Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Entry #1: Taint Bottomwell

Lord Taint Bottomwell III surveyed the quivering ass flower so shamelessly displayed before him. Sir Christopher’s anus was an exotic star fruit ready to be plucked from the vine, ripe for the breed of love one man could only find with another.

With the delicacy of a botanist about to stroke a soft, blushing rose petal, Lord Bottomwell reached out one long, thick finger--the sort of tan, manly finger only men of strength possess--and slicked pale oil like cool white wine, oil scented with endless forbidden nights of strong masculine heat, over the rosy, puckered hole beckoning him as a diamond beckons a master thief.

“Taint! Oh god!” Sir Christopher howled his pleasure as Lord Bottomwell plunged first one digit and then two into the tight man hole. “Yes!”

“Then you would have me claim you as my own?” Taint’s own anus twitched with excitement at the thought of claiming and being claimed in return.

Sir Christopher arched his hips in silent invitation. Taint could wait no longer.

He plunged in, driving his lean, well-muscled, panther-like hips forward, a wanton cry escaping his lush mouth as the entire throbbing length of his purpled lovepump was swallowed by Sir Christopher’s smooth-walled, quivering backdoor tunnel. Sir Christopher’s round buttocks, smooth and hot like a stone in the sun, smacked against Taint’s aching groin.

Just then, the study door flew open. “Taint you are the terrible bastard king of assholery!”

Taint smiled and plunged deeper. “Why yes, father. Yes I am.”

Entry #2: Heather’s Hollow

Heather’s pert breasts heaved with excitement as Raoul prepared her tight hollow for the commanding thrust of his hard rod of love.  Plunging two fingers into the wet haven between her silky thighs, Raoul swept up the sweet creamy passion dripping from the nest of curls and rubbed it around the shy opening peeking at him from between the smooth globes of her round ass.  Raoul’s eyelids fell as he stroked inside her tight love-hole, watching as cries of passion fell from her cherry red mouth.  Positioning the broad head of his manroot, flushed a dull plum and shining from his passion, at the opening of her forbidden hollow, he pushed it into her petite cavity with short strokes, the ripe globes of her breasts bouncing against the mattress from the force of his passionate thrusting.

“Can you take it all, little girl?” Raoul asked, his voice rough with dark need.  She had pushed him too far this time, but with a start he realized he loved the little hellion laid out before him, and he wanted to be sure she was ready for his massive cock, the thick shaft nearly as wide as her wrist.

“Yes!” Heather screamed, driving against the hot length of him, burying it deep in her tight channel.  Raoul’s eyes rolled back in his head at the feeling of her fist-tight channel gripping his steel-hard cock.  Raoul groaned, grasping her hips and pumping the length of his shaft in and out of her.  Heather gasped at every rocking thrust and sobbed at every long withdrawal, her shuddering cries heightening his pleasure, until he shouted his climax.  Whimpering at the feeling of his hot seed shooting into her, Heather felt her womb convulse, as a rampaging orgasm overtook her.

Entry #3: Treatment Effects

Ally sucked in her gut and tried hard not to let the burp escape.  She had been waiting for months for Tom to finally put the moves on her and after a fabulous dinner at Red Lobster and their glorious, buttery, mouth-watering Ultimate Feast she was partially sated. 

Now she wanted more… and she was getting it!  Tom was a vigorous and virile lover and couldn’t seem to get enough of her bountiful, bodacious booty.  He had her bent over his card table and was experimenting with Crisco.  Ally whimpered then burped. Tom chuckled and slapped her cheeks muttering about ripples in a pond. 

Ally wasn’t paying attention to him.  Instead she was trying to ignore the gurgling, burbling, and rumbling in her gut.  Gripping the table she cursed herself for taking an Alli before her date.  She cursed herself for having the extra butter dip brought to the table.  But most of all she was cursing Tom for trying to dip his lobster tail in her rear butter dish.  Her gut twisted while Tom hooted and plugged her Crisco coated brown cauliflower. 

