Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Are you guys going to write a book? Like, SMART BITCHES GUIDE TO ROMANCE NOVELS, vol. 1? I’d totally pimp that. Or fiction. LOVE’S BODICE LOST, by Smart Bitch Sarah and Smart Bitch Candy…

Love’s Bodice Lost?! That might set the record for number of uses of the word “turgid.” Seriously, we could write a book. It’s not like each of us is short on things to say. But who is going to publish anything that chock-full of shit, fuck, cunt, cock, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits?  And twat! Don’t forget twat!

What other genres do you like to read most? (Um, we know ‘bout the vet/animal lovin’. Teehee.)

Right now: pregnancy and baby books. But that’s a recent development. I’m a big fan of historical fiction, like The Red Tent, and my all-time fave, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. In fact, I’m all about Moore. Cracks my ass up.

Boxers, briefs, or commando? And on your men? (just kidding)

I’d love to go commando but that ain’t happening for me right now. I’m all about big, soft and comfy. Once my ass stops expanding, I’ll let you know. As for the Hubby, he’s a boxer-briefs man, and woo damn are those things sexy. Nothing makes the booty go da-na-da like a pair of boxer briefs.

What’s your favorite romantic movie? Romantic comedy? Nonromantic movie?

Romantic movie: Sleepless in Seattle, even though Meg Ryan is a royal twat to Bill Pullman, who seems to spend his movie career having cute women act like twats to him. But the scenes where Tom Hanks is talking about his wife, and what made her special, and his interaction with his kid – oh, gets me every time.

Favorite romantic comedy: Bull Durham. Gosh I love this movie. Susan Sarandon is about the sexiest thing ever, even in that weird black and white plaid skirt, and pre-long-ass-movies Costner is dang sexy, too. But I never really got why Tim Robbins was such a catch (har) until much later in life.

Favorite non-romantic movie: Twister. That movie is completely mistake-riddled and I love it every time.  It’s also my guilty pleasure moment.

If you were a chick lit heroine, what alcoholic beverage would you abuse?

I love wine, but if I were a chick lit heroine? I’d either love cosmos because I do in fact love them, or, if I were written by an author trying to be original, a whiskey sour.

Oh, and do you have a favorite subgenre of romance? If so, what is it/are they?

I am a huge sucker for forbidden/trying-to-resist-the-luuuuurve romances. And I’ll take that forbidden/trying-to-resist romance in any setting except those that border of pedophelia. SEP, are your ears burning?

If the magic book goddess were to gift you with 3 of your favorite books while stuck in, a) wall to wall traffic b) on the subway between stops-naturally you have a booklight & extra batteries- or c) while waiting for the Titanic to sink, what 3 books would the book goddess give you?

Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore, Bitten by Kelley Armstrong, and The Duke and I by Julia Quinn. I could take those books to a day at the beach and have a great time, even though I’ve read them each, like, six times.

Pepsi or Coke?

If my only options are soda, Coke. But if I’m drinking diet, Diet Pepsi. And if I have a choice, water or milk (2%, ice cold, please).

If you could only ever read one other blog, which one would you read?

Mine!

What kind of bribe would it take for you to proclaim that Cassie Edwards Rules The World?

Seriously? Just one bribe? A guarantee of my own television network filled with all my favorite shows, even the ones that got cancelled due to the fact that I and exactly four other people liked them and the rest of the tv-watching world likes crap I hate (for the record: Cupid, SportsNight, and The American Embassy all fit that list).

Plus, I’d have to have a lifetime supply of Oreos, milk, cereal, and chocolate chip cookies, and a metabolism that would power corporate generators so I never had to get up off the sofa and try to lose the weight.

In addition, a stack of marvelously perfect romance novels, the kind that have not one single flaw and invite me back to read again and again.

AND I’d need a staggering amount of money.

What is the single most embarrassing book that you could admit to loving (and really do love?)

Knight in Shining Armor. Jude Deveraux. I know, I know. But gosh I love that book. It’s not quite a HEA, and it’s not quite historically accurate to the detail, but I’m a sucker for Douglass and Nick.

