The deal: a whole novel summarized in snarky little vignettes. With thumbnails. It's magically delicious. Part 1 is here; don't read any of it if you don't want an eyeful of spoilers. Or profanity. Or animated GIFs of throbbing hearts.
At Daphne's
Daphne: Sprung from jail! I was going to kill those suckas if they didn't let us out soon. It's good to be rich and white. Oh wait, I'm still a woman. Suck.
Rupert: You're pretty when you're angry.
Daphne: Shush, I just had a bright idea. We probably should've done this first instead of waltzing off to Giza.... But this way we get to fight some thugs. FUN!
Leena: Lady, just lock him up and screw him senseless already. This "sublimation of sexual desire through action" thing you have going on is giving me a migraine.
At the Merchant's
Vanni Annaz : *gurgle* Cherchez Ramesses. *gurglegurgle, dies*
Daphne:
GODDAMMIT. And cherchez Ramesses? Bitch, please. I mean, there you go saying something that sounds like it might be a clew and it turns out it's nothing really related to anything in the plot. YOU BASTARD.
Hapless Thugs : Surprise!
Rupert:
Prepare to get tossed, fools! *proceeds to toss fools*
Not-So Hapless Thugs : *bonk*
Rupert: OUCH. Also: Concussion's a bitch. *passes out manfully*
Daphne: Feel the wrath of Horus, son of Isis!
Statue of Horus : BONK
Hapless Thugs : Ow! Scamper!
Egyptian Cops: What's all this, then? Another dead body, you say?
At Daphne's
Daphne:
Noxley has gone after my brother without bringing me along? Sexist pig. After him!
Rupert:
A river cruise, whee! I am SO going to lose balance on the boat and fall all over her hot azz.
On the River Nile
Boat: LURCH
Rupert: Look at me, losing my balance and shit. Whee, boobies!
Daphne:
My fists, they say "Ka-powity-pow!" (But my eyes? They say "YES! YES! YES!")
Rupert:
Booooobies.
Daphne:
Idiot.
Somewhere else on the River Nile
Other hapless thugs : OK, Ingleezi scum! Be prepared to read some brown thingums!
Miles:
Now wouldn't be a good time to tell you that my sister's the brains behind this outfit, right? Right. Errrr... I need my notes.
Other hapless thugs : This leetle piggy went to market... This leetle piggy got HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD CUT OFF...
Other other thugs : HA-HA! We have taken over the boat, and we declare a thug fight! Cut! Slice! Dice!
Other hapless thugs : URK! GACK! GLURK! Man, we suck at fighting.
Miles:
Time to split! Oh shit, more thugs waiting at the escape pod! Think... think...
Ghostly Miles:
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in at this petty pace from day to day until the last syllable of recorded time...."
Other other thugs : Ack, community theater Shakespeare! Embrace us, O River! *sploosh*
On Daphne's Boat
Rupert:
Horny. Horny horny horny. HORNY. Plus the boat's not moving, so I don't have an excuse to fall on her again.
Daphne:
Pffff, you're not the only one who's stewing, bub. Instead of doing anything, I'll just talk to you and accidentally reveal my true feelings about my dead husband.
Rupert:
Hey, we're near Memphis. Think you might find a broken bit of stone with some doodly writing over which you can get unnaturally excited?
Daphne:
I thought you'd never ask.
At Memphis
Daphne:
Whoa, a broken statue of a pharaoh! Now I'm going to run off at the mouth and totally, for real give away the fact that I'm the scholar, not Miles.
Rupert:
Care to tease a proposition from me, babe?
Daphne:
I was talking about prepositions, you big, stupid lumm--mmmph! Oh. Mmmmmm.
Rupert:
*totally Frenching*
Daphne:
*totally Frenching back*
Rupert:
*stops Frenching first*
Daphne:
Whuh? Oh. KA-PLOWITY POW POW!
Servants: Oh no, we're not ogling AT ALL. *whistling*
Rupert:
Oops. Curse you, Mrs. Pembroke, and your sexy, mysterious mind! And your sexy, mysterious ass! Um. Wanna go look at some pyramids?
At the Pyramid of Steps
Rupert:
Right, I am SO squicked out by all these pieces of thousand-year-old dessicated corpses crunching under my bootses, but I will remain manfully tight-lipped about it.
