Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Many, many people have written to us about Harlequin’s search for real men for the covers of their novels.

“Some of the heroes are captains of industry, billionaires,” said Deborah Peterson, a Harlequin creative designer and a judge at the audition. “A lot of the models were too young, men in their twenties ... and our audience likes men a little bit older, a bit bigger, than the runway models.”

Look, I’m all for accurate depictions of characters in the books. At the very least, I’d like their hair colors to match, y’know? But accurate depictions of what billionaires look like? Why don’t they ask real-life billionaires to model for them?

I’m just sayin’.

I’m also going to reveal myself to be an utterly humorless bitch and say right out that this bit of rhetoric bothers me quite a bit:

“We want real men ... exactly what you think in your mind when you’re fantasizing or imagining that ideal man.”

Well, y’know, the guys who make my ovaries growl tend to be skinny, on the pretty side of androgynous and kinda goofy. Not unlike Damian Kulash:

Bonus points for dudes who aren’t afraid to put on make-up and/or a skirt when the occasion calls for it, and extra super bonus points for the ones who can talk about quantum entanglement intelligently, or explain the differences between a dactyl, a spondee and a trochee, or switch between arguing with me about Kant’s categorical imperative and the best way to brine a turkey without missing a beat. And those guys? Every bit as real as the middle-aged pumped-up gym monkeys Harlequin is apparently searching for. At least, I’d hope so. A few of my friends would be distressingly incorporeal, in that case.

But then I’ve ranted about the issue of girly men and gender rhetoric in the romance community before, so I won’t repeat myself.

All of this did bring to mind a totally awesome picture reader Elizabeth M. forwarded to me today, though:

But perhaps they should see if Günther is available for a modeling gig. He does, after all, want you to touch his tra-la-la (and also, his ding ding dong), and his manly mullet is quite in line with any number of romance novel covers we’ve seen.

(Warning: For those of you who haven’t seen this yet, it’s not quite work safe.)

(Thanks to Emily B. for reminding me of the existence of this video.)

Also, pretend I’ve said a goodly number of cutting things about the condescending tone of the article in general. It’s late, I’m kinda tired and loopy, and really, both Sarah and I have hopped all over this issue in the past.

Lani Diane Rich alerted me to an anti- Harriet Klausner movement taking root on Amazon. According to Rich:

Basically, a group of very vocal people with apparently no lack of spare time are viciously ripping apart her reviews on Amazon in the review comments section. It’s highly bizarre, and not a little bit disturbing.

Not that they don’t have a point. She’s been known to post upwards of 40 reviews in a single day. I don’t care how much your soul is worth to Satan, no one reads that fast. So the contention that Harriet has a Dickensian house full of orphans chained to desks, feverishly penning poorly-worded reviews (I swear, I saw something of that nature posted up there, wish I could remember where) is an argument with some heft. If you take out the orphans. As the frequent victim of drive-by Harriet reviews, I know she’s inaccurate to the point of my sometimes wondering if she’s perhaps confused my book with someone else’s. But here’s where I’m coming from:

People are upset that she’s the all-powerful #1 reviewer on Amazon. I contend that no one really takes her seriously, anyway. Plus, the last time I checked, all online purveyors (not just Amazon) represented something like 4% of the book-buying market; she doesn’t have that much power. Really.

People are upset that she’s lying, and I understand that. No one reads that fast.

Also, she’s in her fifties. I heard she had a stroke. She used to be a librarian. I don’t care what she does, unless she ran over your dog, then backed up to run over him again, people really should just leave her alone. There’s a very special hell for people who beat up librarians. And it involves Celine Dion albums. People should be more careful with that shit.

40 reviews a day? Damn, if being a Smart Bitch was a full time job and my entire day was reading and reviewing romance novels? I still don’t think I could swing 40 per day. 

Bitchery Reader Mary forwarded me to links to a two-part interview at Risky Regencies with Richard Cerqueira, romance cover model.

Part I is Here.

Part II is Here.

My personal favorite quotes are his recommendation that the “models chosen should accurately depict the book’s heroes.” Now how often have we seen than happen - the raven-haired o-faced chick on the front is representing a brown-haired freckled girl who really wouldn’t wear magenta eye shadow, right?

But the part that has me absolutely amused:

Modeling for romance novel covers is much quicker and, dare I say, easier. For one thing, I get to pose with a beautiful girl nearly every time, that’s always a bonus. The shoots typically last only an hour and they do not require much planning nor do they ruin one’s whole day; you can easily hold down a regular job, do a photo shoot on your lunch break and go back to work with no one more the wiser.

That’s just awesome. Thanks to the miracle of digital photography, you can be the man titty cover model on your lunch break? I’m never going to look at lunch hour the same. 

Here’s a contest after my own heart - Anne Dean is hosting a contest on her blog to celebrate her 100th post. The person who posts the 100th comment gets a $50 gift certificate to Amazon, OR a big ol’ box of Godiva, whichever suits your pleasure.

What, you want a link? What makes you think I’m not heading over there to get me some chocolate or books or chocolate or books?

That is a tough decision, I tell you.

There are a lot of somewhat clever questions on Ask Yahoo, such as:

Where does the “g” in “g-string” come from?

What’s the best-selling novel ever written?

and my new personal favorite:

I’ve heard there are only seven basic story plots. What are they?

The Yahoo answer cites a few sources, most specifically the Internet Public Library which says the magic seven are:

1 [wo]man vs. nature
2 [wo]man vs. man
3 [wo]man vs. the environment
4 [wo]man vs. machines/technology
5 [wo]man vs. the supernatural
6 [wo]man vs. self
7 [wo]man vs. god/religion

The Straight Dope cites several other numbers as the total number of basic plots, so there’s clearly plenty of room for debate.

But in terms of the total number of romance plots, Candy and I have come up with 12.

1. [wo]man vs. big misunderstanding
2. [wo]man vs. evil parents and conniving relatives
3. [wo]man vs. evil fiancé(e)
4. [wo]man vs. disparities in social standing
5. [wo]man vs. big secret (often, but not always, a baby)
6. [wo]man vs. massive sexual or physical trauma
7. [wo]man vs. trivial trauma that’s hyped up to appear much more serious than it is (OH MY GOD MY MOM WAS A COLD-HEARTED SLUT WAH WAH WAHHHHHHHHHH I WILL NOW HATE ANYTHING BEARING A VAGINA being a classic for many heroes)
8. [wo]man vs. emotionally constipated man
9. [wo]man vs. angsty undead or lunarly-hairy version of any of the above
10. [wo]man vs. high-powered/high-status male embracing all gender stereotypes and phallocentric expectations of women
11. [wo]man vs. serial killer who ends up wanting to rape and/or kill and/or eat the heroine, because the heroine, she is one tasty bitch
12. [wo]man vs. historically inappropriate urges to break free of societal mold by marrying… socially proper man (*note: can apply to gay romances as well as hetero romances)

Got any more? 

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Cassie Edwards Articles

• A centralized document of the Cassie Edwards texts (Rev. E, 2/21/2008, Tracks 22 Books, Added a Table of Contents)

One Big-Ass Bastard

• Bill Napoli, who’s a real sexist ass-hat
• Engaging in some friendly Googlebombing
• Another Napoli Update
• Smart Bitch Endorsed Art Auction
• WE WIN AT THE INTERNET