What’s your favorite cheese?
(cheese and romance cliché)

Favorite cheese: boursin, and soft goat cheeses.

Favorite cheesy romantic cliché: bodyguard/guardian romances.

Are you two aspiring authors? [I’m testing the popularised ‘reviewer is a secret writer wannabe’ theory]

I don’t think I read books without wondering how I could improve on them, and I do write, though mostly non-fiction. But have I written a romance? No. My prose writing muscles are far stronger than my fiction writing muscles and I never really have the patience or the attention span for a long-term plot. However, if someone wanted to publish my five-year-old online journal? I’m happy to call myself a published author then!

Will you ever reveal the URL of your old web sites? Or shall I?

It is so not hard to find mine, I think.

Hardback, trade or mass paperback?

Either. But I won’t buy hardbacks at full price. Really. So few pieces of writing are worth my $25.00. Sorry, all you publishing folks out there.

Of which authors are you fangirls?

Julia Quinn, for her early works, especially. Janet Evanovich. Teresa Medieros. Jennifer Crusie. Emma Holly. And I’m a recovering Nora Roberts junkie. We have an organization. We’re the NRA.

Why do you swear so much?

Why the fuck not?

What’s your favorite freeway?

Connecticut Merritt Parkway & California Highway 1. Note: freeways only exist on the west coast, really. Around here, in the northeast, a good many roads are toll. And the Garden State Parkway is so not a scenic masterpiece anyway. It should be free.

If you had to be any one TSTL heroine, which one would you be, and why?

Meriel from Uncommon Vows by Mary Jo Putney. I wanted to smack her silly, but for a few hundred pages with Adrian? I’d have a hard time resisting him. And I wouldn’t go running out a window to fall into the enemy’s clutches, either. I’d stay right there with him. No window diving, no dashing off in a huff. Just me and Adrian, wine and a fire.

If you could beat any TSTL heroine to a bloody pile of fawning, swooning whimper, who would it be, and can I help?

Candy’s going to shit a brick sideways, but I want five minutes with Crusie’s Maddie from Tell Me Lies. Gosh, she annoyed the ever living shit out of me.

What’s your favorite cereal?

I love the uneconomic cereals that take up far too much room in the box, like Honeycombs, and Cracklin’ Oat Bran, but my heart belongs to Honey Nut Cheerios.

Who’s the smarter bitch?

Probably Candy. Pregnancy and age is making me doumbbe. I’ve got serious hormone brain.

If you were to be stranded on a itty-bitty-island and could only bring one thing, who or what would you take with you?

Hubby.

Who does your make-up?

I do. Badly. It’s gone by 11am, so check me in the am or miss your chance to see me with eyeliner. After 1pm it’s all gone and I have to remember to reapply lipstick.

What’s the worst movie you’ve seen?

Underworld, with Kate Beckinsale, is the worst movie of recent note. We call it “Underwear.” Also, City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. God damn that thing blew monkey cock.

Worst book read?

I’m taking the liberty of listing three. Sometimes, often, in fact, I read romance and romantic suspense because I don’t want to have to worry about much, like whether there will be a happily ever after, or the wherefore and how behind the hero and heroine’s issues. Sometimes, I just want brain candy, so at those times, I put up with a lot of crap. But vacations have been marred by the horrid writing and terrible plot decisions I found in the following books. They were too bad to let pass without a remark along the lines of, “This book sucks!” And of course, I kept reading:

Honey Moon by Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Dream Man by Linda Howard, and The Maze by Catherine Coulter.

What’s your favorite TV show? Worst TV show?

Favorite TV Show: SportsNight, Cupid and Beavis and Butthead.

Worst TV Show:,i> Sports Reporters on ESPN. A bunch of out of shape desk jockeys yelling at each other about sports games that have already happened. Absolutely fucks up my Sunday morning – it’s a nightmare.

Okay, if your favorite author came up to you and said “Candy/Sarah, I want to write a romance novel customized to your specifications (plot, hero type, heroine type)” what would you select to go in that novel?

