Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Candy: Wow. Is there a name for people who like having group sex with mannequins? Les freaques aux plastiques? Jesus. And I thought Furries were bad.

The hand placement for the guy on the right is also muy, muy creepy. Makes me think he’s about to pop her head clean off, then run around the house swinging her head manically before hanging it from the ceiling fan.

Sarah: I have often asked myself, “Self, what ever happened to Clay Aiken?” Self, now you know.

Nothin’ sexier than a skinny man with no shirt. And a shoulder-sunburn. From being buried up to his clavicle.

Victorious Star Cover - NOTE: NOT WORK SAFE

Candy: Aaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

*stops for breath*

HAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahaaaaa.

Oh God. That woman sure has some bitchin’ bangs and maroon eyeshadow, though I guess I should be grateful it’s not aquamarine. And the way the man’s hand is curved around her right hooter makes it seem as if it has no give at all. You’d think in the far future that plastic breastables would be more realistic, but apparently not even science that allows us to conquer faster-than-light travel can make breast impants lose that jello mold look. WORST. COVER. EVER.

Also: it hurts me to see how low Jason Mewes has sunk in his efforts to bolster his heroin habit.

Snoochie boochies! (But maybe “Snoochie coochies” would be more appropriate in this instance.)

Sarah: Candy totally has me beat on the “Dude, who does that dude look like?” contest. That dude totally looks like Jason Mewes. That’s so sad. Jason Mewes with a Legolas hairdo.

I have to ask Hubby who the other dude looks like. Damn, Hubby can’t figure it out, either. Ok, someone has to help me figure out who that dude looks like.

And that is the most horrid cover I have ever seen. Dear God. I need to lie down.

Candy: Guy: Unhhhh! Unnnh! Oh baby!
Girl: YES! OH YESSS! Ram that fleshy sword of love into my love chunnel, you stud!
Leopard: RAARR! Take it up the ass, bitch!

Sarah: Leopard 1: “I say, Jerome, there appear to be some rather beefy people engaging in some, shall we say, activities out in yonder swamp. “
Leopard 2: “Never!”
Leopard 1: “True, I am afraid. At this moment, in fact. Hear them?”
Leopard 2: “I do, indeed. Hm. Well, I am feeling a bit peckish.”
Leopard 1: “Oh, it has been a long time since you’ve eaten. Go on.”
Leopard 2: “Are you sure?”
Leopard 1: “Oh, yes. Go on. Enjoy. Bon appetit.”

Candy: Guy: I’m either constipated, or like Keanu Reeves, this is my Look of Passionate Intensity.
Girl: Is it in yet? I’m kind of bored.
Leopard: WOO, TITTY! Even ghostly leopards need titty. Oh yeah. OH YEAH. Much better than that chick’s from Victorious Star.

And once this guy leans over he’s going to get it up the ass, too.

Sarah: “Even ghostly leopards need titty.” A truer saying was never, er, said. *sniff* Just the price of a cup of coffee each day could give ghostly leopards their own titty. Imagine the difference you could make.

I won’t even go near my normal “What was the art department thinking?” ruminations. I can’t even imagine, unless their goal is to Not Sell Books. 

Maili interviewed me for her website! Go check it out. The critics have weighed in, and this is what some of them have to say:

“Great interview!”

“Brilliant as always.”

What are you waiting for? Go! Read! Because I plan on spending most of this weekend reading, and Sarah is smack in the middle of moving-in hell, so God knows what kind of content you’ll find on the site this weekend.

Congratulations to kt for guessing the correct answer to this week’s personal ad challenge! Kneel, kt, for we Smart Bitches dub thee:

It’s Friday - so let’s guess that heroine. Winner, as usual, gets coronated with fine Smart Bitch nobility.

Plucky animal-loving heroine with soft hands seeks big, tough, alpha law man to help solve murder, and learn to love all creatures small and hairless. Must be brave and somewhat calloused, but with soft interior, especially when family and pets are concerned. 

OK, I previously noted that I didn’t necessarily give a shit about what an author believed in, because if I restricted my reading to books by authors whose views I entirely agreed with, my list of authors would probably shrink to, like, two people. As of today, I have revised this policy for three notable exceptions:

1. Authors who hold obviously homophobic views.

2. Authors who hold obviously racist views.

3. Authors who hold obviously sexist views.

This applies only to authors who are still living and, presumably, enjoying royalties from books purchased new from the bookstore. I’m not saying I won’t ever, ever read books by racist/sexist/homophobic authors, mind you--I’ll just get them from the library, borrow a friend’s copy or get it used.

What brought this on, you ask? I just recently read this assheaded article by Orson Scott Card on why teh gheys don’t deserve to marry. In particular, this sentence made me laugh and gasp and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FURIOUS at the same time:

“Regardless of their opinion of homosexual “marriage,” every American who believes in democracy should be outraged that any court should take it upon itself to dictate such a social innovation without recourse to democratic process.”

I see. I’m not American, but I would like to direct all you democratically-minded Americans to feel outrage about the following court rulings that led to massive social innovations:

Brown v. Board of Education

Loving v. Virginia

Both were pretty controversial and unpopular rulings at the time--for example, a Gallup poll taken in 1965 (a mere two years before the ruling for Loving v. Virginia) showed that 72% of Southern whites and 42% of Northern whites supported bans of inter-racial marriages.

Anyway, I have a lot more to say on this issue, but I’ll shut my trap now. Let’s just say that though I’ve wanted to read Ender’s Game for a long time, I’ll now just check it out from the library.

(Link to Orson Scott Card asshattery courtesy of PBW.)