Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Bitchery Reader Susan wrote:

I’m a fairly new reader to your website, and when I saw the “help a bitch out” category, I could not resist. I read a book back in my angsty adolescent days, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what the title of it is!  Here is the description:

A young woman (who is, apparently, of marriageable age) is orphaned, and left a great deal of money by her parents. Unfortunately, the money is left in the hands of an unscrupulous man (cannot remember his name) who is to hold on to it until she turns a certain age. Well, Unscrupulous Man tries to rape Orphan Child-Woman in order to force her to marry him (I guess he adheres to the “You poke it, you own it” crap), so he will get the money when she turns of age. She manages to escape, but only after languishing and whimpering for a ridiculously long time, while he arouses himself (I think he was old, it was set in the days before Viagra). Orphan Child-Woman runs away, and starts a home for girls somewhere in a distant village/town (I think it was a home for ravished girls at that, but I can’t be sure).

Needless to say, Handsome Wealthy Man shows up, and he and Orphan Child-Woman (who is a woman by now) fall in love. Unbeknownst to the happy couple, Unscrupulous Man has sent Unscrupulous Son to find Orphan Child-Woman.

To make a long (-ish) story short: Unscrupulous Son turns on Unscrupulous Man, allowing Handsome Wealthy Man to marry Orphan Child-Woman, who tells Unscrupulous (now Scrupulous) Son that he has “grown a chin.” (whatever that means). They all live happily ever after, all three of them, with a house full of (possibly) de-flowered women.

I know, I know, this is the most ridiculous storyline, but I know this book exists. If no one can identify it, I shall let it remain in the deep recesses of the back of my mind, where, in all probability, it should stay.

Unscrupulous Man? Orphaned Woman and Potential Rape Victim? Handsome Wealthy Honorable Man? It’s like a party of stock historical characters - and I so want an invite. I pray someone is wearing a pelisse. And that one of you can I.D. this book. 

Bitchery reader Ciar Cullen wrote:

I’ve been trying to figure out the name of a shapeshifting romance that’s now pretty old. Maybe smarter bitches can tell me. It’s pretty hackneyed stuff--a cabin in the woods--I can’t remember why the woman ends up there. Surely she’s running from something in her past.

She sees (or hears) a white wolf. She meets a man, who ultimately tells her he’s the wolf. He’s handsome, etc., and the sex is good, so she overlooks the fact that he’s a wolf.

I remember reading this one and thinking WTF? A guy is a wolf? Who the hell reads this stuff? It was very Nora Roberts-ish in the writing, in fact Nora was about the only person I read back then, so I’m wondering if it was possibly her? Can we blame her for this seemingly unending trend?

Can you help? I’d love to read it again, because I think it’s a precursor to a genre I loathe. I want to see if I still think it’s ridiculous. I hate cabin-in-the-woods with wolves stories.

Ciar tells me this book is at least 10 years old, and may be among the first werewolf books published. So - ring any bells?

Bitchery Reader Amanda asks for your brilliant assistance:

I never actually read this book, but I read the excerpt in the back of another romance and thought "that sounds fun in a melodramatic family soap opera sort of way" and told myself I'd pick it up on my next trip to the bookstore. Except I forgot. And by the time I remembered the book the excerpt had been in had been weeded out of my romance collection.

So here's what I remember: contemporary, takes place in the Pacific Northwest (part of me would swear to Oregon, but its highly possible it's either Washington or Northern California too). Girl was in love with her older sister's boyfriend for years, older sister went off to conquer the world, boyfriend and younger sister have a Night of Passion that results in pregnancy. They get married. Now, ten years later, they're getting divorced/have been recently divorced despite the fact that she's still desperately in love with him. To top it off, her older sister's coming home for the first time in years!

Our heroine was named Allison and I think her sister was Terra or Tessa. I also distinctly remember the hero being quietly angry in the first chapter because Allison showed up early to pick up their daughter.

I think it might be a Barbara Delinsky, but again, I wouldn't swear to it.

Ring a bell anyone? Anyone? Beuller?

Bitchery reader Natalie writes:

I am hoping that somewhere in someone’s brain, that they know the book I am about to describe.

I read it in the late 1980’s and it was a series book (either Harlequin or Silhouette). The heroine of the story’s best friend has just died and said best friend left orders that the heroine go through the crap in the attic and decide what to toss and what to keep.

The heroine is reluctant to do this because once upon a time ago, she and the hero (who married the best friend) had a tempetous affair.  Of course she goes and tries to ignore studly hero while also befriending the hero and best friend’s son.

Of course they end up jumping into bed together and before anyone can blink, there’s a knock on the door. You guessed it, secret baby plot! Secret baby is now a teen (I think his name is Tyler) and angry and sullen. Of course, the hero figures out it’s his kid in like two seconds and chaos ensues for a brief while.

The hero and heroine eventually get married and I think there was snorkeling or scuba diving on their honeymoon. (There’s more to the honeymoon, but I can’t really remember what).

They settle back home and she returns to the attic and finds a letter from the best friend saying basically that she didn’t really care what happened to her stuff, she just used it as an excuse to bring the heroine there. She goes on to write that she knew something had happened between the heroine and the hero and gives them her blessing to be together.

Does this sound familiar at all?

Bitchery reader Elyssa wrote me to say she has two books she can’t find:

I actually have two books that I’ve been looking for and my usual great memory has been failing with these two.  I know I haven’t dreamt these up, at least I don’t think I did.  I read---or should I say stole---this book from my mom’s nightstand, and I’ve been looking for it everywhere.  I’m sure it won’t live up to my memory since part of the allure was reading the book illicitly.

Book One:

I remember that this book takes place in England, and I’m pretty sure it’s Regency era.  The heroine is 17 and is blond but an orphan (so sad).  She went to school with a bunch of other girls and made friends with another fellow orphan who’s a brunette.  Somehow, the blond heroine has a guardian (the hero, who’s also blond) and there are two meddling aunts who want the couple to get together.  But, alas, the hero is sort of engaged.  And there’s one scene in the novel where this cunty ex-mistress of the hero who comes onto the heroine.  There’s also a secondary romance with the brunette friend and the hero’s friend who, of course, is a a Rake.  Oh, and the hero of the story is in his 30s (I want to say 36) and wants to marry the heroine off for some reason but can’t when he starts desiring her.

Book Two:

I also think this book takes place in England although it could start in America, too.  For the most part, the setting is on a boat and then somewhere else (possibly a desert).  The rich heroine is chasing after her fiance who’s off searching for a treasure or researching (not sure which).  The fiance keeps giving her the run-around to marry her, and heroine’s getting fed up and decides to find out what’s up.  Heroine goes to the boat-yards, smacks into the handsome hero who’s shirtless.  She hires him and gets on board.  Of course, her room is right next to the hero’s, who’s the captain of the boat.  They travel, fight sexual attraction, although there’s one scene on the boat where hero goes down on her in his cabin and she begs him to take her.  He doesn’t.  They land where they’re supposed to and find the fiance who’s been whoring and not doing what he’s supposed to.  I think the heroine has a map to where the treasure is and leads everyone to it - the hero decides to leave, thinking the heroine is better off with jerk fiance.  But heroine comes to her senses and everything ends HEA.  (For some reason, I thought the hero and heroine were named Jack and Sophie and the book had a yellow cover - but I haven’t found any books that fit this description, so I highly doubt it).

Both books would have been published during 1990s (somewhere in that decade), possibly early 2000. 

If there’s any chance that you know what these books are, it would be greatly appreciated! 

Handsome shirtless heroes? Orphans with lusty-eyed guardians? Man, there’s hardly any books like that- bring it on!