Plot:

Forbidden or trying-to-resist romance

Hero type:

Smart, slightly dorky, biiiig brain, biiiig dong, and trying desperately to avoid his feelings for the heroine, and being unable to resist her.

Heroine:

Smart, clever, funny, and not totally hung up on whether he likes her or he likes her likes her. But he has to earn her trust and is unable to stop the compulsion to do so.

Beef or chicken?

Chicken, if I must. I’m mostly meatless for the time being.

What are you like in real life?  Do you talk as openly with real people?  Would you be as funny if I met you in person?

If I got to know you, yes, I’m wicked funny. I’m pretty low key and I have a snarky, sometimes mean, and very dry sense of humor, but I’m reluctant to bust out with it from the get-go because some people don’t get me. However, I’m just as open and entertianing in real life.

American version: skeet or ho?
English version: minger or todger dodger?
Scottish version: cowping or madbit?

Warning: all have different meanings.

Wait, are you asking my preference, or which I’d like to have in the house?

Skeet smells after awhile, but a ho brings nasty nasty into the house. But the ho can bring in some cash so I’ll put her in the basement.

I’d have a better time hanging out with the todger dodger than the minger.

And as for that last one, I’d rather not have the floozy madbit in the house with the ho. Just asking for trouble.

Which would you prefer to wrestle in, Jell-O or pudding?

Jello. It would stay in relatively solid pieces, making cleanup easier. Pudding I’d be combing out of my nether hairs for weeks to come. Huh huh. “Come.”

And really, I know you all just want picture of my cats - and me.

This is Ohta, known as Spawn.

This is Fukui-san, Spawn’s brother. They were named after the commentators on the show Iron Chef

This is Oliver, known as Diggus, or Doo. He’s the master of the house (cats).

This is Grace, Oliver’s sister. She’s the true master of the house, and, aside from me, the only other girl. She would like you to tell her she’s beautiful, even though she already knows it.

This is what happens when you put the bacon tray in the sink.

This is Logan! Our fantastic pooch - I totally forgot to put his picture in here. Sorry Loboo!

This is Hubby and me - on my birthday. Hubby’s cooking and I’m standing around looking useful.

And this is me - I was actually reading when this picture was taken.

Is any book - romance or otherwise - deserving of a SmartBitch grade of A+? And like what would it take to get an A+?

Oh yes, definitely. For romance novels, Laura Kinsale, Loretta Chase, Patricia Gaffney and Jennifer Crusie have gotten A+ grades from me. Non-romance: Dan Simmons, Barry Unsworth, Rudyard Kipling, Thomas Hardy, C.S. Lewis, Tim Winton, Pat Barker, Jonathan Franzen and various others have written what are, in my opinion, A+ books as well. My list is long, not because I’m not picky, but because up until a few years ago I was a voracious reader and went through loads and loads of books a year. Now that I have a car and can’t read during my commute any more, my pace has slowed way, way down.

As for what it takes for a book to get an A+: I have to love the way it’s written, I have to love the plot, and I have to believe in the characters. It’s shocking how many books fail significantly on at least one (if not all three) fronts.

There’s no feeling quite like reading an A+ book; I’m euphoric for days afterwards, and I’ll think about the book at odd times of the day for months (sometimes years) on end.

Aside from ID and a book to read, what is one thing you won’t leave home without?

My Sprunt. Oh, and my keys.

If you were a Chick Lit heroine, which shoe brand would you obsess over?

Prada. In reality, though, I shop at discount outlets like Ross, and I kinda like the teen-whore look of Candies and the faux-retro stylings of John Fluevog (who has designed some truly hideous shoes, but his Pin-Up line is mostly sexy and girly and fabulous).

If you were a chick lit heroine, what alcoholic beverage would you abuse?

Raspberry kamikaze. (Note: Because I’m allergic to alcohol, I don’t drink, so I have NO IDEA what goes into a raspberry kamikaze or if a raspberry kamikaze is even possible. I just think that a) it sounds cool; b) it sounds like a nice, strong drink; and c) it sounds yummy and froo-froo girly.)

Are you guys going to write a book? Like, SMART BITCHES GUIDE TO ROMANCE NOVELS, vol. 1?

