Inspired by this awesome list of things that only happen in movies, we present 15 (or so!) things that only happen in romance novels?
1. If you go for a walk in Hyde Park, your incredibly well-groomed and impeccably trained horses, or someone else’s, will go wild and start a dangerous rampage through the trees.
2. A secondary or tertiary character who suddenly reveals something personal about themselves for no apparent reason in a romantic suspense is going to DIE DIE DIE.
3. One kiss of the hero/heroine has the power to create irresistible powers of lust that cause one or both parties to toss off their clothing, even if in the corner of a house hosting a ball attended by thousands of nosy people.
4. A corollary: once the hero and heroine have divested themselves of enough clothing, or gone past 2nd base, no matter what the location, they will rarely if ever be discovered or caught, even if in the corner of a house hosting a ball attended by thousands of nosy people.
5. Laudanum will soothe the pain of anything from a minor headache to six bullets in one’s left buttcheek. And it tastes like crap warmed over, but the taste is easily masked by tea. Weak tea.
6. Despite the lack of cleanliness, the hero will survive a bullet to the shoulder, arm, buttock or leg, even after “probing for the ball” with what sounds like a fireplace poke.
7. If there is a heroine, and if there is a riding habit, there will be a feather and it will be jaunty. It is the law.
8. No matter how badly the hero is wounded, he’s always up for some serious nookie. Gut shot? Perforated lung? Brain trauma? Doesn’t matter. Wild Willy is ready and willing for the ride.
9. American girls ALWAYS have more leeway and freedom to act like slutbags, unlike their stuffy English counterparts.
10. During an age when most people didn’t bathe often, and no matter what the ambient temperature of the ballroom and the number of powdered, stinky people surrounding her, the heroine will always smell delicately of orange blossoms, spring roses, or something equally appealing.
11. The villain is the only ugly person with significant air time in the book. A handsome villain will become the hero of the sequel.
12. If there’s a gay villain, you can bet on him being a pedophile too.
13. Alcoholism and other problems with addiction can be dealt with in one, big detox session.
14. Nothing identifies a hero faster than an artfully tied cravat. But it never, ever makes him a dandy.
15. Every couple ever in the history of Regency England and following historical periods married for deep abiding love and rather flammable passion. But not one of them knows the others, because, as any matron will tell you, love matches are exceedingly rare.
Care to add more? I know you have suggestions!
Oh my lord. That was incredibly awesome! Seems to me that with the exception of one Romantic Suspense reference your list could almost be titled 15 Things That Only Happen in Historical Romances.
Here is another one: If a well-bred young lady finds herself inexplicably attracted to a lower class stableman, highwayman, butler, groom, etc.—he WILL reveal himself to be the long lost son of a Duke, Marquis, Earl…or occasionally the bastard son of a Prince.
Good One!
And yeah, it’s mostly historicals, but we’re going to keep going with the contemporaries as our brains wake up.
Oral sex is GREAT after riding under the hot Texas sun for days. Oh, the tangy goodness. ;-P
Oh, and ‘cause I can’t let this go:
If a book bothers to mention the fact that the hero didn’t use a condom, there WILL be a pregnancy, and through the magical power of Romancelandia, the book will morph into a secret baby tale.
How about:
If the heroine has any familiarity with horses, she will have some kind of “magical” ability/connection with them. She isn’t ever just a fucking good rider.
If the hero was in the military, he must have been a rifleman (and always with the 95th, never with the 60th).
Every nobleman who wasn’t in the active military was a spy. No exceptions.
All heroines have gravity defying breasts, and thus no need for undergarments of any kind. Her boobs naturally hover in the vicinity of her collarbones (and all heroes are so fucking stupid that they’re unable to tell she’s going “full throttle commando†under her gown, and thus he is surprised when he undresses her).
No matter that it takes a good 30 minutes to an hour to dress to leave the house, if you’ve just had semi-public nookie, you can get your togs back on in a trice (mostly case you’re not wearing any underwear to slow things down!).
After partaking of al fresco lovin, there is never any “residue†to slide down the heroine’s leg or stain her filmy dress. Amazingly, historical heroes were all tantric gods who only let the jizz fly when a pregnancy would work in the story line.
These are awesome, ladies. Keep ‘em coming!
If the hero has been in the army, he will have fought at Talavera and/or Waterloo, but never at Bladensburg or Newark.
After trudging waist deep through a steaming swamp , the hero and heroine, though exhausted, smelly, and probably chewed into dog meat by mosquitos, will have no problems getting it on, despite not having bathed.
ALL medieval heroes and heroines somehow managed to keep their pearly whites.
Here are a couple more:
If a historical hero had a previous marriage, the wife was always either: 1) a dishmop who died tragically in childbirth giving the hero angst 4 evah OR 2) a faithless slut who died en route to join her lovah, leeving the hero with women-hatin anger 4 evah.