Grunting out a desperate “Gnnnngghh!” Ally gave way to the burning and churning passion inside her intestines and let the Alli sweep her away.  With an explosive gasp Ally let Alli have its wicked way with her and expelled Tom as well as a wave of “treatment effects“.  Heaving Tom aside Ally made a mad dash for the bathroom, silently despairing of her craving for tasty, buttery, fried fish.

Entry #4: Amelia Buttington

Miss Amelia, the prim, virginal, near-spinster American heiress to the obscenely large Buttington fortune, would never have dreamed she would have found herself in the arms of Lord Derrier Beefwhistle, the devilish, half-French, and also obscenely large Duke of Assbourne. In a course of a few minutes she lay face down on his brown satin sheets as he pulled apart her tender cheeks like a priest opening his favourite Bible or a loyal hound trying to explain comparative theology to another hound, or really any important subject, as doggy communication all really amounted to the same thing. Speaking of amounted, she could feel him gathering himself behind her to push his manly bough in between the ripe, round flesh of her peach-like bum till he reached the pit itself. Mother always said to watch out for heartless rakes, so eager to turn a brown eye blue, but now she wanted him to, although in a distant part of herself she admitted it would probably be more purple or red by the end of it – she was a virgin near-spinster after all, and he was obscenely large.

“What do you want?” she moaned.

“In the butt,” he replied. “What, what!” Who could resist that British charm?

Entry #5: Fessess Rimmer

Fesses Rimmer writhed in agonized pleasure, face-down on the large bed, entwined with two gorgeous men like a multi-limbed human starfish. She gazed lustfully at the chocolate buns presented by her firm’s senior partner, Ben Doon. As she reached forward to grasp the resilient globes of his ass, she shuddered at the firm caress delivered sharply against her own generous bottom by the junior partner, Phil McCraken.

“Did you know, Fesses,” Phil crooned, as he generously applied lube to her sweet Rosette, “that fine chocolate can actually help lower your cholesteral?”

Fesses did know, but her answer was muffled by that most sensuous of body parts, as she delved feverishly into the nerve-rich cornucopia of male pleasure before her. Her tongue ached with delight as she tickled Ben’s wrinkled bon-bon. His gasps and twitches melted her insides with shared arousal, as Phil’s finger circled her posterior entrance.

“Ooh, yeah, take it, baby,” Phil muttered as he introduced a second finger into her. “God, you’re tight!”

“Do it, Phil!” Ben hollered, as his ass cheeks quivered in Fesses’ grasp. “I’m gonna blow!  Do it now!”

Phil whipped his fingers out and abruptly pried apart Fesses’ sweet booty. As the blunt head of his cock began to inch slowly inside of her nether amuse-bouche, he growled, “Chocolate contains phenylethylamine, an amino acid which has aphrodisiac prop—AAH, God!”

His Mr. Big sent ripples of ecstasy up and down her spine.  It was too much.  With a (still muffled) scream, she came.

Entry #6: Vishous & Butch

Vishous didn’t waste any time after he stepped into the shower. He stripped down, letting the water sluice over his steroid-free muscles and over his rampaging erection. Damn, that O or KY Jelly or whatever that bastard Omega’s name was always got him hot… after a fight.

It wasn’t because of that pasty white skin or the lurking power beneath those soulless eyes. Nope, Vishous didn’t swing that way unless it was…

“Ice ice baby,” Butch rapped, washing the suds off those hard, steroid-induced muscles.

Yeah, he wanted some of that. Before he knew it, he found himself standing behind Butch. His fangs lengthened as did his cock. “Your ass is mine,” he growled.

Butch glanced over his shoulder. “Bitch, if you don’t give me some of that hard cock, I’m going to have a serious case of some blue balls.”

“Whatevah, Napoli. Place your hands on that wall and spread them—now.” Vishous’ dead heart started pumping again as Butch leaned forward, his butt muscles clenching. He closed the distance between them, taking his long, hard thick cock—all three inches—in one hand and rubbing it between the cleft of Butch’s ass.

Butch moaned. “Don’t go slow… like last time.”

