Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Feeling poorly because you’ve got a new grey hair? Maybe your first? Maybe your forty-fifteenth? Whatever. You’re still sexy. Trust us. 

Hey, remember this guy, Mr. Chest, Nuts, Roasting on an Open Fire?

Yeah, this dude:

With a little more gleam and a bigger tattoo, he Bites, apparently:

Jane from Dear Author forwarded us a cover image that’s so spectacular, we had to share it. And challenge you to caption it with the appropriate sound effect.

Jane: Doesn’t it look like she is squishing his 6 pack together and the muscles are going to burst out through the skin like some pus from a pimple?

Candy: FWARGH! I physically flinched when that cover loaded.

The coy way her fingers baaaarely cover his manly nipples is hilarious. And her fingers are causing the surrounding titty to WRINKLE. Are her fingers the equivalent of super sour candy FOR NIPPLES?

Sarah: Awful, isn’t it? Like he has saline implants and she’s massaging them.

Do you think his man titty sounds like that squelch when you jump on a waterbed?

And behold, a Smart Bitch Contest is born! Caption that Cover—Onomatopoeia Edition: What is the sound made my his man titty when squished by her stubby little fingers? Feel free to weigh in with whatever caption you like, LOLs or otherwise, but we’re looking for sound effects, folks.

Winner as judged by Jane, Candy and me will receive a copy of a copy of Manhandling by Karen Anders, and a $20 Gift Certificate to Amazon or Powells (your choice).

Here’s a slightly-fuzzy close up of the wrinkly squish to, you know, inspire you. 

“The Photoshop Job That Almost Made me Snort a Grape (Ow)” Award of the day goes to Lisa Paitz Spindler for her marble-rye inspired headshopping of our last cover snark. OMG. HA.

Thanks to Kate Rothwell for the heads up. 

This week: costume drama, as in ‘How much drama do costume portrayals like these cause among those who, you know, do research?’

Sarah: Between the ruffles and the puffy sleeves and the vest, I had to giggle. The ice dancing puff-shouldered heroine was worth a snort, too. But the incredibly bendy legs of the horse? Oh, holy shit.

Candy: Miss Manners on graceful abduction-on-horseback etiquette: “Gentle abductee: The new rage when being pulled off your feet by frilly-shirted men on horseback is to struggle for freedom, but it seems to Miss Manners that this new development lacks a certain couthness and grace. Try arching your back to present a flattering profile, and remember to keep that pinkie up. Packing your own fan to ensure your tresses stream behind you is, however, gauche at best, and implies that your abductor does not know his job. In this particular instance, Miss Manners would like to gently remind you that natural is best.”

Sarah: Nobody forgets the nude dude at the garden party, that’s for sure.

Candy: Titles that were briefly contemplated for this cover before being discarded:

“The Nudist and the Drag Queen”

“Is That Really a Third Nipple?”

“Still Life with Schlong and Potted Geranium”

“For the Love of a Dead-Faced Hooker”

Sarah: Nothing but NOTHING says “Scottish” like slops. And purple hose. In the ocean.

Candy: What the fuck are those black smudges on his chest? Are they supposed to be chest hair? I mean, I have full sympathy for artists trying to depict chest hair without making it look smudgy, but seriously: the bits on his sternum look like grease paint. The better to accentuate his top-notch man-titty?