-read this book just to enjoy her various quips and to see her relate to different people in the book. The hero, Robert, is a rather interesting mixed bag. Some of the shit he pulls on Folie is almost as bad as what Zenia does to Arden in The Dream Hunter, and his character (or rather our expectations of what his character should be) go through a couple of abrupt about-faces. But overall, he’s really hot, he doesn’t mistreat Folie too badly for too long, and he has pretty good reasons for being an asshead. Some people thought the external plot was tiresome and that the rest of the book didn’t match the wonderful first chapter, but personally, I really liked the book as a whole. A-, but Folie is A+

Shadowheart: The sequel to For My Lady’s Heart, it features Allegretto, the boy-assassin who was assigned to “guard” Melanthe in the first book. Kinsale does a great job of portraying so many different aspects of medieval Italy: the importance and power of the Church in people’s lives, the intense rivalries that would erupt between city-states, the non-stop plotting and scheming and skullduggery. The love story isn’t too shabby either. It’s a coming-of-age tale for Elena, the heroine, and Allegretto achieves redemption, so hooray all around. And the love scenes… people bitched about how disturbed they were by them, but you know what? I liked ‘em. I don’t normally enjoy BDSM sex scenes, but I thought the ones in Shadowheart were really hot and completely in keeping with Allegretto and Elena’s characters. The only small peeve I have with the book: Not enough scenes from Allegretto’s viewpoint. A-

Damn, I can’t believe I haven’t done one of these yet for Laura Kinsale. (Or Patricia Gaffney. Or Loretta Chase. Oh, my review backlog weeps, weeps, I tells ye.) Anyway, be prepared for an ungodly number of As in a row. And maybe this can be a harbinger of good news, i.e. SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME THE LUCKY ONE HAS FINALLY BEEN PICKED UP KTHXBYE.

Hanyway. First up: The Early Years, Replete with Avon Ribbons

The Hidden Heart: This is Laura’s debut novel and holy crap, she does a great job. The hero, Gryphon, has suffered some pretty horrendous emotional trauma and is terrified of loving anyone again. Tess, the heroine, is one of the best Kinsale has created: strong without being annoyingly feisty, sweet, but not sickeningly so, and kind of an outsider because of her eccentric upbringing. It’s an old-school romance in that the hero and heroine are together--no, they have to separate!--no, they’re together--no, they have to separate!--no, they’re together again--but most of the other earmarks of old-school romances like purple prose and the hero raping the heroine are mercifully absent. The book’s dark core is lightened up considerably by flashes of humor. It should be illegal for an author to write this well for a debut effort. A-

Uncertain Magic: Roddy can hear the thoughts of people and animals, a trait that can make being around crowds an excruciating experience. People can sense that she’s different and are uncomfortable in her presence, and even those who love her and know her secret find it difficult to be with her. Then she meets Faelan, an impecunious Irish lord with a very dark reputation, and she finds to her surprise that his thoughts are completely closed to her. And what should an innocent young miss do when she meets a man with a reputation for rape, seduction and murder whom she cannot read at all, even a little? Why, she marries him, of course. Pff. This is, after all, Romancelandia.

Ah, pay my snarking no mind; I love this book with a muchness. I missed having Faelan’s perspective, but because of the way the story is structured and because so much of the plot hinges on solving the enigma of why Faelan’s mind is closed off, it has to be told only from Roddy’s POV. Now, if Kinsale would write the same story, only told entirely from Faelan’s perspective.... A-

Midsummer Moon: I love this book so much, it was the first Desert Isle Keeper review I wrote for All About Romance. It has two elements I normally hate in a romance novel: a really absent-minded heroine, and a tremendously autocratic, high-handed hero. But Kinsale makes it work beautifully. It’s a gorgeous, charming book about a duke trying to work with a brilliant scientist on an invention that may potentially win the war against Napoleon. The problem is, he falls in love with her along the way. And the other problem is, she can’t seem to remember what his name is half the time, much less take notice of him long enough to love him back. Also, lots of other things, including The Best Goddamn Hedgehog Sidekick Ever in the History of Ever, all of which Beth goes into quite nicely. See all that stuff she says about that book? Pretend I said it, only with more cussing, and less eloquently.A+