Ooooh, a tempting idea. Hmmmm.

Are you two aspiring authors?

Up until two weeks ago, I would’ve said “Are you NUTS?” That’s because I’ve always hated my fictional voice. However, one of the stories I’ve been playing in my head (one about a young woman’s sexual awakening) began to bug me so much I actually began to dream about it. I took that as a sign to start writing the goddamn thing down. And you know, while I still don’t think my fictional voice is all that great, I’m not actively hating it the way I used to. Either I’m becoming delusional in my old age, or something within has aligned and I’m starting to do certain things right.

And then right on the heels of the first story came ANOTHER story idea, equally strong, but completely different from the first story (which I fondly refer to as Regency Smut). It started with a very clear vision of a character: a young man, sardonic, lonely, heavily tattooed, pierced, who worked the graveyard shift in an independent video store. Basically a punk-ish hipster guy (of which there are many fine specimens in Portland.) Then I realized he owned the store, but nobody knew he did. Then I realized he was actually a vampire. The plot just gets more squirrelly from there.

But as for whether I’m aiming for actual publication, or whether I want to do this full-time, or whether this will fulfill a lifelong dream: I have to admit I’m pretty hesitant about it all. First of all, writing full-time won’t pay the bills (no stars in my eyes about being the next breakthrough bestselling sensation). Second of all, I have to admit I enjoy the complete freedom I currently have. If I think a book sucks the big hairy nut, I can have at it without fear of being blackballed; if by some miracle I do end up published, certain parts of Smart Bitches will probably have to fundamentally change, and I’d hate to see that. Third of all, writing and research involve hard, hard work, and right now I’m dipping my toes to see how I like it before diving in.

So for right now, I’m pretty sure I’m going to offer Regency Smut as a free download for y’all to check out and rip apart once I’m done with it. Yes, I like my humiliation to be public and at my own expense. I’ll keep writing fiction for a while and see how it turns out. I have no expectations at this point; I’m just aiming to have a lot of fun and inflicting my glorious prose on the unsuspecting public with free downloads. Though of course, if someone wants to approach me and offer me a six-figure deal for writing the many years’ worth of crazy-ass stories I have in my head, I’ll be happy to jump on board.

Will you ever reveal the URL of your old web sites? Or shall I?

Money’s on the way, Maili, in a plain brown envelope and non-sequential bills, just like you asked.

If you could only ever read one other blog, which one would you read?

Ahhhhh! No! Don’t make me choose! That’s just cruel.

OK, fine. I’ll be all lame and choose, well, us Smart Bitches.

Hardback, trade or mass paperback?

I honestly don’t care at all. If it’s a book I really, really love, I tend to seek out the first edition, whatever form that took (usually hardcover in non-romance, MMPB for romance). Trade paperbacks are cool because the local library doesn’t stock many MMPBs at all.

Of which authors are you fangirls?

Laura Kinsale, Loretta Chase, Jennifer Crusie, Patricia Gaffney, Barbara Samuel/Ruth Wind.

Why do you swear so much?

Mostly because I think it’s funny, especially when Sarah and I get creative and say shit like “buttweasels.” (Heh heh. Buttweasels.) I also think that if I feel really strongly about something, saying “Goddamn, this scabies-infested piece of shit needs to get a clue” conveys the message much more effectively than “Oh gosh I really disagree with this nitwit.” In other words: purely a stylistic choice that amuses me and accurately reflects the way I talk in real life.

I also blame it on my parents. The two of them have the most vile potty-mouth, especially my mom when she’s startled.

What other genres do you like to read most?

I answer this question in great and tiresome detail in Maili’s interview of me.

Boxers, briefs, or commando? And on your men?

Me: Commando. Was there ever any doubt?

On my men: boxers.

What’s your favorite romantic movie? Romantic comedy? Nonromantic movie?