If a historical heroine had a previous marriage the husband was always either: 1) an old feeb who could not consumate the marriage, leaving her pristine and untouched for the hero, who in his typical heartless manner thinks she is a slut 2) Is a younger degenerate (alcoholic, druggie, pedophile, homosexual, traitor, gambler,
) who abuses the poor heroine and dies attempting to jump his horse over a too high fence during a drunken midnight ride.
If a heroine can bake a good biscuit her odds of snaring a misogynistic cowboy are approximately 100%.
YES! Thank you! EVERYONE has ALL of their TEETH!
If she’s a Saxon lady, she’s got the sight. With all these ladies having the sight, it’s a wonder they couldn’t forsee the Norman invasion.
I forsee a hell of a lot of good stuff coming. A master list should be compiled for sure!
>>but never at Bladensburg or Newark<<
Snrk. I love that one.
OMG, I’m not getting any work done here! You people are eeeeevil!
If the heroine’s a virgin, despite the pain of having manflesh in her, she’s still going to have multiple orgasms.
If there is an eyebrow, it will always be perfectly shaped and delicately arched.
Or that eyebrow will be in some manner described as having a “winged” effect.
Without the aid of cosmetic plucking or wax!
Oh – and the heroine will add color to her cheeks by pinching them. Ha. If I try that, I look like I just got smacked.
If the heroine is a deb, she will be the only deb that year that has a brain or character. The rest will be dull, dim or a conniving bitch…
And of course, that bitch will get her comeuppance…
Sam
No matter how stupid and unattractive the haircuts of the era were (think of the lovely bowl-cut popular for a large part of the high Medieval era) the hero will always be described as having long, flowing locks.
Armor is never A) heavy, or B) pointy (I have a scar from helping my boyfriend take off his breastplate at an event—nasty scrape down the boob—and yet in books and films couples can screw while the guy is suited up and no one ever seems to get hurt!).
It doesn’t matter what year a book is set in. If it’s set in Scotland, the man will be in a kilt. Doesn’t matter if they didn’t exist yet, or were proscribed (with a sentence of transportation!), that Highlander can’t go without. How else would we know he was a bad-boy, crag-dwelling, loch-swimming stud?
Oh, and my favorite from contemps: The uber-wealthy hero will find the slightly frumpy heroine amazingly attractive and alluring, mostly because of some inane thing (like the cookies she baked her kids, or the fact that her weakness is Kraft mac-n-cheese). He longs for middle-class normalness.
We’re doing well on historicals, so here are some rules for romantic suspense.
Despite being over 6 foot tall, heavily muscled with blinding white teeth and incredible good looks, the hero is always able to effortlessly blend into any setting by hunching his shoulders and looking a bit squinty.
If a ruggedly good-looking man is not obviously gainfully employed he invariably works for a secret government/military organisation combating Evil. If he’s rich, he probably runs it. His colleagues will also be similarly attractive and engaging. If he has an ugly or dull colleague, this man will die by page 250.
If he works for the military/police/fire service/government, if not still working for them, he will have a special ops background (Delta force, SEALs, Rangers etc.). In fact, the SEALs are pretty much like the cub scouts for Heroes. Any physical injuries sustained during this career will only serve to make him more attractive.
If a heroine is raised by just one parent, then she will either be a) not that person’s child or b) one parent will have a deadly secret.
The timing of the discovery of Dr. Evil’s secret identity by the hero is synchronised exactly to the heroine’s desperate act to relieve her frustration by doing something to draw out said villain.
All villains will exhibit signs of sexual depravity. In fact, all villains are insane and depraved.
Serial killers always fixate on the heroine.
In older romances, the hero will arrive just in time for a rescue. More modern romances will allow the heroine to almost escape just as the hero arrives to save her.
Only the heroine may physically fight a villainess.
If it’s a medieval, viking or Native American chick, she’s knows “herbal” healing sekrits. And if she’s one of the former, and probably even if she’s Native American, she’s still a devout christian.
All villains will exhibit signs of sexual depravity. In fact, all villains
are insane and depraved.
Mwahahaha! I remember I stopped reading one author when I realized the villains were having better sex than the h/h!
Oh, here is a good one:
In romance books of any genre, if the heroine is a virgin then her hymen will be located several inches inside of her ‘gina. So the hero can be partially submerged before he “feels” the “barrier”.
I almost forgot an obvious one:
Penetration yields orgasm. Usually right away.
HeeHee…
Two more for the historicals. The slender, willowy heroine will look like a boy when dressed in boy’s clothes. Later that night in a ball gown, she will rival Dolly Parton.
A medieval heroine will only come up to the warrior hero’s ribcage, making him feel all manly and protective. When they’re gettin’ r done, though, he’ll gush over her LONG LONG legs.
If he has an ugly or dull colleague, this man will die by page 250.