Seize the Fire: In this book, Kinsale takes every romance convention, stands them on their heads, makes ‘em do the Macarena and then blows them up (which is what should rightly be done to anyone or anything doing the Macarena). Sheridan isn’t noble, he’s a self-proclaimed coward, and he cheerfully and charmingly lies, manipulates and scams his way through much of the book. Olympia isn’t svelte and feisty, she’s overweight, shy and almost painfully naïve. You get to watch both characters transform each other through a series of wacky adventures--I want to use the word “Quixotic,” which would fit the heroine, but “picaresque” would definitely suit the hero and the overall tone much better. Kinsale pulls off the difficult feat of making the hero utterly sympathetic while having him perform unheroic deeds over and over again.

The ending is very unusual (no, the protagonists don’t die, so rest easy on that score). It’ll make you cry, and then when you read the dedication at the end of the book, you’ll cry even harder. This is the book I always recommend to people who claim they don’t like romance novels. Not that many people have ever taken me up the offer, probably because of the book’s Orgasm in Pink cover. A

* * * * *

Thus ends a particular era of Kinsale; the next one is even more auspicious, because from there we move into some of her very best work, work I tend to think of (despite myself) as The Fabio Years.

The Prince of Midnight: Ahhh, the first of Kinsale’s Fabio books. Not that the stories were inspired by Fabio or anything, but the first edition features him on the cover. But even that monstrosity can’t dim the pleasure of a Kinsale novel. The hero this time is a retired highwayman with inner-ear damage, and the heroine is a woman seeking revenge for the death of her family at the hands of a weird cult. She recruits him as a hero for hire; unfortunately, the guy can’t even lean over without falling on his face, much engage in the acrobatics required. But that doesn’t stop him from riding out to save the day, of course. Deeelicious. A-

The Shadow and the Star: This book has a special place in my heart because it’s the first Kinsale book I read, and I couldn’t put it down. The protagonist is Samuel, whom we first see in The Hidden Heart in very harrowing circumstances. And (oh crap, this is going to sound terrible) Samuel is a ninja. That’s right. A ninja in Victorian England. Your head ready to a-splode? I know mine was when I figured out the premise. But you know what? Kinsale gets it right. No, I mean it. It’s good. Srlsy. She’s uncanny. Other authors have tried to depict Asian cultures (Patricia Gaffney and Mary Jo Putney tried their hands at different aspects of Chinese culture, for example) but Kinsale gets it right. Samuel’s sensei, and Samuel’s mindset after being trained by the sensei, all ring true in a way many authors are unable to achieve when writing about a foreign culture.

Also, the heroine, Leda, is often disparaged by other readers and reviewers as being too passive and kind of a priss, but they don’t get it: she’s rock-steady, steadfast and honorable, and exactly what Samuel needs to heal him and love him. A gorgeous book, and if you don’t love it--well, I don’t even know what to say to you. You’re just weird. And wrong. A+

Flowers From the Storm: The third and mercifully the last of the Fabio covers. This book features yet another Kinsale hero with a disability, this time a brilliant mathematician of a duke who suffers from what seems to be a stroke. The heroine is also extremely unusual: she’s a Quaker. This book got me interested in non-Euclidian geometry, and since I was studying factorials in high school math when I read this book, I was fascinated by some of the equations Kinsale provides. But you know what, I can’t in good conscience give this book a rating because I’ve never been able to finish it. Not because it’s not good, but because it’s so intense that I can’t take it--it’s like being tickled, only I’m not laughing. I’ve tried it twice before, and each time I had to put it down about halfway through and then sneak a peek at the ending to enjoy the HEA. I’ll give it a shot in a few weeks when I’m done with several other books I need to finish, and I’ll see if I can do it this time.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Part II, wherein I cover the books Kinsale wrote for Berkley.

