Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

We have two winners in our Caption That Cover contest, one a come-out-of-nowhere (well, from our inbox) stealth winner that cracked us up so hard, it’s not even measurable.

Eve Savage sent us a sound effect. Seriously. She couldn’t figure out how to spell it, but dude, it was perfection. Candy called it “blergh-tastic” and she’s right. Jane thought it was spiffy as well.

Right click and save to give a listen!

So from the “Ouch I laughed too hard” department, Eve Savage wins for auditory submission of what sound that man’s nipple would make. Eve, congratulations, and enjoy your $20 gift certificate from Amazon and Powells.

And on to the commented entries! The winner of a $20 gift certificate and a copy of Manhandling (or “Man Titty Squishing” as the case may be) is:

Leslie Dicken for “hsssssssssssssssssssssssssss.” The simplicity and hilarity of your very own blow-up Blaze hero was too much to resist. Congrats, Leslie, and email me with your contact info for appropriate prize awarding!

Jane from Dear Author forwarded us a cover image that’s so spectacular, we had to share it. And challenge you to caption it with the appropriate sound effect.

Jane: Doesn’t it look like she is squishing his 6 pack together and the muscles are going to burst out through the skin like some pus from a pimple?

Candy: FWARGH! I physically flinched when that cover loaded.

The coy way her fingers baaaarely cover his manly nipples is hilarious. And her fingers are causing the surrounding titty to WRINKLE. Are her fingers the equivalent of super sour candy FOR NIPPLES?

Sarah: Awful, isn’t it? Like he has saline implants and she’s massaging them.

Do you think his man titty sounds like that squelch when you jump on a waterbed?

And behold, a Smart Bitch Contest is born! Caption that Cover—Onomatopoeia Edition: What is the sound made my his man titty when squished by her stubby little fingers? Feel free to weigh in with whatever caption you like, LOLs or otherwise, but we’re looking for sound effects, folks.

Winner as judged by Jane, Candy and me will receive a copy of a copy of Manhandling by Karen Anders, and a $20 Gift Certificate to Amazon or Powells (your choice).

Here’s a slightly-fuzzy close up of the wrinkly squish to, you know, inspire you. 

Cheyenne McCray used a highly scientific method for picking her winners for the Cast a Spell, Win a Book Contest: Sleepy child random number generating.

“I have my youngest son pick numbers in the range of total entries. This time he was half asleep, but I managed to pry the winning numbers out of him.  Those numbers translated into the following 13 winners!

I really enjoyed reading along through all the entries. I’m one of those that wants to say “all of the above!” But if I have to choose one, I’ll stick with a spell for a clean house which includes wiping off whatever’s on my youngest son’s face from what he’s just eaten.

Thanks so much for finding homes for these ARCs of Dark Magic!”

The winners are:

Cheyenne McCray has 13 ARCs of her new book Dark Magic and these ARCs are looking for homes. Why not with Bitchery members, right? The book comes out in November, so you can get a sneak peek at the story. All you have to do is come up with an answer to the following question: if you could create one fail-safe spell that would be yours to use forever, what would it be?

Me? The ability to wave my hands and have clutter, dirty dishes, and random crap strewn about my house instantly in its place. This particularly applies to the stuffed animals that one of my cats sees fit to “kill” and “present” to us while we’re not home, leaving us with about six or seven “dead” stuffed animals on the kitchen floor every single day.

Cheyenne’s is similar - a wave of one hand, and the house is clean. What about you? What powerful spell would you like to have in your arsenal? Never being late? Never sitting in traffic (oh, I might have to change my answer now....)? Name your spell in the next 24 hours, and Cheyenne will pick 13 winners. Bibbity, bobbity, boo!

I know a few people, including myself, who want to be in Australia right now. Not only was there that whole RWA (Aussie) conference that just ended, but certain people from certain publishers are running around Oz having a grand old time (even though it’s winter there, oy!) and have I mentioned enough how much I love Australia and New Zealand? I might even learn to appreciate the salty strangeness that is vegemite.

Aussies and Kiwis are some lovely people. Having worked with scores of them in summer camps over the years, I can tell you, if you want to have a mad crush on a nationality, Aussies and Kiwis are the way to go. They’re gregariously friendly, and, if sweeping generalizations could be made (which they are round these parts like damn and howdy), they have a sort of beach mentality. Relax. Go outside. Have a beer. While Americans (sweeping generalization ahoy!) are inveterate workaholics, Aussies and Kiwis seem, from my faraway viewpoint, to be much more laid back, and gosh how I envy that. I’m not cut out to be a workaholic.

The other thing I love about the lands down under, particularly at this moment Australia, is the entire showbag concept. You go to a show or a fair, like the Royal Easter Show or the Royal Melbourne Show, and there’s show bags you can buy. Kind of like the baddest of the badass party favors, only you buy them. Different vendors put together bags for folks to purchase, from dude-centered magazines to something called the Bertie Beetle showbag. This September, at the Royal Melbourne Show, the Grand Ridge brewery will be selling a $10,000 “showbag” packed with beer and beef.

(Special note to Spoetzl Brewery: please sell showbag filled with Shiner Bock in New Jersey. Preferably at the Meadowlands, because I can drive there and pick up all my beer. xoxoxo, Sarah)

Also appearing at the Royal Melbourne? The same showbag that filled my heart with great chest-hair laden joy: the Hoff Bag. Filled with a t-shirt, wig, mug, fluffy dice, beer cozy (known in Oz as a stubby cooler), headband, wristband, air freshener, bottle opener, necklace, ring, all in a red cloth bag, the Hoff Bag is a piece of wonderment that will keep folks talking for years. Particularly the air freshener. That part nearly made Hubby fall off his chair giggling.

Thanks to two wonderful Australians, I have something SO cool, I’m not sure what to do with it. I have TWO Hoff bags. TWO. All that Hoffin’, just for me. From faraway Australia, the Hoff and his bag o’ booty arrived in Jersey, tempting me with the headband action and the fine beer cozy. Well, the beer cozy was easy to resist. I can’t buy Shiner in Jersey.

Now I have to figure out what to do with these here bags of Hoff. Who wants a small piece of Australia and a furry piece of Hoff? Who can resist the possibilities of The Hoff Bag? What shall I do to award these majestic bags of Hoff? Any ideas?

I mean, Hoff wig, y’all. HOFF WIG.