Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I ran out of toothpaste yesterday, so I went to Fred Meyer on my way home. On a whim, I stopped by the book section to give it a quick browse. I think deep in my heart I was hoping to find Mr. Impossible there, although my chances were fairly slim--the selection is decent, but not exactly huge. I didn’t see it, but a book with a fire-engine red cover caught my eye. There was nothing on the cover other than the title and the author’s name, and woo boy, what a title it was: The Naked Duke.

If there’s one thing in this world more horrifying than romance novel covers, it’s romance novel titles. I mean, honestly. THE NAKED DUKE? The title was so bad it stopped me cold. I had to pick the book up. I read the back, and it was every bit as atrocious as the title. Hapless young American miss somehow finds herself naked in bed at an inn with an equally bare-assed duke (The Bare-Assed Duke--now THAT’s a great title) and is forced to marry him, or some similar claptrap. I couldn’t help myself. I opened the book and gave it my usual 15-page bookstore trial just to see what horrors were going to be perpetrated within.

Sarah: Have you read Putney’s “Thunder and Roses?”

Candy: I read Thunder and Roses ages ago. I remember the following really random things about it:

1. The hero was Welsh. Or at least, the book was set in Wales.
2. The heroine was Methodist.
3. The hero collected mechanical figurines. At least, I THINK he’s the Fallen Angel who collects mechanical figurines.
4. There’s a pretty hot sex scene on a billiard table.
5. It’s the first in the Fallen Angels series.

Other than that, I can’t recall anything about the plot, or how the hero and heroine met, or anything else.

Sarah: I am liking it so far, though the idea of the heroine being forced to stay with the hero to exchange her reputation for his help in saving the town he’s the freaking Lord of was just this side of unbelievable. But there was some great chemistry right off the bat.

Candy: Yeah, even for a romance novel the way Nicholas and whatserface are forced to spend time together seems pretty contrived. Why can’t heroines tell heroes who insist on doing assheaded things to just fuck off? Oh, wait, then there’d be No Conflict. And thus, No Story.

Mrs. Giggles came up with the absolutely hilarious Regency Drinking Game. In the spirit of good-natured rip-offs (think of it as an homage, if you will), the Smart Bitches have come up with the Contemporary Romance Novel Drinking Game. Bottoms up, and if you can think of any additions, feel free to suggest them in the Comments.

The heroine:

• Is a virgin: 1 sip
• Over the age of 25: 2 sips
• Over the age of 30: 5 sips
• Is not a virgin but has never, ever, ever had an orgasm: 2 sips
• Is not a virgin and has had terrific orgasms, but only because she had sex with the hero before the book began, which has resulted in a Secret Baby: 3 sips
• Is a virgin and somehow still manages to have a Secret Baby (yes, this book exists): Toss the book against the wall and proceed to get as drunk as you can
• Is not a virgin and has had terrific orgasms, then broke up with the hero and has remained celibate: 4 sips
• Celibacy lasts more than 2 years: 5 sips
• Celibacy lasts more than 5 years: 10 sips
• Is not celibate, but the sex with other men has been terrible: 10 sips
• Is described as “curvy” and “busty”: 1 sip
• And then you find out she’s 5’10” and 110 lbs: 1 mug
• Hates herself and her body because she’s been called “fat” by everyone she’s ever loved: 10 sips
• Then you find out she’s actually 5 lbs. under her ideal bodyweight with really, really big tits: 1 mug
• Heroine IS actually overweight (in romance novel terms: more than a size 10): 5 sips
• Has some kind of quirky non-office job like owning a pet store specializing in antique dog collars, or is a Las Vegas showgirl: 3 sips
• The showgirl is a virgin: 1 mug
• Is vaguely described as a “consultant”: 3 sips
• Is employed in a clearly care-giving profession (nurse, doctor, counselor, therapist, social worker, etc.): 2 sips
• Has a home-based career, without children: 2 sips
• Has a home-based career, with children: 4 sips
• Never insists the hero wears a condom: 2 sips
• When the hero decides to bareback or forgets to put on a jimmy hat, decides it’s proof of their TRUE LURVE: 10 sips

The hero:

• Is a police detective: 1 sip
• Is in some way employed in investigations and is a former member of law enforcement: 2 sips
• And was booted out of law enforcement, unjustly of course: 3 sips
• Is a Navy SEAL: 1 sip
• Is a member of some other type of Special Forces task force: 2 sips
• Is a secret agent: 2 sips
• For another country: 5 sips
• Is a sports stud: 1 sip
• Is a cowboy: 1 sip
• Is a doctor: 1 sip
• Is a millionaire/billionaire entrepreneur who’s somehow not a gross, balding, overweight 56-year-old lech who exclusively dates supermodels and Playboy Playmates: 3 sips
• Is a business tycoon who doesn’t actually spend 14 hours a day in his office, leaving him plenty of time to chase the heroine all over the earth: 3 sips
• Is a corporate drone whose job is so boring the author doesn’t even mention it: 1 sip
• Is an alleged geek who doesn’t play video games or RPGs, make Monty Python references, or indulge in any other kind of real-life geek behavior other than look really, really cute in glasses: 3 sips
• Is an alleged geek who makes huge blunders while talking about computers or explaining basic scientific theorems: 10 sips
• Is an alleged geek with limited lovemaking experience yet still makes heroine orgasm the moment he brushes against her clitoris: 1 mug
• Has a big dick, a detail which is noted with clockwork-like precision every time a love scene comes up: 1 sip
• The dick is so big it hurts the heroine, which is noted with clockwork-like precision every time a love scene comes up: 2 sips
• Has an even bigger gun: 2 sips
• The gun is so big it hurts the… oh wait.
• Spends more than 2/3 of the book being angry, snarling, or shouting: 4 sips
• Big-dicked, big-gunned, cranky hero is in a Linda Howard novel: 5 sips
• Or a Susan Andersen novel: 5 sips
• Incessantly calls the heroine “babe”: 1 sip
• Has dated one skanky hobag who has somehow soured his opinion of all women: 2 sips
• Is currently involved with a skanky hobag: 5 sips
• Skanky hobag turns out to be the villain, or in cahoots with the villain: 4 sips

Sidekicks
Heroine’s Sidekick:

• Is described as “wacky” and whose only function is to make the heroine question her own attractiveness in comparison to Mme. Wacky: 3 sips
• Has red hair: 1 sip
• Has big boobs: 1 sip
• Never actually says or does anything remotely “wacky”: 1 mug
• Is wacked in a satisfying and gruesome way: chug and call Sarah to recommend book immediately

Hero’s Sidekick:

• Is more stylish than hero: 1 sip.
• Is gay: 2 sips.
• But hero doesn’t know sidekick is gay: 1 mug.
• And is involved with sidekick: are you sure it’s a romance?
• Is hero’s partner in investigation/law enforcement: 2 sips.
• Swears he himself will never marry: 2 sips.
• But is paired off in secondary romance plotline: 2 sips.
• Is killed off: 3 sips.
• Saves hero’s ass once in story: 1 sip.
• Saves hero’s ass twice in story: 2 sips
• Hero should be dead due to his own stupidity but is saved on multiple occasions by quick-thinking hero’s best friend: 1 mug.

If any of the following words are used at any point of the story:

• Redolent:1 sip
• Turgid: 2 sips
• Erection: 2 sips
• Penis: 2 sips
• Cock: 3 sips
• Dick: 4 sips.
• Fiercely: 2 sips
• Huskily: half the mug
• Savage: the whole damn mug, please--and make sure you savor it with sweet, savage pleasure
• Beguiled: 3 sips
• Arousal (if used to refer to an erection): 2 sips
• Arousal (if the hero actually uses the word to refer to his erection): 10 sips
• Sensual (if used as a euphemism for “heroine looks like a two-bit skank"): 2 sips
• Sensuality (if used as a euphemism for “heroine is acting like a two-bit skank"): 2 sips

I love looking at the referrer log for this page. Because of the rampant potty-mouth and our choice of domain name, I suspect 95% of our visitors are just confused. as. hell when they click on this particular Google result. “But where are the pictures of the hot bitches humping?” they probably cry into the depths of the night. But no reply awaits them, alas, alas. Just a couple of smart-mouthed chippies talking endlessly about romance novels.

So other search engine results that somehow or the other point unsuspecting schmucks to this website:

• Gay Dominican cock (now talk about being REALLY disappointed when they actually see what this site is about)
• Bitches humping bitches (I need to use another term besides “hump"--maybe screw? Bone? Pork? Give her the ole in-out, in-out? Walk the ferret? Spelunk for treasure?)
• Books about good and vs. evil in Moby Dick (the poor schmuck trying to find help for her college writing assignment was all outta luck, I’m afraid)
• Blog romance novel published (GOOD GOD, finally, a relevant search result! I’m swooning! Catch me! *splat*)
• And a bunch of referrals from a series of German porn sites.

So once again, I will mention romance novels and romance novel reviews because this site is really allll about what we love and hate about romance books. Not that it’ll do any good. But I gotta keep trying.

It is too early for a full review, but I am so happy reading “Bet Me” by Jennifer Crusie, after reading several mediocre romance novels, that I had to share. Is there a, “YAY FINALLY” rating on this site? Because that’s what I’d give this book.