Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Cat Crawfield is a half human, half vampire 20-something, with a small town life and an upbringing regularly hosed down with shame from her grandparents and mother. Her mother was raped by a vampire, and Cat, born at 5 months gestation yet perfectly formed, was the result. She deliberately tries to hide her differences, but there’s no way to hide that she’s faster, stronger, and more resilient than the other humans in her life, to say nothing of her temper, which makes her eyes glow green.

Cat’s mother, who wields the Trowel of Guilt better than most, and I have a Jewish mother in law so I know whereof I speak, has preached long and loud to Cat that vampires are evil, horrible no good very bad things. Cat, with her superior skills and hunger for asskicking, has devised through trial-and-error and much independent research a tried and true method for dispatching vampires, and goes out nightly to hunt, lure, and kill vampires, trying to avenge her mother’s rape and her own misery.

This nocturnal badassery comes to a screeching halt when Cat is kidnapped by an exceptionally strong nosferatu named Bones, who is really, really old, really, really strong, and really, really, really sure that Cat is working for someone, someone who wants him dead. When Cat, sure her end is about two seconds away, tells him the truth about her life and mission, Bones refuses to believe her, until Cat’s emotions get the better of her and her eyes glow green. Bones, who is not a dumbass after many hundreds of years of existence, makes her an offer: train with him, and work with him as a vampire bounty hunter, or die.

Cat agrees, and the two of them team up to kill particularly evil vampires who have prices on their heads. They train, work, and, hellooo there, explore and attempt to resist the yummy sexual tension between them. Bones isn’t telling Cat everything about the vampires they’re stalking, and Cat, because she knows she’s being kept in the dark and because she’s been force-fed the “vampires are evil so kill ‘em all quick” routine from her mom, isn’t sure she can trust him. But man, she sure wants to find out more about Bones’ bone. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

The action scenes are one after the other, leading to an incredibly spanking pace to this novel, with spicy revelations from Bones and Cat peppering the plot, and mixing my metaphors. I loved that Frost crafts an authentically British/Australian hero in Bones, with dialogue and colloquialisms that scan correctly - though, let’s see, blonde, pale, British old vampire… remind you of anyone? The larger story that parallels Bones and Cat and drives their mission together is also fascinating, and Frost doesn’t skimp on the worldbuilding, either. There’s also a fascinating examination of Who Art More Evil, the vampires or the humans, and the manner in which vampire society and social rules is described and revealed isn’t infodumpy, but instead arrives through the characters’ dialogue and actions. The revelations and explorations of the dichotomy between vampire society and human society is particularly intriguing because Cat herself stands on the border of both.

The only flaws, and I tempt spoilerage here so allow me to tread carefully, are in the backstory. There isn’t enough shown of Cat’s family to understand fully what motivates her, particularly in the end of the book where the plot takes a right hand turn and heads mightily towards the cliffhanger that yearns for book 2. As the reader, I had a hard time appreciating Cat’s anger and desire for revenge in the end of the book because those for whom she sought revenge weren’t all that much to begin with. I had a much more thought-provoking and involving read while Cat was struggling with her feelings about vampires, and her feelings for one vampire in particular, than I did at the end, which functioned mainly as setup for book 2. By the time the setup for book 2 arrived, I felt like I was reading a completely different character in Cat, and am not sure I bought all the changes in her personality that were evident by the final page.

And wherefore this book 2? Could there have been a happy ending to the story as-is, without the sudden arrival of The Plot Of the Next Book 30 pages from the end. To be fair, probably not. The issues that Cat struggles with, from her family to her personal strengths and weaknesses to her evolving understanding of her own place in her world are not easily solved in the novel-sized space, so I’m definitely curious as to how Frost will resolve those issues in the coming book. It would soothe my ornery self to know about how long the series will be, and if Frost has a definite end in mind, because I liked these two characters enough to want to witness their permanent and unquestionable happy ending.

