Smart Bitches, Trashy Books | Romance Novel Reviews | Come for the Dominican Bitches, Stay for the Man Titty

by Candy • Thursday, January 31, 2008 at 10:55 AM

Several different readers e-mailed to tell us about this: Amazon.com unveiled a list of the 20 Most Romantic Cities in the United States. Did they calculate the rankings based on marriage rates vs. divorce rates, popularity as honeymoon destinations, historical reputations, the amount the population invested in sex toys? No, the algorithm they used was even more comprehensive and complicated:

They tallied up how many romance novels, relationship books and sex manuals they’d shipped out to various cities and divided it by the total population.

Because books with titles like “If It’s Tuesday, There Must Be Dildoes,” “Tantric Sex for Dummies” and “The Ultimate Man’s Guide to Internet Dating” are the epitome of what “romantic” means to us as a culture.

Sarah: The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I have at last found my dream job. I am for all intents and purposes a complete and utter epic fail at math. I can’t remember numbers much less hold them in my mind for 2 seconds so that I can do sexy things to them like divide or multiply or even add. I work in a city that’s designated with about 90% numerical addresses and do I remember a single one? Forget it. I have to write the address down and keep LOOKING at the paper.

My complete lack of mathlete-skillz notwithstanding, I totally think I should work in the Amazon statistics department. In fact, my complete lack of mathleticism DEMANDS That I work there. From the formula to determine sales rank to the derived “most romantic” list based on some fucked up sales data - it’s like Mecca. I Belong There.

Where do I sign up? Can you help, being on the west coast and all?

Candy: Dude, I can help you—not because I’m on the West Coast, but because I’m Chinese, and it’s common knowledge that we’re born knowing how to integrate and how to count in hex. (Fun fact: In a few days, I’ll be 1e years old!)

A city is declared “most romantic” because Amazon has shipped the most romances, sex guides and relationship self-help books there. Let me tell you, there’s nothing sexier or more romantic than a man giving me a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Sets my pants on fi-yahhhhh.

It’s also nice to see that the folks at DCist are still in fine form, what with the lovely assumptions they’re making about romance novel readers. Pass me the smelling salts, I declare I’m about to faint from what a dainty, desperate, horny little belle I am. Because it’s not like I ever get laid. Or have friends. Or even leave my lonely little cave. At all. Ever.

Hey, at least the cave is bedecked in red and pink satin. Fuckers.

Also, please peruse my fine collection of puffypaint sweatshirts. I’m especially proud of my “Poodles to Pamper” line.

I will admit that I was intrigued by certain trends in the data, however. The cities, by and large, seemed to be part of large, metropolitan areas, and most of them are the sites for very prestigious universities (Cambridge, Ann Arbor, Berkeley, D.C., Seattle, San Francisco, Austin). If I had to make a guess—ones not based on tired cliches, mystifying assertions (most romantic? WTF?) or horrified hand-flapping at the idea of living in a city crawling with romance readers (we’re like herpes! Once you get one, you never get rid of us! And we pop up at the most inconvenient moments IN YOUR CROTCH)—I think this is what the trends show:

1. These cities seem to have larger-than-normal populations of university graduates. And those fuckers, they read. A lot. Of EVERYTHING. I’m willing to bet that these cities would rank pretty high for literary fiction, SF/F and mystery consumption, too.

2. Large middle-class/white collar population = more leisure time for reading.

3. Somebody in the comments on DCist pointed out that the populations for these cities seem to have more women than men, which would not only make sense in terms of a bigger romance readership, but also in terms of book consumption, since women tend to read more than men across the board.

Sarah: Not to mention that many of those cities are also near larger metro areas where people work but don’t live, and thus ride mass transit or trains and whatnot. I’m sure if you track the sales of similar “big leisure” reads, such as mysteries and the like, they sell as well.

Heh - a new fun game! Draw other completely hyperbolic conclusions from the data:

Those cities probably also have a higher percentage of houses with heart-shaped beds.

Puffy paint sweatshirts just CANNOT stay on the SHELVES at even the BEST stores.

Two words: Fabio Appearance! Three more words: at the mall!

Feather boas in Alexandria: Sold Out.

Bottom line: I love anything having to do with Amazon interpreting data. It’s just the most creative use of math in the history of the world. *le heartfelt sigh*

I still am waiting for the rest of your sweeping generalizations. I’ll wait over here in my pink satin tufted settee, next to my bonbons. And hot chocolate. With my perfectly groomed white Persian cat whose poop arrives gift-wrapped in crushed pineapple and rose petals.

Candy: Sorry, no time for sweeping generalizations. I’m too busy masturbating while reading The Rules and imagining Fabio amortizing his hip thrusts against my womanly loins as he crushes me against the hardwood floor.