Vishous didn’t answer but concentrated on slipping his cock inch by inch by inch until he was firmly settled inside. “So damn hot, Butchy.”

He knew he wouldn’t last long. He never did.

And when he came two seconds later, he bit Butch’s neck, marking him. “Mine.”

Entry #7: The Greek Billionaire’s Bottom Lines, The Secret Mistress/Virgin Bride’s Revenge, or *

Nico, the world’s tallest purveyor of starfruit, okra, garbanzos, and zucchini, studied the mysterious e-mail. It was from BVSM at hotmale.com, and consisted of a large asterisk and the word “tonight.”

The illiterate fool. Anyone who could not spell BDSM was no threat to the bottom line of his lovely vegetable empire.

Although the asterisk was somewhat…menacing.

Nico looked away from the computer as the door swung open. “Peggy,” he said blankly. What was his virgin bride doing here?

Then another woman appeared. Verita, his secret mistress, holding a gun.  Pointed at him.

He rose. “What’s going on?”

“We’ve been married six years, Nico, and I’m still a virgin,” Peggy replied coldly. “You’ve been too busy boinking Verita to deflower me.” She pulled an enormous zucchini out of her shoulder bag. “Now it’s payback time.”

Nico looked over at Verita, but saw no sympathy there. “I’ve had four secret babies with you, Nico,” she said. She cocked the gun. “Now it’s time for you to feel what it’s like to be shafted. Put your hands on the desk.”

“This is all a big misunderstanding,” Nico said slowly.

“Misunderstanding, my ass,” said Peggy. “Turn around and bend over, Nico.”

He turned and planted his hands on the smooth mahogany of his desk. Peggy unzipped his trousers and shoved them down. He felt the sudden penetration and smiled as his cock grew hard. It was ironic. 

Because this was his favorite rape fantasy. 

Entry #8: Porcelane

Daryoon shuddered in anticipation. He had never met anyone as wild and spunky, downright fiery, even adventurous, as the young woman he had only met a day ago. She had stirred his blood and his loins. Now here they were, alone, next to a convenient waterfall, her hair blowing westerly, his shirt blowing northeast. “Porcelane, I’m not sure this is, well, kosher.”

She rolled her large tawny eyes, “Look, it totally doesn’t count as real sex, this way I’m still a virgin. Trust me, I’ve done this loads of times.”

He started to think about that last bit, but then she was already in front of him. There Porcelane placed the two perfect pale pert pillows of her posterior that when parted would present a practicab-

“Uh-hum!” She let out irritably.

“Oh, right, sorry. So, um, should I take it slow or…”

“Nah. Just go for it.”

“Erm.”

“Really. In fact, the faster and harder the better.”

He steadied himself placing his hands on her slender hips. Indeed, his fiery, sort of, virgin beckoned to him and he would both heed and answer the call. He plunged forth into her pleasurable postern portal, and lost himself in further blissful alliteration.

Entry #9: Do You Dare?

“Do you dare?” He whispered as softly as a sigh. A bead of rain water fell from his hair and slipped down between her breasts.  She felt the water warm as it ran down her torso.

She couldn’t answer him and instead looked upon the pile of wet clothes they had shed after finding shelter from the downpour. She brought her eyes up to his; his crystal blue eyes stealing her breath. “I dare.”

His smiled coyly as he always did when he got his way. As he bent down to kiss her his hand found her breast and teasingly massaged her nipple.  His hand trailed down further to the spot he called “pearl” and she came in a series of pleasurable moans.

His fingers went lower. He ran his hand along her buttocks and then pushed between them.  Slowly one finger entered, then two. He brought his other hand up, running his fingers lightly over her thighs, and these fingers now found pearl.  She bit her lip as his penis entered the warm wetness just below pearl; she came again. He withdrew, and brought his penis down further, gently spreading her legs even wider and pushed in. She winced, and he withdrew. He pushed in again and again, every time going further and pushing harder.  The hand massaging pearl brought her orgasm after orgasm.  He came and collapsed to his side to gaze over at her with those crystalline eyes.

She smiled coyly at him. “Do you dare?”

And speaking of absurd, check out the page for the “limited edition solid silver anus:”

55 grams of hallmarked silver, cradled in a magnificent presentation box and exquisitely crafted into that most sensuous of body parts: a unique, elegant and thought-provoking gift.

People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience. A quality product immortalised in silver…for the man who has everything.”

Two words, people, two words: Father’s. Day.
Two more words - no, three: Smart Bitch Contest! 

All awe and giggles at the solid silver booty holes aside, we must consider it our solemn dooty, I mean, duty, to hold a contest to celebrate the imminent sales extravaganza that is the solid chocolate doorway to the doody canal. Seriously! What better promotional effort could release wads of dollars from the tight brown folds of your nearest wallet like the Smart Bitchery’s purplest prose?

So, here’s the deal: your finest over-the-top purplest purple (or brown) prose example of an anal sex scene (250 word limit, please!) by midnight tonight 21 May 2008, Pacific Time. I’ll collate and post them all and you can vote and giggle at the wonderment.

Winner as voted in the comments will receive a Smart Bitch Title™, a Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit, and a gift certificate to Powell’s or Amazon, winner’s choice.

Any questions? Send ‘em where the sun don’t shine. Just kidding. 

Second, another coronation! To Bronwwyn, who identified all three books in an HaBO trilogy, kneel, and welcome to the Peerage™:

And, prizes! For LOLCovers, which, should you need a reason to wet your pants, well, it seems the Bitchery is happy to provide. By collective voting on- and offline, the winner was Aubrey, for the entry that literally made me snort coffee up my nose. Aubrey, please so I can mail you your prize - the Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit.

There was a tie for second place, and the voting as a whole was so close that I also want to give mad props and big ups and random bits of shouting to Tinkerbon and Soni, whose entries were totally wheeze-worthy. I was long past laughter looking at these entries - I was well into “wheeze and gasp laughter” territory. Good for the abs, I hear.

Third place: to Jenifer, who took the worst of the worst and made them oh-so-awesome.

Shae’s In Ur Ass, Savin’ Ur Life

(Inspired by the Decadent review)
1 shot Jägermeister
1 shot Strawberry Pucker
1 shot Cherry Pucker
1 shot Watermelon Pucker
First, take a whiff of the delicious smell of the three pucker shots. Then, completely mess up your senses by drinking the Jager (definitely not what you were expecting, right?). Follow up the Jager with the three pucker shots. The yummy flavor will definitely be a life saver and the results of the drink will leave you as confused as the book.

Kathleen says: OMG.  Paula Abdul voice: You took a risk tonight, and that’s what I love about you.  You’re never afraid to try something new and different, and you could have failed greatly, but you didn’t.  You have a marvelous talent, and you’re sure to go far.  Five shots.

Krsylu’s Centrifugal Bumblepuppy
Lots of Ice
1/4 cup Vodka
Grape Juice
Apple Juice
Cranberry Juice
Fill (and I mean fill) 2qt blender with ice. Add vodka. Fill remaining space with juice in whatever flavor proportion tastes good to you. Pulse blender until ice is crushed. Serve to your guests. Tell them they will know they are drunk when they can no longer say “Centrifugal Bumblepuppy”.
Given the amount of ice, it does not take long for the hilarity to commence!

Kathleen says, This sounds really good, and a great party drink.  I think my kids would love it, which would get me arrested in most states.  Four and a half shots.

Rachel’s Purple Prose

1 shot parfait amour
1 shot blackberry liqueur
1 shot grape juice
1 shot sloe gin
1 shot chambord
1 shot of brandy
1 shot of...hey, what else you got back there?  What do you mean, that’s too much already?  There’s no such thing as too much!  I’m not done yet, keep pouring!
1 shot of cointreau
1 shot of Tequila Rose
1 shot of vodka
Garnish with a cherry, a wedge of lemon, a slice of watermelon, a slice of orange, a slice of apple, and any other fruit the greengrocer next door might have.

Kathleen says, Oh, I love the kitchen sink recipes… and this sounds sort of like a wine-thang.  I likey and will experiment.  Four and a half shots.

