Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Thanks to Kate for alerting me to the Hurricane Katrina Direct Relief blog. If you want to volunteer in the area, if you want to cut through the red tape and ship supplies directly to shelters, if you want to know up-to-date info on where assorted mail services can and can’t deliver to, if you want to know what supplies the shelters currently need, read this blog.

Check out the goofy names here.

Seems a noble historian named Rene Jackaman researched funky names in the local records office in Cornwall after coming across a real life "Horatio Hornblower."

"Oh, ho!," thought SB Sarah. A contest beckons!

So SB Candy, in her wily wisdom, created a title generator, which you see below. And we came up with a Smart Bitch Contest!

Le Rules!

1. You shall select a name from the Yahoo!News article above

2. You shall generate a title from the script below

3. You shall write the Luuuuuurve™ scene from the book of that title, featuring that character by name

4. You shall email the Luuuuuurve™ scene to Sarah or Candy

Entries due: Monday Sept. 19

We shall post an entry with the contestant's submissions, and allow the SBTB Bitchery (that'd be you, noble readers) to vote on the winner. Winners will be announced Friday, Sept. 23.

Le Prize!

Since we've been fortunate to receive a lovely number of advertisers (thank you advertisers!), we are able to offer a fabulous pair of prizes!

The winner shall receive a Smart Bitch Title™ of their very own, along with a $10 gift certificate to Amazon.com.

So, start your engines, and please email your entries to us - don't post them in the comments. We wouldn't want to miss one accidentally!

---

In case that article goes offline, here are the names found in the Cornwall County Record Office census records:

Horatio Hornblower
Azubia Hornblower
Constantia Hornblower
Jecoliah Hornblower
Jedidah Hornblower
Jerusha Hornblower
Erastus Hornblower
Abraham Thunderwolff
Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane
Boadicea Basher
Philadelphia Bunnyface
Faithful Cock
Susan Booze
Elizabeth Disco
Edward Evil
Fozzitt Bonds
Truth Bullock
Charity Chilly
Gentle Fudge
Obedience Ginger
Offspring Gurney
Levi Jeans
Nicholas Bone and Priscilla Skin
Charles Swine and Jane Ham
John Mutton and Ann Veale
Richard Dinner and Mary Cook

---

Your next bestseller should be titled:

the

I admit, until recently I’d never read a Silhouette. Now, I have to come clean and admit I’ve never read a traditional Regency romance, either. Not a Heyer, not a Cartland - the closest I’ve come is Evil Auntie’s Parody. So - give me the straight dish: what traditional Regencies (not Regency-set historicals) do you recommend?

And we shall expediently add these to our Good Shit vs. Shit to Avoid category. I swear!

A while back, somebody gently *koff* pointed out that we came up with a neat idea, and then did shit-all with it. Namely, the “readers recommend, we post the recommendations!” idea. Today, we finally got off our asses and sorted all this shit out.

Asterisks denote books that aren’t really romances, so if you’re looking for an HEA and a neatly wrapped-up ending by the end, tread carefully with these books.

Kerry recommends Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark Hunter series.

recommends:

• Undead and Unwed* by MaryJanice Davidson
• Undead and Unemployed* by MaryJanice Davidson
• Angela Knight
• Nina Bangs
• Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series* (prior to Obsidian Butterfly)
• Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series*

Alyssa recommends Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series* (Dead Until Dark, Living Dead in Dallas, Club Dead, Dead to the World, Dead as a Doornail).

Meljean recommends:

• Twilight Phantasies by Maggie Shayne
• Twilight Memories by Maggie Shayne
• Born in Twilight by Maggie Shayne
• “The Night Owl” by Emma Holly, Hot Blooded anthology
• Hunting Midnight by Emma Holly
• Catching Midnight by Emma Holly

Jorie recommends Sunshine* by Robin McKinley.

