by SB Sarah • Saturday, June 28, 2008 at 09:23 AM
Expression Engine, which is the CMS that runs this here blog, has some nifty features, among them the ability to make entries expire and thus disappear from view. This is great if I’m running a contest. This is not great if I expect to remember anything, because if it’s not floating in front of my eyes, I do not remember it. So, much flogging of Sarah commences now.
And also, awarding of prizes! The winner of the Biking Vulva Contest is:
Star Opal for “The Heart Shaped Box” by Cella DeVenus. Tight passages indeed. I have to remember to use that one.
You win a $25 gift certificate to Powell’s or Amazon, your choice, and the CD audio book of Christina Dodd’s Some Enchanted Evening.
Congratulations, and my apologies for being a completely absent minded, forgetful fruitcake of a person this month.
by SB Sarah • Saturday, June 28, 2008 at 02:39 AM
And verily it is Saturday, and I proclaim to all the lands: Free book winners!
Behold: as provided by the random integer generator, the winners of the free books are:
Comment #72 Esri Rose
Comment #24 karmelrio
Comment #27 ljinx
Comment #99 Flo
Comment #75 courtney s
Comment #147 summer
Thanks for the great tips on saving money. Happy reading!
by SB Sarah • Tuesday, June 24, 2008 at 09:34 AM
Now that the price of a gallon of gas in the US is creeping nearer and nearer to the price of gas in the rest of the world, people are paying more attention to what they spend and how much they drive. I live in New Jersey and work in Manhattan, so I cross two types of driving cultures in my day. In Manhattan, there’s about fourteen bazillion different types of mass transportation I could choose, from subways to trains to cabs to pedi-cab bikes to buses—to helicopters if I’m feeling really frisky. Most people don’t own cars, because it costs as much as the car itself is worth to park that car for a day. Or an hour.
In New Jersey, it’s the land of the big box store and the land of driving pretty much everywhere. I once received some mass email that told me, and no word as to whether this is true or not, at any given moment, no matter where you are in New Jersey, you are never more than 15 miles from a mall. That’s a lot of malls. And a lot of mall hair.
But I have a feeling that the time of shopping as entertainment and driving to a mall to do so is rapidly coming to an end - not that I spend much time shopping as a form of joyful enterprise. There are some things, however, which I will always shop for, and which are not entertainment purchases or miscellaneous items in my budget. Up there with items like “mortgage,” “health care,” “food,” and “more food, oh my God with the EATING,” is an immovable entry: books.
No matter how high the price of gas, by hook or by crook, I will buy me some books. Maybe they will be digital Kindle books, or maybe they will be paper books, but there will be books. It’s not optional.
So what do folks like us do when the price of a gallon of gas is nearly the price of a paperback? Good question. Here are some options:
1. Obvious: the library. If you have a local library, the books are free, cheezy bread, free. Head on over, get yourself a library card, and gorge on the awesomeness.
My local library participates in a rather kickin’ program called ListenNJ, in which patrons can download and check out audio books for free, with a limit of five titles for a 10 day loan period. That’s kick ASS right there.
But what if library wonderment isn’t an option? Coupons and cheaper options ahoy!
2. Obvious, Part Deux: Used Bookstores Every now and again there’s a minor kerfuffle over used bookstores, with some authors loathing them and the lost profit, and some readers who can’t reach for the $9 paperback pricepoint loving every moment of their local used store’s hours of business. I’m personally a big fan of the local used store in my area, because it’s a treasure trove of cover snark, it’s bloody huge, it’s up the road from my favorite pet supply store, and it smells like Used Books, which is about as good as New Car and New Baby smells. So if you like to own, abuse, and drop your books in the bathtub without worrying over lost dollars, used stores rock. And seriously, the cover snark potential is just awesome.
And if you don’t like #1 and #2? Damn you’re picky.
#3: Start haunting your local bookstore’s rewards program. I work near a Borders, so I’ve got a Borders Rewards account, and every now and again I get a coupon for 20% off a purchase, or an opportunity to buy three books from a selected list, and get the fourth free. For my birthday, I received a 25%-off-one-item coupon, and I’d say I get at least a coupon a month, though I don’t necessarily use them all. Borders’ program is free to join.
Barnes and Noble also has a membership club, which offers bigger discounts on every purchase, but costs $25 to join. With their membership you get 40% hardcover bestsellers, 20% adult hardcovers (rwor!), and 10% off almost everything else. There are also member email newsletters with additional discounts. Personally, I don’t buy enough hardcover books that this is worth it for me, but I did learn something clever. A book club I know of signed up for a membership by pooling $5 a person. All you need to access the membership discount is the phone number of the member who joined. So if you round up a posse and join together, you can all access the membership benefits via one phone number.
Rounding out the big box book survey, Books a Million also has a discount club, which, for $15.00 a year, offers an additional 10% off every purchase.