Silver James’ 69 Bitches

6 oz. di Saronno Amaretto
9 oz. Dom Perignon champagne
Cocktail cherries
Drop cherry into a frosted champagne flute. Gently shake amaretto and champagne over ice, pour into flute. When you get to the cherry in the bottom, “pop” the cherry and tie the stem in a knot using only your teeth and tongue. You won’t be going home alone.

Kathleen says, Okay, anyone with Dom Perignon is going to get five shots, simply because you have exquisite taste. 

Carrie Lofty’s The Napoli

**The Napoli
2 parts sufuric acid
2 parts gasoline (unleaded)
1 part denatured alcohol
1 part soy sauce
1 part pineapple juice
2 habanero peppers and a cherry
Coz he deserves the very best.

Kathleen says, ROFL.  Five shots.  Anyone who throws gasoline makes me fearful of grading anything less.

Leslie Hubank’s The Category Romance Cocktail
Ingredients:
A crystal glass (Waterford preferred)
2 Tbs Pie Cherries pureed (A virgin with mixed feelings)
3 Oz Champagne (Sparkle and some cash required)
2 Oz Tequila (Made from cactus because a little prick now and then is a good thing
Optional ingredients: Egyptian pickles (lots of salt, garlic and hot stuff)
For the Chic Sheikh; Bad coffee and bitters for the Divorced Cop version; and Whole Organic Milk for the Tanned Bland Hero.

Kathleen says, ROFL.  Oh, dawg, you brought it home, tonight.  Five shots.

Melissa Marr’s Vampire Kisses, with Teeth Variation

1 oz Midori
1 oz Chambord Raspberry liquer
1 oz Triple Sec
dash sours
dash of cranberry for the red trickle look [Do this last step in front of the customer]
(cocktail, heavy rocks)

*ALT-- Kisses with Teeth

-add 2 oz Vodka instead of Triple Sec

Kathleen says, This sounds really close to Sex On the Beach, which is always a big treat.  I’m going to experiment with this Vampire Kisees-thang.  If I don’t return at daylight, put a stake through my heart.  I’m done.

DBN’s Secret Baby

Malibu Rum
Orange Juice
Atomic Fireball in the bottom of glass

Kathleen says, ROFL.  Atomic fireball and secret baby?  It must be old-Linda Howard.  It must.

Yvonna’s Stiff Concoction

1/3 pulque
2/3 clear 151 proof rum
Garnish with a whole carrot at least 6 inches long

Kathleen says I love this one, but I would like a longer carrot.  Five stars, because, dawg, now you’re rocking.

**Fill a cocktail shaker with ice
Pour in a shot of tequila (good stuff if you have it!)
Add 1 tablespoon (more or less depending on taste) Powdered Gatorade Mix
Top off with seltzer
Shake and strain into a glass
I have also done this with champagne instead of seltzer and I have heard of people using beer. As you can imagine, this was originally created out of what was left over at the end of an archaeology job out in the field. It’s very good though! We always called it a tequila fizz but maybe it needs a better name....

Kathleen says Oh, yum, another drink that my kids would love but that would get me arrested.  I’m thinking of names:  Tequila Nights, Tequila sin, Tequila seduction, Hot, Sassy, Tequila, the Tequila Affair, Naughty Tequila, Tequila Undone, Tequila confessions, Extreme Tequila, Tequila Fantasy, Tequila Wild, or Tequila Delight.  I think Tequila Wild is my fav.  Five shots.

KJsGrrl’s The Husky Murmur

1 can strawberry crush
splash of vodka
splash of tequila
splash of gin
splash of peach schnapps
1 large plastic cup (no need to dirty a real glass!)
Swirl it around in the cup, gulp it down. Once it’s down you’ll be talking with that same husky murmur all the sexy people use in romance novels...or you’ll just be headed straight to the bathroom to pay homage.

Kathleen says I’m fascinated by this, intrigued by its sultry list of ingredients, yet it’s blue-collar-plastic-cup-ness.  Five shots.