I loved the Sin City novels. Loved ‘em. But when I sat down and tried to write individual reviews for them, I realized I couldn’t. I just wanted to boil everything down into pithy, snarky vignettes, with “Dwight is hot” and “I heart Marv” making up about 50% of those comments. Then I realized: well, DUH, Lightning Review time, mothafuckas!

The Hard Goodbye: You can read a more detailed review here, but basically, it boils down to: I heart Marv, the artwork blew me away, I heart Marv, the story rocks, and I heart Marv. A

A Dame To Kill For: Detailed review here (and you can totally tell I was already grasping for enough words in that review). Dwight is hot, Marv gets a decent supporting bit, and the story ruled; however, Clive Owen, while a boootiful man, was completely inadequate for his role in the movie. A

The Big Fat Kill: What is it about the idea of kick-ass prostitutes being in complete control of their turf that I find so appealing? Ah, who am I kidding? It’s all about the sex and violence. And Miho. Deadly little Miho. Dwight is hot, too. Anyway: hot hookers, decapitations, bombs, guns, car chases, bastard-ass motherfuckers getting their due and Miho and Dwight fucking the bad guys’ shit up. What’s not to love? A

That Yellow Bastard: I love the story. LOVE IT. Creepy as all hell, and the use of color is very effective. The love story at the core is pretty fucked up, but even as I threw up a little in my mouth, I went “Awww, that’s so sweeet!”. But: Frank Miller can’t draw kids worth a good goddamn. Because little Nancy? Looks as slutty as grown-up stripper Nancy. Which seriously, seriously skeezed me out. He also isn’t all that great at drawing wrinkly old people, because Hartigan ended up looking a lot like Marv. Both of these combined were pretty distracting to me, plus I expected better of Miller. So, docking a couple of points for the sloppy artwork: B+

Family Values: Short and pretty sweet. The story was entertaining, if a bit incoherent, and it starts off with a really awesome funny bit, where we get to see Dwight trying to fend off a horny female cop. (Ah, to have Dwight in the same room with me and some handcuffs… sigh.) Deadly little Miho is back, and she’s on rollerblades, which I find hilarious for some reason. She’s also drawn with a much lighter touch than the other characters, which lends a rather ghost-like quality to her. Unfortunately, she becomes something of a one-note character in this book; she’s invincible and as much of a cipher as she was when she was first introduced. Every book reveals something more about the inhabitants of Sin City, even the mafia and the corrupt police system, so keeping Miho mysterious makes her rather flat in comparison. Nonetheless, a thoroughly enjoyable read. B+

Booze, Broads and Bullets: A collection of short stories set in Sin City, you get all sorts of vignettes, most of them good, a few of them kinda meh. The story involving Marv chasing some thugs into the bad part of Sin City is worth the price of admission alone, but you know how much I love me some Marv. B+

Hell and Back: This story is the longest of the Sin City series, and also the weakest. The hero? Total Mary Sue. (Or would that be Gary Sue? Marty Sue? Marv Sue?) He’s honorable, he’s hot, he’s an OMG GREAT ARTIST with loads of integrity, he’s a veteran, he kicks le ass avec beaucoup de dispatch, etc. Miller is at his best when writing about psychos and lowlifes; this guy is conventionally heroic, and ultimately, I found him boring. Besides the tiresome perfections of the hero, the story isn’t as tightly-constructed as the others, and I’m not as fond of the art style Miller employs. Plus: WHAT’s with his fetish with bangs? All the supah-hot women in Sin City have bangs (Nancy, f’rexample), and the heroine, who’s black in this book, has bangs too--and unfortunately, she ends up looking like Rick fucking James (bitch!) in a lot of the panels.

I’m not kidding. Look:

Somebody stab my eyes out, please.

However, the sequence in which the hero hallucinates his way through a killing spree? Awesome. Overall, a B-.

Those of you who have seen the Lisa Kleypas Lightning Reviews (Part the First, Part the Second) know exactly what to expect from this feature. Brace yourselves, kids: Condensed snark (and copious fangirl love) for every romance novel Jennifer Crusie has published thus far.