Daphne:
Let's go into the pyramid, so I can talk some more about hieroglyphs and drive you nuts with my proximity.
Rupert:
Right. In again, out again, staring at doodles for hours, mmm-hah that was fun.
Daphne: Oooooh, another piece of rock with indecipherable ancient writing on it. Let me just turn it over and OH FUCKING HELL.
Rupert:
Oh look, a viper. I will go into bullfighter mode and save you, fair lady! Toro! Toro! Hemingway, eat your goddamn heart out.
Daphne: Am I out of danger? Oh good. Buh. *faint*
Rupert: This is a GREAT excuse for me to carry you, and then scold you in a really adorable way about how you over-exerted yourself, all on account of a bunch of falcons wearing odd-looking hats.
Horus : Fuck YOU, buddy. You try going through life being the product of a brother marrying his sister and having a crazy-ass uncle bent on stealing the throne. My headwear is the least of my problems.
Daphne: Zzzzzzzzzz.
Some bridge in Cairo
Crippled Old Dude: Ow, my kidneys!
Soldier: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Rupert:
O the injustice! Hey Mr. Soldier, here's your ass on a plate, sir.
5 million other soldiers: No, here's YOUR ass.
Crippled Old Dude: I'm a-scarperin', I'm a-scarperin'.
At Daphne's
Leena:
Doooom, glooooom.
Akmed: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Daphne:
WTF, where's my brother?
At the British Consulate
Daphne:
WTF, where's my brother?
British Consul: Uh.
Daphne:
Help me find my brother. Or else.
British Consul: OK, we have this guy, and he's not too bright, but he's
pretty strong...
In some dungeon in Cairo
Rupert:
Brown thingums!
Daphne:
Idiot.
Rupert:
You sound hot. I dig smart chicks who can read all that doodly writing. And
stuff. Also, I'm hot. I'm the hottest disembodied chin you'll find in all of
Egypt, and very possibly the world.
Daphne:
Idiot.
Leena:
Lookit, you silly bint, you have enough brains for both of you. What you need
right now are big muscley muscles for beating off the bad guys. Plus getting
laid properly will make you less cranky.
Daphne:
FUCK.
At Daphne's
Daphne:
OH SHIT. My work! And the bastards stole the mysterious, valuable papyrus Miles
bought for me! And crap, I just totally gave away that I'm the scholar, not
Miles.
Rupert:
Oooh. You're REALLY hot. *manly swoon* Oh hey, here's a recalcitrant servant.
Tell us all, or else… *flexes muscles*
Daphne:
*swoooooon*
Leena:
Rrrowr.
Recalcitrant servant: *tells all, which really isn't much*
Daphne:
We'll go for help at Viscount Noxley's.
Rupert:
Bah.
At Jean-Claude Duval's
Jean-Claude:
YOINK. Also: I have Miles. Mwahaha. I will totally kick Viscount Noxley's ass
in our quest for more antiquities. Bastard Englishmen stealing our Rosetta Stone.
At Viscount Noxley's
Rupert:
I hate you.
Noxley:
I'll just ignore and dangerously understimate the big lummox in my living room,
mmmkay? Daphne darling, don't worry your pretty little head, I'll fix everything.
Daphne:
That's what you think, bub.
Noxley:
Hey, henchmen: take care of the big lummox, won't you?
On the way to Giza
Rupert:
If any of you chickenshit servants desert the beauteous Daphne, I shall defenestrate
thee with much post-hastenes.
Cowering Servants: Eeek! But we
you all the same.
Daphne:
Oh, gag me.
At Chephren's Pyramid
Rupert:
Ooooh, big triangular thingy.
Daphne:
Shut up and help me look for clews.
Rupert:
Your ass looks even hotter when it's waggling in front of me in an dark, enclosed
space.
Daphne: Bla bla bla bla pyramids bla bla bla hieroglyphs and oh by the
way I hate dark, enclosed spaces.
Guides: GLURK!
Rupert: Oh crap, the light's gone out. Quick, to the ladder and the
way out!
Guides: *still dead*
Daphne: OK, Rupert squeezing by me on the ladder was pretty hot.
Egyptian Cops: What's all this, then? Two dead bodies, you say?
Daphne: Oh, crap.
