Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Our proposed cover art: 

Source: I Can Has Cheezburger?

Sample Acceptance Letter:

Ms. SaraBeth Taegan-Brown
123 Bitchery Way
Funkytown, PA 15222

Dear Ms. Taegan-Brown

We here at Kantsingtownne were thrilled to the soles of our Blahniks to read your proposal for “How Big Wuz It Agn?” Certainly the question of size and girth of the amply-endowed hero will never be answered satisfactorily, and having your heroine examine the hero’s masterful wang by saying, “OMGLOLWTF?” was a stroke of comedic brilliance - to say nothing of referring to a condom as a “bukkit.” No wonder they never had one handy!

We are certain the LOLurve™ Cat Romance will be a huge hit worldwide, and are eager to launch this line of series romances aimed at the erudite, intellectual reader with ample disposable income. We adore your suggestion for product placement, as well, and are certain we can reach an agreement as to how to compensate you for your brilliance.

We are prepared to offer you a $1.9 million advance for a 200pp manuscript. Of course this offer comes with an unlimited offer of time aboard our private yacht, use of the corporate jet, and car service vouchers for your ground transport needs.

Please forward your completed manuscript to our North Versailles address by Friday.

Yours, etc.

Stamphanie Cedrickson
Series Development & Acquisitions

Ms. Honoria Clitorrh
18369 Lovemuffin Ave.
Beaverton, OR 97008

Dear Ms. Clitorrh,

Thank you very much for submitting MY GIANT WANGZ LET ME SHOW YOU THEM, but I must regretfully inform you that LovePocket Books will have to pass on it.

But even if we are passing on this title, I have to say there are many things you did right with this manuscript. For instance, we greatly enjoyed the way you gave the penises in this book a life of their own. Prehensile genitalia have been a staple of erotic shapeshifter romance for quite some time now, but allowing those penises to talk was truly a master stroke. The part in which Ardeur Cheezburger’s penis cries out “Miss mah bukkit!” touched us profoundly, for example--almost as profoundly as that penis later touches the heroine. We also greatly admired the innovation of having the point-of-view switching between third and second person, though we recommend using this in moderation--having the switch happen three times in the same chapter without warning resulted in a rather jarring read.

Ultimately, however, we didn’t believe that your book was quite the right fit for our house. Our lines of romances tend towards the sweeter end of the spectrum--amnesiac secret babies, virgin desert sheikhs, marriages of convenience between Navy SEALs, etc. Your novel, with its polyamory, sentient penises, inter-species sex and (to be frank) somewhat puzzling fetish with cheeseburgers doesn’t quite belong in our line-up. We do wish you the best of luck in finding a good home for MY GIANT WANGZ LET ME SHOW YOU THEM.

Regards,

Emmaline Duquesne
Associate Editor
LovePocket Books

Rules-Type Blather!
1. E-mail your submissions to and .

2. Only one submission per person.

3. Deadline: You have until midnight Pacific Time on August 1 to submit your brilliance to us.

4. Entries will be posted on August 2. You will be asked to e-mail your votes to us. One vote per person, and voting ends on midnight, Pacific Time, August 4th. Winner will be announced on Monday, August 6.

5. Remember to attach or link to your cover art!

Prizes!

The winner shall receive A TOTALLY AWESOME PACKAGE of an unabridged audio CD set of Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ Match Me If You Can, a $10 Amazon.com gift certificate, and a Smart Bitch Title™. 

The winner of Third Place, receiving a Hoff Plane and a Hoffobiography:

A tie!

MamaNice:

and Amy “Fuckheady Bitchipants” E:

The winner of second place, receiving a Hoffobiography and a $10 Amazon Gift Certificate:

A THREE WAY TIE (now THAT is Kinky!)

rebyj:

Mariskunk:

And Dragonpaws:

*drumroll please*

And the winner of first prize, a $25 gift certificate to Amazon, and a Hoffobiography:

Dragonpaws!