Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

After many weeks of cover snark, picking on classics and computer generated images, with no mercy for any publisher who dares tempt the wrath of Man-Titte, Candy and I, we are well acquainted with the cover that is resplendent in its badness.

And we are also familiar with the comment and the private email from various sources that all read similarly; to wit: “You want to snark on my cover? Let’s see YOU DO BETTER, Huh?!”

To which we said to one another, “Ok!”

And thus, a Smart Bitch Contest is born.

But this is a different contest, a contest with challenges not of the writing variety, but of the design variety. We know you’re good at the writing. We want to check out your l33t Photoshop skills.

So! Candy and I are going to provide you with the cover copy of a paranormal romance novel. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to design the cover for our novel.

Edited July 13th to Add:

Due to response, we’re opening our contest up to professional artists and amateurs in separate categories. So please make sure to tell us under which heading you fall, and we’ll have two slots of judging (and two sets of prizes, because we are Generous Bitches).

Let’s see if we can make this work. Given that multiple people can comment at a time, it might overlap a bit, but let’s give it a shot.

Since Eva Longoria’s book is probably going to be “written” with assistance and possibly in its entirety by another writer, let’s give her a hand.

Let us compose the first chapter (or two) of Longoria’s romance novel. Each of you has 150 words to write, and we’ll add on to each other’s paragraphs. It’s a quick-action round-robin creation of the most tawdry, ridiculous, Longoriastic romance novel ever.

Then we’ll vote on the best contribution and annoint the winner with pixels and, if I can get her agent on the phone, a signed photograph of Longoria. Or a picture of a desperate housewife. I bet I can find one in my neighborhood. And hell, I’m not a housewife but I get plenty desperate if there’s no chocolate in the vicinity so you might just get a picture of my fine self. Now how’s THAT for inspiration?

Here are the rules:

You have 150 words; I’ve temporarily upped the comment character limit so you have a crapload of letters to use. But please limit to 150 words (give or take 5).

Your paragraph should continue the previously posted paragraph in the story but work quickly - this is about speed, absurdity, and Eva Longoria’s writing career. We want your comment posted in the thread location where you want it to appear, but we also have to get this thing out before the stardom sparkler that is the Housewives most Desperate burns through its last 15 minutes.

I won’t give you too much structure - this is about wanton creativity and vivid, dare I say desperate, imagination, after all. But do work in the use of the word “longoria,” if you can.

On your mark, get set - go!

Lovelysalome answered the call - damn fast, too - and found us an image of Touched by Thorns. I’m thinking that the deep historical inaccuracies on this cover will make Tonda wish for some of those thorns with which to gouge out her eyes. Check it out:

And for her efforts, I hereby dub Lovelysalome, who braved the frontier of Chinese eBay for our fine graphic display, a member of the Smart Bitch peerage:

We’ve tallied all the votes (and DAMN were there a lot of votes!) and we are happy to announce the winners of the First Annual Smart Bitches Trashy Books Bitchery Writing Award for Hellagood Authors!

I’d like to say, there were a LOT of close categories, so when you think to yourself, if you are not a winner this year, that it was an honor to be nominated, chances are you also almost kicked the ass of the winner - this voting was way tight, yo.

If you are a winner, please, contact me at with your name and postal address, so that I can mail you your prize, for use in writing your next novel:  a fine, handcrafted, hot pink ostrich quill pen, made by the fine folks at Feather.com.au in Cairns, Australia. We Bitches go around the globe looking for appropriate prizes for our fine Bitchery authors.

And, of course, what SBTB contest would be complete without a button for your website announcing how utterly cool you are? Each category has a handmade-by-SB-Candy-and-her l33t-Photoshop-skillz graphic for use on your site - so right-click-and-download, por favor, and use to announce your fabulousness!

And without further ado, here are the results!

Hope you are all enjoying your chocolate rabbits, baked ham, dyed eggs, and really, really nice hats. And, if you’re not kicking it Easter style, enjoy some matzo, or just enjoy what on the east coast is looking to be a really loverly day. 

But! Do not forget your Bitchy Duty! If you haven’t yet voted in the first annual BWAHA Awards final round please email your vote to and by midnight PDT tonight!