Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Man, you guys came up with some real doozies, but my favorite name was Bitchy-Bitchy Bang Bang, submitted by your favorite Super Librarian (and mine), Wendy. Behold, Wendy! Your shiny new Smart Bitch title! It’s even gas-efficient. Guaranteed to get at least 38 mpg in the city and 45 mpg on the highway.

Honorable mentions go to:

Fellow Smart Bitch Sarah for “The Simian Rectum” (which I modified to “The Sapphire Simian Rectum)
Joyce Ellen Armond for “The Indigo Bitchy-Go”
E.D’trix for “The Blue Baller”
Crystal for “Slut Sleigh”
Amy E. for “Babe the Blue Box”
Darlene for “The Best Blue Job You’ll Ever Get”
cw for “The Hatchback of Notre Dame” (would that make my car Quasimotor?)

And many, many thanks to everyone who indulged in my dorkery and came up with so many awesome names.

Next up, when my sinuses stop making me feel as if a donkey has kicked me in the forehead: More Romance Mad Libs! Also, Covers Gone Wild! Same Bitch Time, Same Bitch Channel!

BEHOLD!

Candy’s new whoremobile!

Another shot of my new machine:

I am especially glad to get rid of my New Beetle because last Thursday night, the engine splashguard/rock plate (an unwieldy plastic piece that bolted underneath the car) decided to spontaneously come loose, dragged along the ground while I was going 55 mph on I-84 and SCARED THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF ME.

It’s a BAD thing when a new-ish car with less than 100,000 miles starts shedding pieces of itself for no discernible reason, something Volkswagen has yet to figure out, I think. So I’m defecting to the Japanese.

Anyway, enough babbling! The contest is simple enough: Come up with the bitchinest name you can think of for my new Scion xA. The Beetle was variously called Kermit, Miss Kitty and Ghetto Whoremobile (after the windshield got cracked and various bits of the interior started falling off). You have until Saturday to impress the hell out of me. I’ll pick the winner on Sunday, and she--or he, but how many men read this blog, really?--will receive one of our hand-stitched, lovingly crafted Smart Bitch titles.

Go ahead, be creative. Profanity encouraged.

Queens, Princesses, Duchesses, Marchionesses, Countesses, Viscountesses and Baronesses, and members of the Court of Bitchery, We have a Winner in the haiku contest!

In a stunning and slightly amusing tie, PC Cast and her Phabulous Daughter have won the haiku contest, garnering equal numbers of votes for their haikus, number #4 and #5:

Ode to Mantittyfruit

4.
Succulent, firm flesh
Manfruit waiting to be plucked
Nipple dew…so sweet

5.
Hair on man titties?
Nay! (gasp) Abomination!
My Dear Sweet Lord – WAX.

So without further ado, we hereby crown PC Cast and her daughter:

We also had a number of honorable mention votes for E. D’Trix’s #11 and #12, so congratulations on fine efforts as well. We seem to all be suckers for anything that makes the baby Jesus cry. 

We are so blessed in the abundance of man-titty, and of man-titty haiku!

Here’s the voting rules: email or your vote by Tuesday, June 21.

When you vote, tell us the name of the haiku author, plus the number of the haiku you are voting for. Many authors submitted multiple haikus so we want to make sure which literary man-titty poem you are voting for.

And without futher ado, or without any ado at all, behold: Man Titty Haiku

Lilith, bless her heart, was evil enough to suggest a Man-Titty Haiku Contest in honor of all the bodacious boobage displayed by romance cover models (generated by anabolic steroid abuse or Poser 3D, take your pick). And we just thought it was a swell idea. Winner gets one of our oh-so-coveted Smart Bitch titles!

Rules & Deadlines:

1. This is a 5/7/5 haiku format contest.

2. Please email your entries to Sarah or Candy by Friday, June 17.

3. We will post an entry with all the contestants, and you vote via email until Tuesday, June 21.

4. Winner announced Wednesday, June 22.

Here are some masterpieces Candy came up with:

Bulging pectorals
Shade me from the sun and rain.
All hail man-titty!

So firm and bouncy.
Can’t resist. Must pinch man-boob!
Gym queen squeals loudly.

Smooth, firm chest, girly
face and tight little buttocks.
Guy or girl? Who cares?

I rub cheek on man
titty. Mmm, firm. Ouch! Stubble!
Man-titty beard burn.

And from Sarah:

OH HELL YES, I SAY
Man-titty haiku contest?
Let there be manboobs!

Firm, soft, silken orbs,
with puckered cherry nipples
she- oh! Fabio!

Saggy baggy boobs
head south toward his treasure trail.
Woe, post-partum sag.

A solar eclipse!
Warmth blotted out by shadow!
Oh. Lord Mantitte stood up.