As an addition to this point: Because he was the no-good dirrrrrty stooge who betrayed the hero and his fabulously-coiffed, orthodontically-enhanced colleagues.
Some more for contemporaries:
Bosses fondling secretaries in the boardroom will be rewarded with marriage and an HEA, not a sexual harrassment lawsuit and trauma that can only be undone with years of therapy.
In cases of female identical twins, one twin will always be the irresponsible, slutty, super-successful supermodel, while the other one is the shy, frumpy (yet still dazzlingly beautiful) librarian/teacher/nurse/pick your nurturing profession. The love story will be about the frumpy twin, of course.
Abortion and/or filing a paternity suit will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER occur to a heroine confronting an unwanted pregnancy.
ER doctors, cops, firefighters, military guys on active duty and other men working stressful jobs with long hours are sexual dynamos who are ready and willing to screw any time, all the time. Never, ever, ever will you see men in demanding, high-stress jobs be so tired that they fall asleep before their Staff of Power can pierce the Gates of Heaven.
Romances in general:
One, and only one, bad experience with a woman is justification enough for a hero to hate all women 4 evah and view them as dirty, conniving slutbags.
If the hero has had more than one bad experience with women, e.g. his mom AND his ex-wife screwed him over, pray the heroine has earplugs and elbow pads because there’s going to be a lot of yelling and rough grabbing goin’ on.
Jizzing once, and only once, inside a heroine when the hero initially planned to withdraw is enough to cause instantaneous pregnancy.
Pre-HEA, the heroine will either know instantly she’s pregnant, or be so clueless that she has to be informed by a friend or a maid when she’s beginning to show and she’s wondering why she’s getting fat. No middle ground.
Many non-virginal heroines will go for years without sex. But when she and hero finally make the beast with two backs, she feels no discomfort at all.
Same thing goes for doing it about 2 weeks after giving birth.
Oh, Tonda, ouch on the armor. That’s why you don’t date wacky Ren Fair guys!
My favorites:
-despite infrequency of bathing, oral sex is always a good idea (as mentioned by victoria)
– while Regency heroes get no more exercise than the occasional horseback ride (daily at best) they all have broad, muscled chests and chiseled abs
– Despite lack of cosmetics (or refusal to use them, because only sluts use lipstick) regency heroines never suffer from greasy t-zones, zits, or the dreaded femmestache. Oh, and their legs are always satiny smooth.
In romance books of any genre, if the heroine is a virgin then her hymen will be located several inches inside of her ‘gina.
AAAHHHHH! Holy shit, E.D’Trix, you’ve hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. God, if I weren’t at work, I’d look up that webpage I found one time showing what hymens looked like and where they were located.
This hasn’t happened in too many romances, but I remember reading in one how the hero inserted his finger inside the giney and then MASSAGED THE HYMEN TO RELAX IT.
*falls over*
Oh, and the hero feels the hymen with his penis. It’s not enough that she’s gloriously tight (yet gushing with heavenly dew). He feels the membrane, and it’s TOUGH, y’all.
Oh, I’m loving this. Personally, I like the educational goals romances set out.
In historicals, it is entirely possibly to have an exceptional command of Latin, Ancient Greek and accountancy – all picked up from occasional comments dropped by one’s brothers’ tutors.
Skip forward to today and the world of Science is littered with beautiful PhDs who have at least two degrees from assorted Ivy League schools plus something from Oxford, spent time at the Smithsonian and worked for the government – all by the age of 26.
You guys are cracking me up. I especially like the ones that I don’t use in my books! My villains are always sexually depraved, but that’s just a personal preference on my part. hehe
Romantic Suspense: The police will never believe the heroine’s claims about the crime. Unless the HERO is the investigator. Then he may be the only one to believe the heroine, or he may just humor her after being moved by her incredibly tragic story.
Many non-virginal heroines will go for years without sex.
And as a corollary to that:
In romances in which there’s a Long Separation between hero and heroine after First Instance of Nookie (FIN), the hero will attempt to rid himself of the memory of the heroine by banging anything with two legs. He will not succeed, of course.
Conversely, the heroine will either:
a) be pregnant with the secret baby and OF COURSE have no time to have sex with anyone, and/or
b) the memory of the FIN will be so powerful that she either enshrines the memory and won’t attempt to find someone else to scratch her itch because doing that would make her a DIRTY STINKING WHORE, or the few lovers she takes on will pale in comparison with the hero’s amazing instant orgasm-inducing wang so she doesn’t even bother.
In romances in which there’s a Long Separation between hero and heroine after First Instance of Nookie (FIN), the hero will attempt to rid himself of the memory of the heroine by banging anything with two legs. He will not succeed, of course.
And as an additional corollary to that:
When the hero and heroine are reunited, the heroine will attempt to appear as if she has been banging everything, includin the chair leg.