Angie recommends:

• If Angels Burn by Lynn Viehl
• Shiloh Walker’s Hunter series
• JC Wilder’s Shadow Dweller series
• Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series*
• The Dhampir* series by Barb & JC Hendee
• Shannon Drake
• Undead and Unwed* by Maryjanice Davidson
• Undead and Unemployed* by Maryjanice Davidson
• Linda Lael Miller’s Vampire Valerian series
• Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series* (prior to Obsidian Butterfly)

Rosario recommends:

• Undead and Unwed* by MaryJanice Davidson
• “The Night Owl” by Emma Holly, Hot Blooded anthology
• Hunting Midnight by Emma Holly
• Catching Midnight by Emma Holly
• Darkness Calls by Caridad Piñeiro

cw recommends:

• “The Night Owl” by Emma Holly, Hot Blooded anthology
• Prince of the Night by Jasmine Cresswell
• “Candidate for the Kiss” by Angela Knight in Secrets Vol. 6

Samantha Winston recommends My Fair Pixie by, well, Samantha Winston. Heh.

recommends:

• The Vampire Viscount by Karen Harbaugh
• The Silver Kiss* by Annette Curtis Klause
• Undead and Unwed* by Maryjanice Davidson

Nicole recommends:

• If Angels Burn by Lynn Viehl
• Single White Vampire by Lynsay Sands
• Love Bites by Lynsay Sands
• Tall, Dark, and Hungry by Lynsay Sands
• Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark Hunter series
• Undead and Unwed* by Maryjanice Davidson
• Nibbles ‘n Bits anthology by Judy Mays, Mardi Ballou, and Delilah Devlin

Irsyangel recommends Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series*.

Monica recommends Midnight Gamble by Nancy Gideon and Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake books*, but only until and including Blue Moon.

Darlene recommends:

• Sunshine* by Robin McKinley
• The first six books of Chelsea Quinn Yarbro’s St. Germain* series.

Gabrielle recommends:

• Keri Arthur
• The Vampire Viscount by Karen Harbaugh
• Night Fires by Karen Harbaugh
• Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series*

recommends Katie MacAlister’s vampire novels.

recommends Linda Lael Miller’s Vampire Valerian series.

recommends:

• Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series*
• Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark Hunter series
• Undead and Unwed* by MaryJanice Davidson
• Undead and Unemployed* by MaryJanice Davidson

Gail recommends:

• Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series*
• Undead and Unwed* by MaryJanice Davidson
• Undead and Unemployed* by MaryJanice Davidson
• Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series*
• If Angels Burn by Lynn Viehl with the following caveat: “I liked the book, but thought the romance was a bit thin. The romantic couple did the fighting bit well, but the getting-together-in-the-end didn’t seem quite believable to me. There wasn’t really any reason that I saw for them to suddenly be in love. If they were in love. I’m not real sure what their status was at the end...but it was a fun read anyway.”

October 28 Update

recommends Tanya Huff’s Blood series*.

recommends Rachel Morgan’s series* by Kim Harrison.

Emma Gads recommends Susan Squires’ Companion series.

recommends:

• Laws of the Blood: Companions by Susan Sizemore
• Mercedes Lackey’s Children of the Night*
• Those Who Hunt the Night* and Travelling with the Dead* by Barbara Habmly

Ellen Fisher recommends:

• If Angels Burn* by Lynn Viehl
• The Companion by Susan Squires
• The Forever Kiss by Angela Knight

Maili recommends:

• Prince of the Night by Jasmine Creswell
• Love Bites by Margaret St. George
• These Fallen Angels and This Dark Paradise by Wendy Haley
• Blood and Roses by Sharon Bainbridge
• Sinful Secrets by Thea Devine ("probably the weirdest read in a while; honestly, it’ll fuck with your mind")
• Night’s Immortal Touch and Nights’ Immortal Kiss by Cherlyn Jac
• Dark Dreams by Jane Harrison ("for the opening chapter alone, I have to admit")
• Those Who Hunt the Night* and Travelling with the Dead* by Barbara Hambly

Robyn recommends Those Who Hunt the Night* and Travelling with the Dead* by Barbara Hambly.

recommends Kim Harrison and L.A. Banks’ series*.