Alegria Montero tries out for a Spanish language reality show called Oye Mi Canto - “Hear my Voice.” By far one of the youngest to audition at age 17, but also one of the most talented, Ali impresses the hell out of the judges and lands one of the coveted spots on the television show. Trouble is, her very protective father has no idea she auditioned - her best friend Sosi forged his signature on the permission form. But to her surprise, she finds herself on television among some very talented - and some very vindictive - young artists, competing for an incredible opportunity to become a star. More importantly, Ali discovers what it is about performing that makes each moment on stage magical and beyond fulfilling, and learns how to grow up fast in a very, very public forum.

There’s no shortage of elements in this book that I enjoyed. Ali’s fluctuations between belief in herself and feelings of being completely overwhelmed by her experiences seem totally normal and not at all contrived, and the behavior of the people who surround her is equally believable. Ferrer has a deft and and noticeable talent in creating vivid characters. The inserted Spanish in the dialogue made sense - though as a disclaimer I do speak Spanish, but to a non-speaker it’s not that difficult to understand - and it was colloquially accurate from my experience talking to Cuban Americans. The bits of Spanish and affectionate slang added to the authenticity of the characters, and demonstrated easily the regard and love they have for each other, and for Ali.

Now, I am a sucker for behind-the-scenes information of any kind. Going into the back end of the zoo to clean poo on tv? I’ll watch that. Reading about how roadies set up a stage in a day or two? I’d totally lose myself in that. So this book fed my behind-the-scenes appetite admirably. First, Ferrer wrote in terms a person familiar with popular music would use, giving the reader inside knowledge and language about popular music - songs are called “charts,” for example, and Ali plays a priceless guitar called a Bernabé . I learned a good bit about music, acoustic instruments, and techniques that musicians use to remix popular songs with very different and innovative cultural flavors.

In addition, there’s a great deal of inside information about the backstage life of a reality tv show much like American Idol, from insight into the loss of the producer’s autonomy if a show becomes popular, to the way contestants can come together to support each other or tear each other down ruthlessly.

But even with the wealth of information about music, performing, and television competition, Adiós to my Old Life is about a strong and admirable heroine realizing her dream and acquiring sudden fame, while learning to appreciate being so blessed with a gift in music that it’s both an ambition and a solace.

The only limits to my enjoyment were an unfortunate habit of infodumping in the beginning, with Ali narrating a huge amount of explanation as to the setup of the story. And I had a hard time believing that much of the time Ali was unaware of the growing fanbase she and the other contestants had acquired, though it totally fits with her character that she’d try to ignore it.

There is a romance, though it’s secondary to the heroine-centered coming of age story that makes the book so attractive. Her romance with Jaime, a production assistant, is a major element, though not the only element that creates Ali’s character, and her relationship with Jaime pops in and out of the story as Ali learns to navigate the requirements of the performance schedule of Oye mi Canto. But the resolution of her romance is definitely a requirement to the happy ending of the novel.

If you’re looking for straight-up YA romance, this isn’t necessarily it, but this is a happy, fantastically charming story of a heroine you can both like and admire. I can’t even say how pleased I am that Adiós to my Old Life was nominated for a RITA™ for Best First Book, and for Best Contemporary Single Title Romance. I read romance for a number of reasons, but primarily because at the end, it makes me happy. This book certainly did so, and more.

Like the first book, the second offers seriously nonstop action. The pace is so quick and so fast that it’s stimulating reading instead of relaxing reading. This isn’t a book you ruminate over each passage. This is high octane move-your-ass reading that draws the reader in immediately.

Most notably, Gleason - and I won’t give away the plot twist no matter what fancy things I can do with font colors - managed to shock the hell out of me AND the heroine at the same time. I didn’t believe what was going to happen would actually happen and my reaction mirrored the heroine’s at each paragraph. I won’t say more because I feel guilty for potentially revealing the Big Secret but, damn, this was not good for my blood pressure.