Romantic Movie: Update!Say Anything has completely toppled Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind from the top spot. Sorry, Charlie Kaufman; Cameron Crowe and John Cusack were just impossible to resist. I’m not a big romantic comedy fan; I guess if I had to pick, I’ll go with Some Like it Hot, which is sweet and funny and has Jack Lemmon in drag, which is so freakin’ awesome. And as for non-romantic movie: You got a couple of hours? A few titles that come to mind immediately are Donnie Darko, Igby Goes Down, Ninja Scroll, Yojimbo, Requiem for a Dream, Dead Poets Society, Trainspotting, Pulp Fiction....

Do you have a favorite subgenre of romance? If so, what is it/are they?

I love medievals. Love love love them. Unfortunately, they’re pretty hard to find nowadays, and they also tend to kind of suck as a general rule. But when they’re good, they’re so amazing, like For My Lady’s Heart or Bed of Spices.

If the magic book goddess were to gift you with 3 of your favorite books while stuck in, a) wall to wall traffic b) on the subway between stops-naturally you have a booklight & extra batteries- or c) while waiting for the Titanic to sink, what 3 books would the book goddess give you?

The answers to (a) and (b) would be the same: Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion and The Windflower. Nothing like adventurous SF and epic romance to get me through some shit-ass waiting.

The answer to (c): Well, knowing I’m probably going to die in a short while is going to suck, so I’ll go with favorite childhood novels because I’ll need the cheering up, plus they’re quick reads. The Jungle Book, The Phantom Tollbooth and The BFG. Nothing like reading about a giant who farts as I’m about to go under. Ahhhh.

Pepsi or Coke?

I’m one of those freaks who cannot tell the difference between any of the cola brands.

What kind of bribe would it take for you to proclaim that Cassie Edwards Rules The World?

A big one. I’m talking “taking care of me for the rest of my life and paying for a second college education” big. I’m bribeable, but I’m not cheap.

What is the single most embarassing book that you could admit to loving (and really do love?)

Romance: Tonight or Never by Dara Joy. Holy cow, that book is SO BAD. But love it. Love it to pieces. Re-read it periodically for the sheer over-the-top silliness and good-natured fun it provides.

Non-Romance: Anything from the Dragonlance series. Christ, those books are embarrassing. But I love them. I want to re-read them in the worst way.

What’s your favorite cheese? (cheese and romance cliché)

Edible cheese: I’m so boring with my cheese preferences. Stanky gourmet cheeses make me want to hurl. I have yet to forgive my French friend, Edouard, for force-feeding me extremely ripe camembert that one time. Fuckin’ French bastards and their stank-ass cheese.... Anyway, I love Colby-Jack. Not sure if it’s available elsewhere or whether it’s a Pacific NW kind of a thing, but we have a local dairy co-op known as Tillamook and they make some truly tasty cheese, yo.

Readable cheese: I love me a good pirate romance. And I like ‘em kind of over-the-top too. Are the heroes shirtless? Do they swash? Do they buckle? Do they wave cutlasses around and stomp and yell unintelligible orders to their crew about hoisting the mizzenmast and avasting their hearties? I’m there.

What’s your favorite freeway?

I-5. Takes me to work (boo!), takes me back home (yay!).

If you had to be any one TSTL heroine, which one would you be, and why?

The one who gets the hero with the really, really big cock.

If you could beat any TSTL heroine to a bloody pile of fawning, swooning whimper, who would it be, and can I help?

Ooof. This is hard. After some contemplation, I have to say Lee-Lee, heroine of the Worst Book of All Time, Desire’s Blossom by Cassie Edwards, deserves a thorough and brutal beating. And sure, you can help. Bring your steel-toed boots. Yee haw!

Okay, if your favorite author came up to you and said “Candy/Sarah, I want to write a romance novel customized to your specifications (plot, hero type, heroine type)” what would you select to go in that novel?

Setting/Plot: A lush historical with lots of interesting period detail, featuring some sort of forbidden love.

Hero: Virgin, or at least less experienced than the heroine. Smart. Self-deprecating, funny, just a bit shy.

Heroine: World-weary and cynical, redeemed by a good man’s love.

What’s your favorite cereal?

OK, those of you who don’t have a Trader Joe’s near you won’t have any fucking clue what I’m talking about, while those of you who do are probably going to nod your head in agreement--but those Vanilla Almond Clusters they have? Orgasmically good. Ditto their Very Berry Crunch.