So does Sara.

And so does La Karibane, and also recommends The Companion by Susan Squires.

Vera Nazarian recommends:

• The Vampire Viscount by Karen Harbaugh
• Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series*
• Undead and Unwed by MaryJanice Davidson
• Undead and Unemployed by MaryJanice Davidson
• Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark Hunter series

recommends the Carpathian series by Christine Feehan.

recommends the Katie MacAlister’s vampire books.

When Maili first started LoveSpace, I thought “Oooh, what a great tool for SF romance fans!”

Then I looked at the covers.

And looked. And looked. And looked some more.

Once I’d picked myself up the floor and stopped wheezing from all the cat hair I’d inhaled while cackling helplessly, I knew what had to be done. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. For the good of one and all, these covers need to be snarked at. Mercilessly.

Candy: Anal sex position + Goofy effect on font + Disco dress made with yards of yellow satin = AHHH MY EYES

The chick looks really uncomfortable. Why in the hell did they think that pose looks even remotely sexy? “OK, bend your neck until it looks like it’s going to snap… OK, good, good… No, not extreme enough. Put your right hand behind your head and use it to shove your neck back even further. Ahhhh, perfect. Now, push your ass against his groin and grab his thigh. No, not so hard--I know your neck hurts and it’s hard to keep your balance, but it’s not all about you, sweetie.”

And this is a measure of how much freakin’ Indian romance covers have corrupted my sensibilities: Any vaguely-tanned, Caucasoid male on a romance cover immediately makes me think of Indians.

Sarah: “I love the nightlife. I like to boogie. On the disco ra-houuuuuuuuuund, oh yeah!”

“Silent, or you shall alert the aliens to our presence.”

Is he going for her breast while under the influence of a hallucinogenic? Because he’s missing by about six inches, but really, it’s not like you could find them under all that yellow fabric.

Also, nice rock phallus in the background. The rock phallus even has its own erection.

Candy: Wow. Mullet: check. Goofy shirt: check. Tacky medallion: check. High-waisted pants: check.

This guy is the perfect combination of all the right things… for my nightmares.

Sarah: It has come to the attention of those of us in SACCA (Society Against Cruelty to Cover Animals) that a black and white shorthair, possibly a Scottish fold given the shape of his ears, was pictured wearing a green-and-white stud collar while seated at the feet of a bloated, mullet-wearing mega-dork who bore a startling resemblance to Deidrich Bader. Such cruelty and disrespect to the integrity of the feline species is not to be tolerated and we demand an apology. We also demand that the medallion be herewith awarded to the cat for having to endure this malarkey.

Also - “Dara Joy fans rejoice?” Why, here is a cover that’s worse than hers?

Candy: Oh, hey, speaking of nightmares....

You know, giving black roses to the girl of your dreams as a romantic gesture usually strikes me as something only whiny Goth teenagers would do. But apparently slightly pudgy gym monkeys find it romantic too. Sweet.

Unless “black rose” is somehow a euphemism for “incurable venereal disease,” because frankly, that’s what I think when I see this cover. Seriously. So. Friggin’. Sleazy.

Sarah:Aw, look. Troy Aikman’s futuristic twin brother hides his ginormous mantitty behind a black rose. Sadly, the blossom ain’t big enough to hide his bloomin’ boob.

Candy’s right. This is one seriously creepy dude. Yeesh. I bet he’s related to the pull-my-finger Viking.

Candy: Hey, maybe those alarmists who want to block kinky sex from romance novels have a point. I mean, look! A snuff romance novel! Homegirl is trying to push the psycho murderer with the wrinkly neck away from her, but when your arm’s about as thick as a pencil and you have as much muscle tone as a piece of nougat, it’s not easy.

Sarah: “Your face. I want your face.”

“Oh, Brett ba-Havar-nir-Tamir, I want you, too.”

“No, your face. I want your face. Give it to me.”

“My face? But it doesn’t come off!”

“Sure it does. Hold still.”