Oddly, one continuing theme to the story has me baffled. As the series progresses, the tendency to keep Victoria in the dark by most of the senior and experienced characters drives me more and more batty. Victoria goes to Italy with her grandmother, and her grandmother takes care of setting everything up for their households, including Victoria’s identity as she investigates undercover, and all manner of secret details - and involves Victoria in none of it. Later, they go to the center of Venator headquarters, where her grandmother is treated akin to royalty. She is The Gardella, the matriarch of the Venators, with Victoria as her heir. Despite being the heir to such a huge mantle of responsibility, her grandmother and other characters still keep her largely in the dark as to the details and logistics of being a Ventator, to the point where I want to smack them all upside the head. On one hand Victoria is moving from a role as a newbie innocent Venator into one with more experience killing Guardians and Imperials in sets of two and three, but on the other, she’s coddled and cared for even as she’s told by those same people doing the coddling that she needs to grow up and face her difficult future.

However many times Victoria is thrown into the deep end of the bloody Venator pool, she manages to tread water and kickass at the same time, which is reassuring to say the least. Her strength and resilience is impressive, and makes for a compelling heroine. Add to that the men of mystery, Max and Sebastian, neither one of whom she is sure she can completely trust, and the book ends with half the questions answered and even more created.

Among my questions:

1. Why does Sebastian forever take his damn jacket off? Every scene: he’s taking his jacket off, or he left his jacket in the carriage, or he tosses it over a chair. The man lives in shirtsleeves. At some point this is either going to be a clue of some sort, like he’s signaling faraway observers with his white sleeves and manly arms, or it’s a peculiar affectation. But either way, it’s like David Caruso’s sunglasses: On! Off! On! Off! WTF?

2. Why does Victoria dismiss as coincidence the repeated surprise arrivals of people she knows in locations she shouldn’t likely see them? Surely this would make her suspicious, as it did me.

3. What happens next?

Like any series worth keeping track of, the Gardella Vampire Chronicles leaves as much unanswered as it does solved in the first two volumes, and the larger story arcs, from which man Victoria will choose to how she’ll face the final showdown with the Big Bad that lurks in the background, are intriguing. My patience with series books is thin, as I’ve said often on this site, but in Gleason’s hands, the mix of action, emotional punch and intrigue serve to keep me interested in books three through five. For example, I can go back and forth about which man she’s likely to choose, and why each is better, and that kind of well-wrought triangle is hard to find. I almost dread the final answer since the balance between them is so well maintained.

“Misshi, you are in such deep thought. What were you thinking about, little sister, that made you smile so sweetly?”

No way dude. Do not ask what her thoughts were. I cannot handle an incest subplot. It’s only page 6.

“You, big brother, you.”
She reached over and placed a hand on his knee.
“Maybe I’d best not ask what your thoughts were, but you were smiling, weren’t you?”

For the record: I was not smiling

“It tears at my heart to know that such a man has my sister.” He would hunt down Chief Bear and kill the savage himself. If… she...was still alive!

Note: ellipses are for em...pha...sis....

...

“Son, your tepee awaits you. Foods that you kill will cook over the flames of the fires. I have taught you not only how to be a strong leader with the right morals, but I have also taken the time to teach you the art of cooking, since you and your braves will not have mothers, or daughters, or even cousins to cook for you.”

Heaven forbid he not have the right morals, or that the reader not be informed of them through wooden dialogue! And clearly his mother’s other Indian name: JuliaFuckingChild.

When she saw the lifeless body...she knew the one lying there was her husband. Signing with relief, for she did love the man no matter the havoc he wreaked everywhere he went, she fell to her knees.

Of course she loves him. He kills people in fits of rage and she has had to send her only child away for his own safety. How can you not love a man like that?

He was devoted to his small group.... And with a woman by his side, giving him the nourishment of her love, could he not be twice the leader he was said to be today?

Sounds like Soaring Hawk is really just tired of cooking for himself.

My heart is heavy. I cannot put everyone in danger only because the boy in me wants to go to my mother.

What a weenus
...