If big box stores are not to your liking, and you prefer your local independent, try talking to the owner or manager about your book habit and see if there’s a discount they would be willing to offer you in exchange for goods or services you might provide. That might be a longshot since everyone is tightening the fiscal belt these days, but you never know if they might need some graphic design work, a newsletter template, some help at busy times, or what.
And what about publishers? Do they feel your pain? Oh, yes. Your inability to buy as much as you like is their pain, too. So keep your eye out for #4: Publisher Specials From package deals like Harlequin’s current buy three get the fourth free deal, to the one that caught my eye at my last trip to the store: Kensington’s Zebra Debut program.
You might have noticed the books on the shelf - they retail for $3.99 or $4.99, and are marketed as “tomorrow’s bestsellers at yesterday’s prices.” Yeah, if my local gas station had a sign like that, the line would stretch into Pennsylvania.
I asked Kate Duffy all kinds of nosy questions, and she said that the program “was the brainchild of the publisher, Laurie Parkin. It was her idea of a possible way to build a bigger audience for a brand new author.It has been very successful. Very. Sally MacKenzie was our first debut author to hit the USA Today list with her subsequent “Naked” titles. But for every debut author, initial print orders were increased beyond what we used to experience.”
Historicals, Duffy says, in particular are doing well in that program, and the line is exclusively for authors who have never before been published. Their first book is priced at $3.99, and the second novel is priced at $4.99.
And what’s the very, very best kind of book? See #1 - the free book. Duffy has offered up the six June, July and August releases for the Zebra Debut program, including Dark and Dangerous by Jeanne Adams, Lord Scandal by Kalen Hughes (which I reviewed and gave away copies of in May), Her One Desire by Kimberly Killion, To Wed a Highlander by Michele Sinclair, Lost in You by Alix Rickloff, and A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure by Victoria Dahl.
I’ll do a random comment drawing here to select six lucky folks who will each receive a free book - woo! So drop a comment, and if you’re so inclined, share your secret for feeding your need to read when you’re short on green (or red or blue or whatever color your currency is). Comments are open for 24 hours starting now.
by SB Sarah • Wednesday, June 11, 2008 at 10:43 AM
Behold, the entries for the Biking Vulva Romantic Comedy Contest. Which one best advertises a romantic comedy that has the perfect storm of comedic ingredients, from a giant pink vag on bikes, to the cunt bringing the art of everything.
Entries are below the fold. Vote early, vote once (that’s how the software is setup, folks. Sorry). You’ve got 24 sleek, slippery hours.
Entry #1 Frankie O’Malley
Frankie O’Malley’s giant vulva sculptures were to make her the next Georgia O’Keefe. She couldn’t believe it when CLOCK magazine decided to cover her newest exhibit. But when BMX champion Maddox Raine saw the graceful curves of Frankie’s biggest vulva outside the art museum, he simply thought it was a wicked awesome ramp. Suddenly CLOCK magazine has a more interesting article than just an upcoming artist. Frankie hated him for mocking her art and stealing her publicity, but her friends knew the truth. When Maddox rode his bike into the vulva he also rode into the artist’s heart. Now her two best friends, estranged cousins, and precocious daughter must convince the artist and the biker of their love. They set-up an online profile at Bikers Anonymous for ‘Pudenda-tascular Artist’ and chat up Maddox to convince him that Frankie feigned her hate. But what happens when Maddox’s scheming fiancée, an Olympic swimmer, discovers their scheme? Will her amorous flood coldly leave Frankie without satisfaction? See THE VULVA WAY, in theaters this summer, to discover the climax of Frankie and Maddox’s love. It’s a completely original film of bikes, vulvas, art, and meddlesome others sure to be the hit of the summer.
Entry #2 The Heart Shaped Box by Cella deVenus
Vanessa couldn’t believe the stipulation her uncle had left in his will! In order to collect her inheritance she would have to bike across Italy carrying a priceless art piece on her person—The Heart Shaped Box. Little does she know that the fellow cyclist she joins up with along the way is Manen Gorged, a man more interested in getting his fingers on the secret treasure in her folds than the Italian countryside. But he’ll reassess his feelings when, after an accident, he must plunge himself into the hidden cleft known as Aphrodite’s Flower to save Vanessa.
Cella deVenus spreads herself wide over every page in her first novel. Her descriptions of weeping grottos, dewy mounds, moist caves, and worshipping at sacred altars, coupled with glistening, firm gripping prose will have you aching for more. Ride this warm velvety road romance today!
“Tight, slick passages!” says Smart Bitches.
Entry #3 The Money Shot
Mimosa Pale, princess of Unholaan, is royally pissed. Named for a sissy drink and forbidden from the sun and anything fun, she slips her palace guards, dresses down and poses as a photographer’s assistant. Not just any photographer, but Jedi-journalist Jatti Hapy, the pedaling prince of the paparazzi, the man who’s made her every move a misery.
