My friend Katie, who’s this freakish Platonic Ideal of the geek babe (she likes science fiction! and comics! and role-playing! and video games! and she’s a CHEMIST!), recently decided she’d summarize her opinions of all the Nebula Award winners she’d finished reading in haiku format.
C’mon, the sheer geek-fu of that has to strike you speechless. I know it did me.
1965 - Dune
Don’t drink the water
You find on desert planets
It will make you God.
1966 - Babel-17
Words describe language;
Language is a weapon - so
Will this book kill me?
1966 - Flowers for Algernon
This book is good if
You can avoid thinking of
Pinky and the Brain.
1967 - The Einstein Intersection
Mutant rides lizards
Search for meaning or is it
Just an acid trip?
1968 - Rite of Passage
Grow up on spaceship.
Become adult on planet.
After-school special.
1969 - The Left Hand of Darkness
An empire failing
An alien all alone
But for one person.
1970 - Ringworld
Being old is dull
Get some aliens, a ship
And go exploring!
1971 - A Time of Changes
Can’t get enough love?
Don’t worry, it’s the 70’s
All you need is drugs!
1972 - The Gods Themselves
Two races may die
Unless they find out that there’s
No such thing as 2.
1973 - Rendezvous With Rama
What is this huge thing?
Alien passing by Earth?
You don’t get to know.
1974 - The Dispossessed
You cannot go home
Unless you know home is where
You have never been.
1975 - The Forever War
Spend a million years
Fighting until there’s peace, but
What is left for you?
1976 - Man Plus
Take away his skin
Eyes, mouth, hair, genitalia;
Is he still human?
1977 - Gateway
My love is dying,
Falling into a black hole
But she is not dead.
1978 - Dreamsnake
My snake can heal you
with its venom! No, really!
Unless you kill it…
1979 - The Fountains of Paradise
All we really need
For space elevator is:
Monks and lots of cash.
1980 - Timescape
NMR through time.
Save the past - future’s hopeless.
NMR is cool.
1981 - The Claw of the Conciliator
It’s a fine old job
Good career for a young man:
Executioner
1982 - No Enemy But Time
Loner time travels:
Is banging Neanderthals
Bestiality?
1983 - Startide Rising
Dolphins lost in space
Learn an important lesson:
Never trust orcas.
1984 - Neuromancer
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This is kind of sad.
1985 - Ender’s Game
Outcast kid genius
Though unpopular, saves Earth
Guess why geeks love this.
1986 - Speaker for the Dead
Gosh Ender’s Game rocked.
And wow! Now there’s a sequel!
Hey, wait a minute…
1987 - The Falling Woman
Mother and daughter
Fuck around Mayan ruins
The Mayans fuck back.
1988 - Falling Free
Four arms but no legs
Slaves! But to rebel they need
Human leadership.
1989 - The Healer’s War
In ‘Nam, even with
Magic, the best you can do
Is get out alive.
1990 - Tehanu: The Last Book of Earthsea
A preistess, a maze
Dark gods, dark magic and of course
Our friend Sparrowhawk.
1991 - Stations of the Tide
The water rises
The Apocalypse is nigh
No time for audits.
1992 - Doomsday Book
Go back in time, watch
Everybody die. Go home
To hear the bells toll.
1993 - Red Mars
One hundred (and one)
Land on Mars. Watch them argue;
Watch them build a world.
1994 - Moving Mars
Politics are rough
Particularly if you’re Mars
And Earth’s scared of you.
1995 - The Terminal Experiment
Being immortal
Might make you homicidal
One way to find out…
1996 - Slow River
Deep, dirty water
Covers so many secrets
Not the ones you think.
1997 - The Moon and the Sun
Court of the Sun King
Has caught itself a mermaid
Pity the mermaid.
1998 - Forever Peace
Soldierboy for peace
Jack everyone together
And we’ll all be free.
1999 - Parable of the Talents
I escaped from drought
To rebuild and to bring you
The truth: God is Change.
2000 - Darwin’s Radio
Hidden DNA
Breeds new humans. Who can stop
This plague of babies?
2001 - The Quantum Rose
Clever with simile
And with quantum mechanics
Still cliched romance.
2002 - American Gods
We brought gods with us.
Pale imitations, they deal
Only in Shadow.
2004 - Paladin of Souls
Her life is over
But she’s not dead yet. What is
Her bastard purpose?
AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS.
CAN YOU TOP FORTY HAIKU?
I DIDN’T THINK SO.