Misshi signed happily. She had adapted well to life with these kind Shoshone. She had even dyed her hair black with the stalks of a root called we-sha-sha so that she could look like an Indian. She was so very fond of her life as an Indian maiden that she was averse to the idea of going back to live in the white world.

Looking for the backstory of how she adapted to this new life? This is all you get

“It seems that fate today has arranged that you and my adopted daughter should finally meet. Perhaps it is the will of the spirits. I am not one to argue with fate.”

Fate, huh? Chief Stepfather clearly studied his Greek and Roman mythology in Indian chief school.
...

“My son is too astute to take such bait.... He is a man who prays and whose prayers are answered. In his prayers he sees his mother well and strong.”

Part of those morals she taught, huh? Christian rhetoric towards prayer? In my prayers I see myself with no recollection that this book exists.
...

He had to see to Chief Bear’s demise. Of late he had discovered he had a talent for singing. He couldn’t help wondering how it would feel to perform before an audience in St. Louis’s beautiful opera house.

See? I was not kidding.  Opera + Lisp = Subtle reference to gayness and therefore teh evil.
...

He was sure she had feelings for him, and that knowledge made his loins ache with need of her. He wanted her with him always!

When a man you have never met before realizes his loins ache with need of you...now THAT is Impulse. Or VD.

“Soaring Hawk, is it not time for your blankets to be warmed by a woman’s body? Does not Misshi stir your loins?”

That would be her stepfather talking. At this scene I crossed my legs and felt ill.

She gasped, embarrassed by Washakie’s openness in speaking about Soaring Hawk’s loins!

I did not want to know about his loins, either, but no one asked me.

But nearby, glittering evil green eyes watched them from high above, soon to make a beautiful moon become suddenly...savage.

Did you miss that? The moon is...savage? Like the title of the book? Yeah? You got that? Ok then.

Because life was harsh here in Wyoming land.

It is pretty fucking awful here in Jersey land because I am still reading this goddam piece of shite book.
...

“Do you truly think I can learn how to ride a horse again?”
“You will ride, you will feel the freedom of riding, and you will feel the joy it brings to your heart.”

Yeah. Subtle, there, Mr. Hawk. Also, would the concept of a heart properly belong in Shoshone vernacular?

“When I wish to be alone with my prayers, I come to this secret place. One day, though, it will be discovered by whites.”

‘You mean like the one next to you? You want to offend the girl who stirs your loins?

“It is so beautiful,” Misshi sighed.

Never mind. She is too stupid to be offended.

A blaze of urgency filled her as his tongue continued to pleasure her in a way she would have thought forbidden. But the wild exuberant passion it created within her made her uncaring of society’s rules.

What society? Does Native American society forbid oral sex? Or was she thinking of Regency society?

“Nei-com-man-pe-ein, I love you, woman,” Soaring Hawk said huskily, then crushed her lips with a heated kiss and ground his body into hers until they both moaned.

Probably because it hurt. Ow.
...

“Those responsible for this kill might be close enough to grab you.”
“Then go and I will go with you; I shall keep my eyes closed.”

Can I keep my eyes closed, too? For the rest of the book?
...

He knew that this night would not pass without their coming together as lovers!

Chiefs who speak in exclamation points are probably lousy in bed, though.

In Shoshone and Bannock the North Star is called Wa-se-a-ure-chah-pe, and then there is Ursa Major which his also called the Seven Stars and The Wagon. It makes its revolution around the polar star, pointing toward it. This is the secret of how my people travel by night when there is no moon.”

Time to show off a small amount of research!’

“I love the Milky Way.” I love how it is called moch-pa-achon-ka-hoo, the backbone of the sky.”

This is one hell of a Wiki article she read.

“We also believe the Aurora Borealis is a cloud of fire.”

At least, we believe it because the internet says we do.

Nothing had stopped Chief Bear’s hate until that bullet entered the base of his skull and rendered him almost a vegetable.