An artist with vast vision, Jatti does not agree to stay in Unholaan forever, just long enough to score a snap of the mysterious Miss Mimosa’s pristine pink perfection. Once People pays him, he’ll plunk down the cash for a camper and canvas the countryside in search of hard copy and put his Payless-shod feet out to pasture. But when a crazy mixed-up kid who doesn’t know a camera from a clusterbomb catastrophically confuses his chemicals, he cottons on his cutie is not who she claimed. And could it be? The pouting princess has been under his proboscis the whole time!
The Money Shot, a rollicking intergalactic romantic comedy inspired by Roman Holiday--- only with bikes and spaceships instead of scooters ---will tickle you from your tonsils to your toenails. Buy it at bookstores from Beirut to Bangor!
Entry #4 Cross Cuntry
Cherry Stone doesn’t think art and Mormonism are exclusive. She’s promoting premarital virginity by riding her VulvaCycle in an all-female, coast-to-coast bike race.
Actor Rod Hardy needs some attention. Wearing a wig, he’s riding as Lola Lamb on his bike, the Trojan Horse. Cherry never saw a horse with no head and such prominent ribs, but it is aerodynamic.
When “Lola” and Cherry collide, “Lola” offers to help repair Cherry’s damaged petals. Lesbians are an abomination to Mormons, but Cherry feels something for her butch competitor that she never felt for her Mormon fiancé. Maybe it’s just appreciation for “Lola’s” facility with tools.
Rod’s lust is crimped by having to tuck in his bike shorts, but he manages to convince Cherry that girly action won’t violate her vow. If “Lola” helps Cherry win the race, Cherry will let “Lola” taste her juices. Then Rod’s agent calls. Provided Rod wins the race and unmasks, he’ll get the TV condom campaign he wants.
While Cherry lubes her chain, Rod falls in love. If she wins the race, can he win her heart? Will he have to get a sex change and embrace polygamy? Find out, in Cross Cuntry.
Entry #5 Loose Lips
Coming soon: “Loose Lips” Starring Vajayjay Loving and Peter Cuntsmore.
Loosinda Massengill, the critically acclaimed sculptor of the 10 foot tall vagina called “The Love Cave”, is commissioned to create a new master piece for the city’s new museum with Dicky Sackson, a new up in coming artist who’s art centers around bicycle seats and limp chains. Dicky insists that they combine their distinctive styles to create a new symbolic statue that represents love, cycling, and brazillian waxed cooches. He wants to put Loosinda’s Love Cave lips against his banana seat.
But Loosinda has taken a vow to never allow a banana to slip against her lips. As they toil in the workroom day in and day out, slowly Loosinda allows Dicky to touch her vadge and mold it, work it and even…set it on his racing seat! Dicky wins Loosinda over with his knowledge of bicycles, sense of humor and vulva themed limericks. It’s a special moment when Dicky opens up and shows Loosinda his purple helmet. The training wheels come off and Loosinda rides Dicky like a Schwinn! But will their love survive? Will their sculpture “Ride and Grind” impress the museum committee? Watch and see!
by SB Sarah • Monday, June 09, 2008 at 06:50 PM
Here at Smart Bitch HQ, there’s a driving rhetoric behind our blog. Yes, we have A Nefarious Agenda. I kinda thought it was obvious, but really, I can spell it out:
1. We love romance. You can’t put us down for loving it. You can’t even call us bitches ‘cause, lookee there, we already did.
2. We want good romance to read. And we want to spread the word about the good romance because the good romance makes us panty in our happy parts.
So! In an effort to further Our Nefarious Agenda, readers like Lori offer up brilliance that, as Lori so rightly says, could make for some awesome, wacky, romantic comedy.
Seems there’s some artist in Finland who likes to bike around inside a giant vulva.
What we have here is a Google-translated article from Finland, but really, that picture is worth a thousand translated words.
Except for maybe these six words: “Cunt brings the art of anything.”
I think that phrase might hold the secrets of the universe. Or at least the secret as to why the Pens didn’t win the Stanley Cup.
But on the whole (ha!) this is romantic comedy gold. Biking vulvas that bring the art? One can only assume they also bring the noise and the funk. So you know what this means?
Smart Bitch Contest!
Write us up some advertisement copy for a radio ad promoting your new romantic comedy, a comedy which, obviously, features bikes, vulvas, possibly art, and certainly cuntular hilarity. Celebrity endorsements? Hyperbolic statements? Bring it on! Bring us the finest meats and cheeses, plus a 200 word promotional radio advertisement for your book, and send it to by midnight tomorrow night, 10 June, Eastern time. I’ll be putting up the advertisements for your judging, and we’ll pick us a winner.
Prizes? Man, it would be cool if I could give away a bike, but alas, that isn’t in my inner tube. How about a $25 gift certificate to Powell’s or Amazon, your choice, and the CD audio book of Christina Dodd’s Some Enchanted Evening.
Pedal on, Bitches, Pedal on.
