Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Sarah: There were some gawdawful covers last year. I can think of a few that turned my stomach to an even deeper yogic twist than some of these, but I have to say, as a slate of terrible, this slate is pretty good. Not great - there were plenty that were much, much worse - but on the whole, not bad for badness. I didn’t upload every single one, since some of them weren’t really poor enough to be among the worst. So here’s our slate.

Candy: I’ve seen worse, to be honest, and I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand: it really does seem like publishers are finally learning and moving away from the fug. Some of the Worst Cover nominees from 2006 and 2005, for example, I actually liked--but then I dig the comic book look and don’t find comics embarrassing the way some of the commentators apparently do. On the other hand: I derive a certain measure of delicious masochistic pain from the terrible covers, and lots of belly laughs from the ensuing commentary in the contest. Less fug = less fun. The genre wins, but my selfish side wants the cheap laugh, goddammit.

That said: There are still quite a few gems from this particular batch.

Also: when you’re done looking at the snark, head over to Cover Cafe and cast your vote.

Candy: So THIS is what it looks like when Cousin Itt gets a trim and tries to fuck a tribble! Hawt!

Sarah: Nothing says “oh yeah” like necking in the fiery depths of the earth’s core while feeling your skin slowly melt from your body. Hawt indeed!

Candy: Great. You know Cinemax is starting to run low on ideas when they start resorting to “When PR Interns Go Wild” for the late night softcore offerings.

Sarah: The car! The car is tilting at a not-even-closer-to-horizontal dizzying angle and they’re about to roll off the cliff into a fiery oblivion! Wait, apparently they’ve identified the problem and are going out with a bang. You’d think they’d hurry up and get themselves horizontal already.

Candy: Holy shit! My first thought: Post-op tranny love. And goddamn, that sister wasn’t shy about specifying exactly how big she wanted her bazooms to be.

Sarah: We’re moments away from knowing all there is to know about The Crying Game, with bonus DVD features, like this instructional shot that demonstrates how to grab one’s falsie like Wilson Phillips and hold on.

Candy: We’ve snarked this cover in the past, and I want to reiterate: Come on, Kensington. FOR SHAME. If you advertise big, spankable asses, we want big, spankable asses. We want thunderclap-worthy asses. (Warning: video mildly not-work-safe.) That ass? Not even worthy of a static shock.

Sarah: Not big. Not spankable. Not even close. And if the problem is with the title and not so much the cover image, then I expect “Baby of Shame” to make next year’s slate. 

Candy: Oh my God. Between the contrast of the unnaturally perky, clean-cut blonde chick being groped by Gomez Addams’ creepy younger brother (I get the impression he sells used Kias for a living) and the looming house in the background, it’s like Amityville Horror meets the Osmonds.

Make the screaming in my head stop, mommy. Please?

Sarah: Apparently, after the wedding, someone went on a meth bender while operating Photoshop without a license, and this was the result. A bonafide disaster.

Candy: You know, other than the fact that that’s way more skin than I want on the front cover of my book, there’s nothing too horribly wrong with this cover. It’s soft-focus softcore cheesy, and I can practically hear the smooth jazz playing in the background and breathy moans as I look at this, but compared to the other covers, my sensibilities haven’t been ripped out, ripped into shreds, danced upon with three-inch stiletto heels and set on fire.

Sarah: Nothing says, “This book has sex in it” like two people on the cover having sex. Thank you to this book for making it that much more difficult for me to defend accusations that romance = porn.

Especially with the jizztastic explosion of water going on behind her, there. If he orgasms that forcefully in real life, well, no wonder he has to hold onto her by the longhairs. She probably doesn’t have any short ones.

Candy: Touch of Madness? Well, yes, I believe necrophilia is typically a sign of SOME sort of pathology--especially when you start going for the ones who are starting to rot.

Sarah: I can hear the book trailer now: He’s creepy and he’s cooked -EEE!. She’s zombified and ookey. This sure don’t look like nookie. Clamp and Adams, scaring me.

Second, another coronation! To Bronwwyn, who identified all three books in an HaBO trilogy, kneel, and welcome to the Peerage™:

And, prizes! For LOLCovers, which, should you need a reason to wet your pants, well, it seems the Bitchery is happy to provide. By collective voting on- and offline, the winner was Aubrey, for the entry that literally made me snort coffee up my nose. Aubrey, please so I can mail you your prize - the Romance Novel Magnetic Poetry Kit.

There was a tie for second place, and the voting as a whole was so close that I also want to give mad props and big ups and random bits of shouting to Tinkerbon and Soni, whose entries were totally wheeze-worthy. I was long past laughter looking at these entries - I was well into “wheeze and gasp laughter” territory. Good for the abs, I hear.

Third place: to Jenifer, who took the worst of the worst and made them oh-so-awesome.

Speaking of, here’s a rare bit of story from my world. Last weekend I went to a dinner party celebrating my cousin’s marriage to a nice bloke from England, and as part of the party favor, my aunt placed “Brit-speak” cards at every place setting. My card? You guessed it: “Bollocks.” I was SO pleased.

Bonus: see the making-of behind the scenes video as well, for additional blokes and giggles: