Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

While I was pregnant I didn’t have 2 hours to spare to sit and watch a movie. Now I’m home, on painkillers, and forced by my sexy new incision to spend a good amount of time sitting. Since Baba O’Riley likes to sit with me, it’s not bad, but let me be honest: as usual I have 900 channels and there’s nothing on. And the percocet makes it difficult for me to read and pay attention. I either end up staring at the words blankly or I pass out.

So, while I’m recovering, I figure I’ll watch some movies. But I don’t think I’ve watched a movie in 2 years - so I am at a loss. What’s your recommendation for romantic films (on the comedic side please - I am wickedly hormonal after all) that you’ve enjoyed? 

Here’s a new one - it’s a “Help a Bitch Out” for my own selfish needs. I’m home sick in bed (and all of my cats think this is purely a reason for me to pet them. I have four cats and two arms - it’s getting hairy over here) and am rather nauseated. Ergo I’m not reading anything - or wearing glasses or opening my eyes much, since doing so tends to make me want to boof. (No, I’m not in labor- baby is fine).

So I’m surfing Audible.com to download something to listen to, since I’m not sleepy but not really willing to use my eyeballs. Which romances-on-tape or even audio performers have you liked recently? I’m eager to listen to something - but holy cow, there’s a lot to choose from. Bring on the recommendations!

Bitchery reader Jocelynne sent me the following request for assistance from our well-read readership:

I’ve noticed in the past that when someone needs a recommendation you all are pretty good about providing some very fine recomendations.  I’ve also noticed that you have a vast knowledge of and fine appreciaton for YA novels.  Now here’s the thing, I have a sister, a half sister really, and at 16 she is almost young enough to be my own child.  We don’t know a lot about each other, and I certainly have some trouble knowing how to connect.  However, I know that she likes Meg Cabot tons and tons—or did in the past—and I would like to try sending her a little packet of books.

My understanding is that my sister has read all the young adult ones but not the adult ones.  I guess she especially loved the Princess Diaries.  Honestly, I am so unfamiliar with YA and Meg Cabot, I don’t know if that helps.

[O]ur father died a year ago.  The anniversary or his death is coming up and I would like the book(s) to be something that will be helpful for her at this time.  I know for me that books have always been an invaluable source of strength, learning, and comfort in times of pain and stress.  As I mentioned, I’m not the best at connecting here but I figured a couple of good books would at least let her know I care and I’m thinking about her.

It’s like “Help a Bitch Out: Extreme Makeover Home Edition.” We’ll all get teary reading that, eh?

So, help a Bitch out - we need Cabot-esque YA, or at least books that are of the spirit and style of the Princess Diaries.

Shall I start off by suggesting Adiós to my Old Life? I’d recommend that, since there’s certainly an uplifting element to the story, and it’s about a girl who lost a parent. What else would you suggest for the ultimate most awesome YA care package?

Annie Dean writes:

Maybe the Bitchery can help me out.

When I was like 18, I was totally into those campy old 80’s Harlequin Present books.

I would love to re-read this one, but I can’t remember title or author. It was set in Australia (or maybe New Zealand?). They’re a wealthy family, and they own like a bazillion miles of land on this ranch. The heroine has come back after being away at university. The hero is her uber-alpha stepbrother, and he had a super weird name like Kano, or something stranger than that even. She brings a boy home with her, which really causes some trouble. The hero has had the hots for the heroine since longer than was appropriate, and he’s all YOU ARE MY WOMAN NOW, EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A SPOILED BRAT. And she, of course, fights it, and does stupid shit.

Damn, if I could remember the name, I would so buy it.

You think anyone out there would know the name of this?

Step-cest on the Outback, maybe? Help a Bitch Out - anyone know this title? 

So it’s one week till national, and I’m pulling my hair.
I’m still trying to decide on what shoes I will wear.
Pregnant feet get so swollen,
They’ll each want a Croc,
but with all that “business casual,”
They don’t want to be mocked!

And meanwhile Sarah, as big as a barn,
will waddle the hotel with a parka on.
She hears that the A/C in Dallas is arctic,
But with 90+ humidity, that cold is cathartic!

The FAQ online recommends tote bags and pens
and business cards and goodies and a stack of Depends.
You might not have time to go relieve yourself
while loading up on 612,573,870 books for your shelf!

So what are your tips and your gems of experience,
for those whose prep work has made them delirious?
And who’s going to National? Who’ll be at the Hyatt?
With both the SBs there? It will be a riot!

Seriously, folks - what are your tips for RWA National? What little gem of brilliance did you learn at a past conference? What do you do to preserve your feet? Your makeup? Your sanity?

While I’ve never been to National, here are my tips :

1. Download the Conference Schedule of events from the RWA site and print it out. Take it to your nearest copy machine and reduce it so that 4 pages fit on one 8x11 sheet of paper. Cut them up, staple together - and presto: a very, very small and very portable version of the RWA Conference Schedule that takes up a LOT less room in your bag.

2. If you see an itty bitty booklight or similar book light apparatus as a giveaway, grab it. I got one at the RWA-NJ conference two years ago and we use it all the time. And what do we use it for? When Freebird was a newborn and in a basinette in our room, we used it to light our way toward making his late night bottle without turning on the lights and waking everyone up. The dim light from the booklight let the other one of us sleep while we switched off on night feeding duty without getting out of bed. Those booklights? I love them so much I start crying hormonally when I see them. It’s kind of sad.

3. Make sure to identify all the nearest ladies’ rooms, keeping in mind that the closest ladies’ room may be behind you. This is probably my biggest concern, but then, I fully plan on pitching to every editor and agent that walks in the ladies’ because I’ll be in there anyway most of the time already, just for fun. They’ll dread going in in case that crazy pregnant lady is in there waiting to pitch them a book about alien sanitation workers kidnapping women bike messengers for toe-orgies in Oklahoma.

So, Bitchery conference-goers - what’s your advice for the rest of us?