The hero will:
Either attempt to win back her love, because his years in a Turkish/French prison made him realize how much he cares about her, or he will appear indifferent as they steal lovelorn looks when the other isn’t watching.
Only the hero’s best buddy will notice and will attempt to get the h/h together by pretending a sexual interest in the heroine, who will accommodate him because she wants to make the hero jealous.
Some Rules of Paranormal Romance:
(1) If there are multiple vampires, one of them will always be irredeemably skanky.
(2) Faeries always fuck.
(3) Even if the hero uses a billboard in LA that plays the bagpipes to say I AM A VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF/FAERY/ETC, the heroine still won’t get it until after she’s gone to bed with him.
(4) Dream sequence statistics: 90% have deep mystical/alien/spooky significance; 69% will be an astral erotic encounter; 99.9% of them will irritate the reader.
(5) No matter how many times vampires suck blood, no one until Teresa Medeiros will have the common sense to ask about the consequences of blood breath.
If the hero was in the military, he must have been a rifleman (and always with the 95th, never with the 60th).
We must be reading different books, because all the military heroes I run across are in the cavalry, making me feel I was doing something at least vaguely different *for a romance* by having my hero be in the 95th, even if I can’t claim the slightest degree of originality within the larger set of Peninsular War fiction. (It’s those sexy uniforms, dammit. They’re irresistible.)
Oooh, this one applies to both romances AND superhero comics! To wit:
A raffish mask covering only the eyes and a hat covering his hair will be enough to fool the heroine about the hero’s secret identity. The mask will disguise not only the hero’s face, but his body, his voice, his smell, and yes, his taste, too. Because bless her heart, the heroine usually won’t guess at the hero’s alter ego even after Frenching the two of ‘em six ways to Sunday.
And naturally, the heroine will always feel like a ho for being equally attracted to two men at the same time.
The heroine is NOT allowed to sleep with both of them at the same time. That would make her a real ho, even if she’s cheating on the hero with himself, and we can’t have that.
Dream sequence statistics… 99.9% of them will irritate the reader
Yes! Please, please authors I beg of you: stop with the theoretically revealing but in actuality BORING AS SHIT dream sequences.
Another one for the historicals: the hero will always be an excellent rider with a horse of devilish spirit and intelligence that only he can tame and that he rescued from some dire situation of abuse. Corollary: the heroine will be the only female said horse has ever reacted to calmly and with amazing gentleness.
Candy—one of the funniest versions of that “masked man” scenario was Jude Deveraux’s The Raider where the heroine figures it out early on, ‘cause she’s not dumber than a brick, and drives the hero crazy by insisting the wimpy alter ego is much sexier.
back to regency historicals..
Heroine will be referred to as a bluestocking even if she never shows any sign of interest in academics beyond muttering a couple of lines from Shakespeare.
She will raise her chin and/or her nose at least once.
She will make a charming reference to boxing cant that will dazzle the hero.
She will show her concern for the war in France whilst all the other debutantes around her care only for fashion.
She will be kind to chimney sweeps and worn out hacks.
She will be so passionate about these causes, her nostrils might even flare.
There will be at least one embarrassing scene in the park, usually during the fashionable hour.
Jami wrote: Oh, Tonda, ouch on the armor. That’s why you don’t date wacky Ren Fair guys!
LOL! That’s now known as “Jim’s Corollary†to “Tonda’s Rules For Datingâ€*
1)No one who lives with his mom or ex-girlfriend/wife.
2)No one whose job has cheating built in (bartender, doorman, musician, etc.)
3)No one who thinks tennies are appropriate footwear for a non-sporting date.
4)No one who spent more than 8 years getting their BA.
5)No one who doesn’t have a “real†job (e.g. no “aspiring†anythings who can’t also pay their own share of the rent).
6)No one who can’t name the last book he read, and the book he’s currently reading without a long pause.
7)No one who’s dated three or more women who you personally know.
Jim’s Corollary: No one who works Ren Faire.
Kristie’s Corollary: No men who prefer cats to dogs.
The “Wayne†rule: No retreads; you broke up with him for a reason the first time around.
*As developed over diner on my 29th birthday.
There used to be 10, but I can’t seem to remember them all.
Two ways in which heroines are different from real women:
1. They combine double-D-cup breasts with delicate, waspish waists that the hero feels compelled to put his hands around.
2. Curly locks fall at least to their waists, if not their butts, are always soft, never frizzy, and never get pinned by the hero’s hand or elbow during nookie.
Historicals: A woman who’s just been deflowered in a meadow (experiencing the usual exploding-angels orgasm after a brief moment of ouchies) is perfectly happy to hop back on a galloping horse.
Paranormals: The vampire’s human lover must have psychic powers. Oh, and getting bitten is like having an orgasm, not at all like having your flesh ripped apart and vital fluids drained.