Yes. Native Americans totally used that phrase to describe catatonic people.

Misshi turned toward White Snow Feather. She tried to ignore the resentment in the depths of the woman’s eyes.
“White Snow Feather, I can never forget what Chief Bear did to my family, and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him, but if Soaring Hawk can bargain for his release, I will not interfere.”
Just that quickly, the antagonism White Snow Feather had felt for Misshi was gone.

You mean your conflict with your mother in law is not solved this easily?’

His father wasn’t even aware when Soaring Hawk could no longer hold back his tears and took Chief Bear into his arms. “Oh, Father, is it I. It is Soaring Hawk who has come to take you home to Mother.”

What a weenus.
...

“This is our special night. My woman, I have not even played my flute of love for you.”

NO NO NO. DO NOT PLAY YOUR FLUTE OF LOVE.

He was proud of her knowledge of the Shoshone way of healing. She knew so much, no Shaman was required to ensure Soaring Hawk’s health.

She is a regular powerhouse of healing, yet she is dumb as tree bark.

“See the dried material on the very tips of the sharpened stone arrowhead?” Soaring Hawk said, pointing toward it. “The points of these arrowheads have been dipped into a mixture of pulverized ants and the spleen of an animal that has been allowed to decay in the direct rays of the sun,” Soaring Hawk said grimly. “This rotten mixture combined with rattlesnake venom is the deadliest of weapons.”

Hey! It is CSI: Shoshone!

Misshi fell to her knees. “Finding these scalps and these arrows proves that my brother has been killing whites and making it look like the work of Indians.”

Or merely that he likes to kill people and keep souvenirs under his floorboards. Nice aroma. Hides the crazy person smell.
...

“During council, I had a premonition you weren’t safe.”

Nah. Really they were about to form a task force and he ran out of there before they appointed him to it.

“Big brother, who was the true savage! You were, Dale, you were.”

Yeah. You were. In case you missed all the scalping earlier, gentle reader. In ironic twist: white brother = savage.

“These flowers will help erase the ugliness I just went through.”

Where are my fucking flowers that can erase the ugliness I went through!? SOMEONE GET THOSE HEALING MEMORY ERASING FLOWERS ON THE PORCH - STAT!

"Misshi, you are in such deep thought. What were you thinking about, little sister, that made you smile so sweetly?"
"You, big brother, you."
She reached over and placed a hand on his knee.
"Maybe I'd best not ask what your thoughts were, but you were smiling, weren't you?"

"It tears at my heart to know that such a man has my sister." He would hunt down Chief Bear and kill the savage himself. If... she...was still alive!

...

"Son, your tepee awaits you. Foods that you kill will cook over the flames of the fires. I have taught you not only how to be a strong leader with the right morals, but I have also taken the time to teach you the art of cooking, since you and your braves will not have mothers, or daughters, or even cousins to cook for you."

When she saw the lifeless body...she knew the one lying there was her husband. Signing with relief, for she did love the man no matter the havoc he wreaked everywhere he went, she fell to her knees.

He was devoted to his small group.... And with a woman by his side, giving him the nourishment of her love, could he not be twice the leader he was said to be today?

My heart is heavy. I cannot put everyone in danger only because the boy in me wants to go to my mother.

...

Misshi signed happily. She had adapted well to life with these kind Shoshone. She had even dyed her hair black with the stalks of a root called we-sha-sha so that she could look like an Indian. She was so very fond of her life as an Indian maiden that she was averse to the idea of going back to live in the white world.

"It seems that fate today has arranged that you and my adopted daughter should finally meet. Perhaps it is the will of the spirits. I am not one to argue with fate."

...

"My son is too astute to take such bait.... He is a man who prays and whose prayers are answered. In his prayers he sees his mother well and strong."

...

He had to see to Chief Bear's demise. Of late he had discovered he had a talent for singing. He couldn't help wondering how it would feel to perform before an audience in St. Louis's beautiful opera house.

...