Who’s the smarter bitch?

When it comes to dorky science shit: Probably me. When it comes to lit crit, fem crit and other such realms: definitely Sarah.

If you were to be stranded on a itty-bitty-island and could only bring one thing, who or what would you take with you?

An unbreakable machine that can perpetually serve up a variety of delicious, nutritious square meals every day and generate all the potable water I need.

Who does your make-up?

Nobody. I don’t wear make-up. Most women go “Oh, I don’t wear make-up--except for a light dusting of powder and a bit of blush and some light eyeliner and a lipstick in a neutral color.” Me? I mean it. I. Don’t. Wear. Make-up. When I got married (in a doughnut shop called Voodoo Doughnut, which tells you a lot about me right there), I bought myself a pretty pink dress, a pair of knee-high boots and painted my nails an obnoxious sparkly pink. Did not put on ANY make-up. Not even lip-gloss.

What’s the worst movie you’ve seen?

Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it’s so bad, it’s good. I do dislike the following well-regarded movies with a measured virulence: Jurassic Park, Forrest Gump, Independence Day and Titanic (I would’ve cheered out loud when Leo diFuglio sank under, but I was afraid I’d be attacked by a herd of pissed-off 13-year-olds who’d seen the movie 45 times already).

Worst book read?

Desire’s Blossom by Cassie Edwards, though The Lighthouse Keeper by James Pratt gives it a pretty good run for its money.

What’s your favorite TV show? Worst TV show?

I don’t watch much TV nowadays. I don’t have the time, and I don’t have cable. I do love Arrested Development, though. And Sealab 2021, though it’s been cancelled. Defunct TV shows that I dig include Monty Python’s Flying Circus and Cowboy Bebop.

Worst? Hmmm. Don’t know. Don’t feel all that strongly about TV, though I am simultaneously fascinated and horrified by the train-wreck quality of most reality shows. Some, like Temptation Island and Joe Millionaire were so horrible that I had to watch every episode and squeal with guilty pleasure over them with friends.

Beef or chicken?

That depends on what I’m craving. As of this moment: Beef. Specifically, a nice hunk of medium-rare rib-eye steak seared in garlic butter. Mmmmm.

What are you like in real life?  Do you talk as openly with real people?  Would you be as funny if I met you in person?

It really depends on the context. If I’m in a room full of strangers, I tend to clam up and be all mousy quiet. Once I’m more comfortable in a setting, though, I have relatively few inhibitions, and I WILL say the completely inappropriate thing that everyone’s thinking but afraid to say out loud. I think I was the first person at the University of Portland to comment that people living in the Victorian era would’ve benefited from masturbating more frequently. This was during a discussion on neurasthenia in a 400-level English lit course. I probably got the “English Major of the Year” award solely because the profs appreciated all the entertainment I’d provided in the two and a half years I was at UP.

Which are you:

American version: skeet or ho? I’ll be all old-skool and go with ho.
English version: minger or todger dodger? Todger dodger. Better to be a hot lesbian than straight but bashed repeatedly with the ugly stick.
Scottish version: cowping or madbit? I couldn’t find a definition for cowping, so I’ll just go with madbit.

Which would you prefer to wrestle in, Jell-O or pudding?

Gotta go with the medium that has the jiggle and bounce: Definitely Jell-O.

And now the moment you’ve been waiting for: A picture that indicates how very, very tall the Very Tall Husband is (and what a midgety midget I am), plus pictures of the Das Kleinen Bastarden.

This was taken at the VTH’s best friend’s wedding, where he was the best man. We didn’t look nearly as nice for our own wedding. But we did get married in a doughnut shop by a dude wearing a sequinned sombrero.

Eric the Asshead, looking all fluffy and cute and shit in a box.

Awwww, just LOOK at the widdle pink paws!

She sometimes sleeps with her tongue all hangin’ out, and I think it’s the cutest thing ever.

Yes, I take pictures of my cats grooming their asses. And yes, I take pictures of my cats watching me download pictures of them grooming their own asses.