Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

In honor of this year’s Bulwer Lytton prize winners for 2008, it’s time, I think, for the worst first line in a romance novel competition. I know there is a “romance” category in the real Bulwer-Lytton, but given the depths (hur) of your creativity, there needed to be more.

You know the drill: give us your original works of horrid first line art, that you yourself wrote, as awful and excellent as possible please! Comments are open for 24 hours, so leave your first line of awesomeness there. I’ll be doing something different this time around, though: in the comments, we’ll take nominations for the finals. So if you see a first line there you like, nominate it for the finals, and I’ll post the final slate of top-nominated first lines for final voting.

First prize: $25 gift certificate for the bookstore of your choice (Powell’s or Amazon), plus Romance Novel Poetry Kit for your eternal amusement while you stand at the fridge wondering if you’re hungry or just wanted to feel a cool breeze.

Second prize: Something Awesome. I’m not at the Prize Suitcase right now but there’s awesome in there, I promise.

Third Prize: see above!

Why The Henley Bodice Prize? Because Virginia Henley wrote some marvelously bizarre and downright screeching first scenes for her novels, with some great first lines, particularly my favorite, Dream Lover:

As the perfectly formed, timeless shape of the rounded head emerged, still glistening with wetness, Emerald couldn’t take her eyes from it.

Bring it on!

During RWA, we had a contest running for an ARC of Marta Acosta’s new book, Bride of Casa Dracula. Then entries in the contest are so damn funny I was wheezing in the hallways as I read them. I’m sure someone thought I had a rather odd repiratory disorder, because I’d be snorting at my phone and giggling.

Marta emailed me with the winners, and asked me to convey the following:

There were so many incredible stories for this contest that I’ve had a really difficult time picking my favorites—and a really fun time reading them aloud to my husband.

The first winner is Emmy for her tragic tale of a marriage that was disastrous from the beginning (husband bailing on wedding night) to it’s ultimate conclusion (pregnant secretary).

The second place is Joanna and the Halloween wedding.  I was laughing so hard I couldn’t finish reading aloud.

The third book goes to Elizabeth Wadsworth for a wedding story that proves that love, sense, and happiness are not mutually exclusive.

And I’ve got an ARC without the title page, so that goes to Miah, for enduring “gaslighting” by a psychotic mother-in-law/seamstress, a theme which comes up in The Bride of Casa Dracula.

Honorable mentions:  WryHag for bravely wading into cold water to save beer.  JennK for “cheese log rolled in corn flakes.” Cellan for “macaroni cross.” Fall from Grace for using “butt wiggle” and “toilet water” together.” JoyKenn for sitting on her wedding cake.  Meagan who suffered for love.  Booklight for a dark and dramatic tale of conspiracy and corruption.  Marsha for giving us a moment of loveliness and grace.  Jackie for playing air guitar at her reception.  Malin and her “shoes make the bridesmaid” tale of terror.  Amanda G. and her patchwork wedding dress. The Rotund for “blue and white satin Civil War recreation gowns.” Amelia for the camouflage wedding gear.” Staple for two left shoes.  Sarah Frantz for her Shakespearean tale of familial sabotage.  Jennifer Armintrout for her story of the demon bitch in mourning.  Collette for sounding the battle cry of the bride:  ““I’m the fucking bride asshole.  I’ll park wherever the fuck I want.”

Thanks to everyone for the wonderful stories!  Please visit my blog next week for some book giveaways.

If you’re a winner (yay!) you can , and I’ll pass them along to Marta. Thanks for playing, y’all. 

Marta Acosta has offered up three ARCs of her new book Bride of Casa Dracula for Bitchery readers - and all we want is your best or worst wedding memory. Easy, right? Doesn’t even have to be your own wedding. Could be someone else’s.

For example, I know a certain Smart Bitch who was once a bridesmaid, and the dress was a certain shade that turned that Smart Bitch a very greenish shade of green, without the added enjoyment of nausea. To add fun to frolic, said Smart Bitch was the lone short dark haired attendant among a sea of tall, lithe, blonde, and tanned Southern bridesmaids. Oh, it was lovely. I mean, compared to some dresses out there, she got lucky, but still. Oy.

Marta says, “I actually don’t have a worst wedding memory.  City Hall ceremony, small gathering at my parents’ house, margaritas and Mexican food.  Okay, except that my husband and I woke up the next morning and we both said, ‘What the hell have we done!’”

Now, my very favorite worst wedding story, one that I reread for added laughs when I’m having a hard day, is the Titanic wedding dress story from Etiquette Hell. Enjoy - but do not feel like your comment has to be that long!

I’ve often said that people do two things at weddings: they get married or they get offended. I usually try to make sure I’m not in the latter group, since I’ve already participated in the former. So what’s your best or worst wedding memory? Share! Your comment enters you in a chance to win an ARC - you have 24 hours, and Marta will pick the winner. Ready, set, go!

By the power of Greyskull, the Random Integer Generator hooked me up with some righteous digits. Behold, the winners in The Accidental Demon Slayer giveaway:

1: Kimberly D

17: jenifer

50: Dorilys

82: Christine J

106: KristenMary

Congratulations to the winners! And thanks to Angie Fox and Dorchester (known as “The Dorch” in my house) for a spiffy interview and spiffy prizes! 

Thanks to the random integer generator, we have ten winners! The commenters who shall each receive a copy of a Georgette Heyer novel from Sourcebooks are:

Leah
Kalen Hughes
Melissa
aly army
Laura Heilman
phadem
danae
KimmyL
rooruu
Sandia
Virginia
Meriam

Congratulations and thanks for playing. Please let me know what you think of the book you win, y’all, because I’m trying desperately to stop myself from buying most of her backlist in one swoop. Big ups and thank you to Sourcebooks for the prizes, and for making my shopping an exercise in temptation.

ETA: Kalen says, “I have every Heyer known to romance. So please, skip me and pick another winner!” So I did. Thanks, Kalen.

Random Integer Ahoy! And the lucky winner #169 is...Virginia. Yay!

ETA: Aaaand we’re doing it again! Rooruu says she’s on the Heyer bandwagon, too: “please do run the random generator again and let it pick a new fan to introduce to Heyer - I hope it’s someone who hasn’t read ‘em before.”

Bitchery readers are some generous and kind folks, I tell you.

The random integer generator says, 86! so: Meriam, you win some Heyer!  Congrats to Meriam!