He was sure she had feelings for him, and that knowledge made his loins ache with need of her. He wanted her with him always!

"Soaring Hawk, is it not time for your blankets to be warmed by a woman's body? Does not Misshi stir your loins?"

She gasped, embarrassed by Washakie's openness in speaking about Soaring Hawk's loins!

But nearby, glittering evil green eyes watched them from high above, soon to make a beautiful moon become suddenly...savage.

Because life was harsh here in Wyoming land.

...

"Do you truly think I can learn how to ride a horse again?"
"You will ride, you will feel the freedom of riding, and you will feel the joy it brings to your heart."

"When I wish to be alone with my prayers, I come to this secret place. One day, though, it will be discovered by whites."
"It is so beautiful," Misshi sighed.

A blaze of urgency filled her as his tongue continued to pleasure her in a way she would have thought forbidden. But the wild exuberant passion it created within her made her uncaring of society's rules.

"Nei-com-man-pe-ein, I love you, woman," Soaring Hawk said huskily, then crushed her lips with a heated kiss and ground his body into hers until they both moaned.

...

"Those responsible for this kill might be close enough to grab you."
"Then go and I will go with you; I shall keep my eyes closed."

...

He knew that this night would not pass without their coming together as lovers!

In Shoshone and Bannock the North Star is called Wa-se-a-ure-chah-pe, and then there is Ursa Major which his also called the Seven Stars and The Wagon. It makes its revolution around the polar star, pointing toward it. This is the secret of how my people travel by night when there is no moon."

"I love the Milky Way." I love how it is called moch-pa-achon-ka-hoo, the backbone of the sky."

"We also believe the Aurora Borealis is a cloud of fire."

Nothing had stopped Chief Bear's hate until that bullet entered the base of his skull and rendered him almost a vegetable.

Misshi turned toward White Snow Feather. She tried to ignore the resentment in the depths of the woman's eyes.
"White Snow Feather, I can never forget what Chief Bear did to my family, and I'm not sure I can ever forgive him, but if Soaring Hawk can bargain for his release, I will not interfere."
Just that quickly, the antagonism White Snow Feather had felt for Misshi was gone.

His father wasn't even aware when Soaring Hawk could no longer hold back his tears and took Chief Bear into his arms. "Oh, Father, is it I. It is Soaring Hawk who has come to take you home to Mother."

...

"This is our special night. My woman, I have not even played my flute of love for you."

He was proud of her knowledge of the Shoshone way of healing. She knew so much, no Shaman was required to ensure Soaring Hawk's health.

"See the dried material on the very tips of the sharpened stone arrowhead?" Soaring Hawk said, pointing toward it. "The points of these arrowheads have been dipped into a mixture of pulverized ants and the spleen of an animal that has been allowed to decay in the direct rays of the sun," Soaring Hawk said grimly. "This rotten mixture combined with rattlesnake venom is the deadliest of weapons."

Misshi fell to her knees. "Finding these scalps and these arrows proves that my brother has been killing whites and making it look like the work of Indians."

...

"During council, I had a premonition you weren't safe."

"Big brother, who was the true savage! You were, Dale, you were."

"These flowers will help erase the ugliness I just went through."

---

So there you have it: brain poison, Cassie Edwards style. I have to seriously question WHY this shit is continually published? I know the short answer is that many someones, somewhere out there, is buying this shit. But holy crap in a cover, why? How is it that this superficial, tawdry, poorly-written drivel passes as some sort of tribute to Native American culture? You know the crying Indian commercial from the 70's? He's not crying because he paddled through chemical waste and litter. He's crying because he just finished a Cassie Edwards novel that bastardized his culture into trite homilies and meaningless drivel.

Seriously, the presence of books like this on the market pisses me off. I take it personally that people are writing, marketing, and selling this crap because it is so utterly and completely terrible, it's culturally offensive, it's poorly written, and it's so very much the reason why romance novels have such a bad reputation. It's insulting to Native Americans, and it's insulting to me. F this book, literally.